was reading my first post here and realized i forgot to record in this interactive diary of mine that I realized recently that I was molested as a teen.

ilovehashem247 wrote on 18 Dec 2023 02:12:

Hey so happy for you! Honestly, the exact opposite happened for me when I filtered my devices. Lost sales and business. But I still wouldn't take it back (at least most of the time thats how I feel...).

replaced a filtered device 
with Eko phone (Qin F30) very happy with it

What made you realize?

was tired of talking in therapy about how controlling and micromanaging my mama was growing up 
thought of what other woman influenced my life
________ _______'s name popped into my head and then it was just a stream of consciousness 

You're not alone, not much new about that or unusual. There's lots of help and I hope you do what's necessary. You're a good man and you probably deserve better than massage parlor adventures. Been there, done that...Clean for a bunch of years now from everything, and life's much different, bH. You've apparently come a long way. Hope you remember that.
❤️
Dov

I love hearing these "success" stories about getting rid of your smartphones. That is still a hurdle that I have not been able to overcome. I have my computer filtered, got rid of the "extra" tech that I had kept around for my "bad habits". I feel that I am getting closer. I have all the apps deleted off my phone (Yes, I could reinstall them, but that little bit of friction has saved me a few times). I am making a conscious effort to not use my phone for anything other than what is totally necessary. I am trying to build a life that is not dominated by tech. 

bright wrote on 18 Dec 2023 04:42:

the story is told of R' shmuel Gurary a chassid of the rebbe rashab of lubavitch who was big gvir and had a close relationship with the rebbe.
he was once on a train in the company of chasidim of other rebbes and the conversation turned to the telling over of moifsim of tzadikim and each of the group told over a moifes that their rebbe did for them.
they turned to R' shmuel and asked him to share his story, so said i asked the rebbe advice on a big deal and the rebbe gave his bracha so i went through with and the deal went sour and i lost out big.
nu, they turn to him and asked, where's the moifes?
the moifes he answered, is that im still a chasid.....

So did the rebbe make the moifes or the chassid?

bright wrote on 19 Dec 2023 19:25:

Yes

yes what

The answer to your question 

Dear ilovehashem247  
You are not alone, Here in GYE You will find many successful people in all ages who are suffering in silent for years,  Thank god we can find here loads of tools for recovery, And BAZ"H get back our REAL life, Keep it up 

hi guys

quick update, I've been working the 12 steps - primarily in AA but also go to one SA meeting a week consistently
have been seeing gradual changes in the way i interact with those around me and my attitude towards life

I'm no longer always the victim
I'm also no longer always the instigator

working the 4th step ( compiling a list of resentments, fears, and sexual damages to others) made me realize that i have a part in every machloket, and that that I have some consistent negative middot that are connected with most of these resentments. 

clarifying what exactly they are as i do the 5th step (sharing with another person, in this case my sponsor) and not surprisingly, jealousy, rage, and ego are big culprits. 

learning to live without the need for a high - whether from a drink, drug, or sexual [mis]adventure. 
it's pleasant, and a bit unsettling. I can be ok with my wife grumping at me, and i don't have to get angry. 

intensive personal trauma/addiction therapy and weekly marriage counseling is a big help in the process. 
I'm getting financial aid in the therapies, which makes a big difference. 

I'm nervous that i will drop these new behaviors after the initial excitement, but realistically i think it is feasible to stay on this path if i only remember 3 important facts: 
1. I am an addict - powerless over drugs, alcohol, and lust (took me almost a year to admit that!) and that they make my life completely unmanageable
2. Only a power greater than my own self-will can restore me to sanity from my state of insanity, and that power is Hashem
3. He will relieve me of the obsession and grant me a daily reprieve if only i let him in to my life, and make an intense daily effort to life a spiritual life 

there are 5 things i do pretty much every day:
1. Pray to Hashem right when i wake up that he should relieve me of my addiction for today and give me the strength and wisdom to do the right thing - to not drink, drug, or act out
2. read a "daily reflection," a little blurb from the AA literature with a message for sobriety
3. Call my sponsor between 9-10am
4. call guys from my AA/SA network early in the day, and as a struggle comes up throughout the day. goal is to reach out to 5 guys, sometimes i reach them and sometimes I don't and that's fine. 
5. go to a meeting. 

I've found that what works best for me is to stick close to the guys who have what I want and to do what they do. 

I've been told that there is no shame or guilt in being an alcoholic/addict, so long as we actively do something about it. We've all done some pretty messed up stuff while under the influence of [i]pick your poison[/i]]. We didn't choose this. It is a G-d-given test to us, tailor made for us to reach our potential. But if we know that we can do something about it, and don't, then we are practically criminally negligent for damages we caused to ourselves and others. 

Our families and friends deserve better. 
WE deserve better! 
Hashem expects us to work hard to accomplish our potential. 

So from a stranger on the internet, here''s a helping hand - if you're reading this today , then you - specifically - need to do something about your struggle. 

It's ok to ask for help, and it's ok to cry about what's happened in your life. 

Know that you are not the first to be going through this struggle, and in the world we live in today, definately not the last. 

So pick up the phone or go up to someone safe and confide in them. ask for help. maybe you are not addicted, and maybe you've not yet hit rock bottom. but it's no fun to find out the hard way, let me tell you! 

so good luck and farewell until next time, 

ILH247

<3 

Great to hear how well you are doing. I never went to SA meetings but from all the slogans I heard from others I can see that you are internalizing them well and you are on the right track. Keep up your good work.