Have been doing a lot of self-work and journaling with "the river guide" which is an iintroduction-to-SA questionnaire. 
Raising a lot of awareness of things i struggle with, for example: I am a person who tries very hard to succeed at things I set my mind to (building a business, fixing my stove, getting sober, etc) and I am not scared to pursure all avenues until i reach my goals. but at a certain point, there is a limit to hishtadlut, and there is no more to do that will be effective or rational. for example a package i shipped went missing and i tried really hard to recover it - going as far as visiting the address to which it was mis-delivered to (USPS sucks) and knocking on apartment doors on the far shot change that maybe i will find my package (i didn't recover it). at the point at which i feel it is appropriate to give up, i can usually accept Hashem's will, for example with the missing package, even though it was an expensive item that got lost, it was not that hard for me to accept this as G-d's will. I did all i could, and i guess Hashem decided that i should not find it right now, maybe not ever. 

But when it comes to sobriety, i know He wants me to succeed. I try so hard, and i have been trying for over a decade (most of which i was not even aware of SA), and i have not been able to get sober by myself. My subconscious attitude has been "if I can't fix it, then how in the world can He fix it?"

it is so hard for me to let go of the concept that I can more than G-d can. 

Really, He can, and I can't

ego

it's real

wife wasn't feeling well  as i went on a fundraising sports event
asked her to stay home - right thing to do and also the non selfish thing to do
recently have been making an effort to establish stronger boundaries in my life, and it makes such a positive difference. 
also recently really wanted to act out when i was super overwhelmed and had a successful and conscious surrender moment for the first time i can remember in quite a while. 
was a great experience. 

also have been going to 7 am and 7:15 am meetings and it is so much better for my life this way
✌️

shame = guilt i feel at not being good enough at being you, when i am not comfortable enough in my skin to be me

Sooooo..............................

Boy, have I got a tale to share tonight! 

 read carefully, and please, do share your feedback below. I'd love to hear what the chevreh have to say on this topic. 

Here it goes:
I came to realize (with lots of program and therapy) that when my life feels unmanageable, I try to control it. When I try to control it, I am failing to admit that I am powerless over ________ (fill in the blank). My need to control started when I experienced traumas and difficult times in life. By surrendering control to Hashem with prayer and humility, and giving over my burden to Him and not carrying it myself, I admit powerlessness and become free from the slavery to my addiction. 

That was the intro. Here's the story:
Was reading a book on the toilet today (second in relaxation only to reading in the bath) when the leader of the cult I'm an Ex-member of - who has been running smear campaigns on me, intimidating my extended family and myself, and who had been the subject of many paranoid episodes, nightmares, and therapy sessions - this man called me up on my cell phone. 

I'd deleted the number a while back and I guess that also unblocked the number, so I answered with "hi, who is this?"

The response was "this is ****** ********, how are you?"

I exhaled a breath of disbelief, and hung up. Would've been superbly satisfying with a flip phone. Alas, my dump phone is of the non-flip variety. 
(How do you think I am, buddy? Alive and well, no thanks to YOU!)

I spoke to my sponsor and some old timers, consensus was to treat him as an unwanted solicitor if he calls again - "sorry, not interested in what you're selling, please respect my privacy and don't call me again." 

If he calls to apologize for trying to destroy my life and my extended family's lives (0.0000000000000000000001% chance of that), I can say "thanks for the call, please respect my privacy and don't call me again."

What do you guys think? What would you have done? 

Cordnoy, please share your character response, and also your serious response. Thanks!

What a terrible experience! First, I hope you have re-blocked the number, but if he does find a way to contact you, I would not give him the satisfaction of hearing your voice other than you saying "hello." I would hang up immediately.  You do not need to listen to a single word this person has to say. He is not entitled to hear your voice. It must be triggering.

I had a person in a similar situation, and I turned it around and became the aggressor, sought him out, and gave him the beating of his life. I was MUCH younger, stronger, and dumber. I am not advocating violence, but being contacted by someone like that is very upsetting and must stop immediately. 

Stay strong. Don't let bullies ruin your precious life!

ilovehashem247 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 23:46:

The odds of a true manipulating narcissist calling to apologize is probably even less than that;) 

They will always seek to project the blame onto you, the victim. So, it may sound like an apology while it really isn't. Because "you" misunderstood/took it out of context etc. 

They are incapable of genuinely experiencing empathy for the hurt they caused. 


Obviously, he caught you off-guard, being on the toilet and all. But if I was in a good, calm headspace, and could say stuff without getting emotional, I would relish the opportunity to ask that narcissistic cult leader some tough questions. 

Tough questions, that you would never dare ask while you were still in the group. 

Questions like:

You presented yourself as the ultimate loving, caring person. Does a loving caring person act like "x"?
Do you really believe that you have the Divine authority to advise "x"?
Do you not realize how abusive you behaviour is to other human beings?
Do you not realize that you are nothing more than a manipulator?
While you claim to be so righteous and holy, you sleep very well at night despite the trail of broken hearts of many former people who have crossed your path...does this ever bother you? Are you not concerned for a day of reckoning in the World to come?

Of course, none of this actually will help the true narcissist. He will not take even ONE moment to reflect on your words. He will immediately rationalize that you are the crazy one while he was totally justified. 

But I sometimes imagine that this conversation would afford some measure of closure, and could be very healing. 

Allright, enough fantasizing...ultimately, you can't go wrong with the hang up method;)

Wow, I've never had the experiences you've had, so I can't really comment. But, youre a מלאך for not biting his head off.............

thanks for the comments guys

so to follow up

the person(s) he sent to try to reach me are also confused

I told the messenger he can convey the following message: "please respect my privacy and do not reach out again. I'm not interested. goodbye." 

ilovehashem247 wrote on 25 Sep 2024 23:46:

That sounds like a perfect response. I can only imagine it would feel more geshmak to give it to him over the head, but as you point out, trying to control is admitting powerlessness. More power to you!

ilovehashem247 wrote on 26 Sep 2024 22:47:

Are they confused you aren't buying?! Delicious!

Yes, delicious!

Being someone who is a pleaser, I get special hanaa seeing you thwart their attempts.

Rock on, bro!

Muttel

So I guess I passed the first test, a few days later a slimy contractor who owed me a repair on my property worth just about $15k sends me an invoice for $25k (i.e. that I should pay HIM) when I sent him info on my pending invite from a Beit Din in his community. Intimidation tactics. 

Realized that the guy doesn't care about Beit Din anyway because nobody with Yirat Shamiayim is making up invoices with 4 pages of a baloney story. 

Accepted G-d's decree, decided not to take him to Beit Din, and that is when the serenity hit. 

I'll survive. I don't need to obsess over this sad, sick man. 

I didn't think about him over the weekend. I'm sure he couldn't stop think about how he's going to "get" me. Or maybe not...
Don't know, don't really care. 

Happy to have this newfound skill of moving on in life. 

Thanks G-d, 12 steppers, sponsors, and therapist. 

Most of all, thank you self, for learning acceptance.
It's a damn good thing to have in my life. 

I am experiencing something very strange. 
I have dealt with at least 3 crazy people in the past week, crazy busy before Yom Tov, working a 12 step program, work, life, bills, credit cards, chinuch, relationship with wife, etc. etc. etc. 

There is chaos around me, but no chaos in my mind. I am starting to taste serenity, and I don't know what to do with it. 

I am so used to introducing chaos into my life when things are getting wonky so that at least I can control it when things start spinning out - but I'm not doing that these days and I am kind of confused with how to just be ok with being ok. 

It's a new thing for me. I like it, but it feels kind of like new leather shoes - kind of uncomfortable but I know in my heart that it will be amazingly pleasant in a few weeks. 

Anyone here ever dealt with this before?
Would love to read your thoughts on the matter.

Dear Brother,
I can't imagine what you have been through and are going through now. I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Davening that you find healing for your past, clarity for your present, and hope for your future.
BezH you should have a year that is kulo tov.