ilovehashem247 wrote on 03 Oct 2023 16:41:

The first part of your post is a common theme amongst many folks who have frequented this site.

There are several old timer's here - true.
there are many starters here as well.
However, there is a ton of fellows in-between as well - in fact, the overwhelmin' majority.

Im in betweener:)

Bright, I hear you but it’s still difficult because I feel directionless….


i went looking for trouble today. And I found it. 

had a fall later that day. 

יגעתי ומצאתי

cordnoy wrote on 03 Oct 2023 16:54:

black and white is easy to see, but the greys are hard to recognize and the change happens gradually so it’s difficult to catch it in action. 

Yes if you go looking for trouble you will find it, or it will find you, however the true measure of growth is how you respond in the aftermath of getting into trouble and I believe your response will show you, how much you have grown since the last time you went looking for trouble

ilovehashem247 wrote on 04 Oct 2023 02:56:

You’re in Nauru ??

Micronesia

ilovehashem247 wrote on 04 Oct 2023 02:56:

@Trouble, ur being called!

ilovehashem247 wrote on 04 Oct 2023 02:56:

Can you elaborate?

bright wrote on 04 Oct 2023 15:29:

Sure! Here is an eloquent description of how I feel: 
I feel like I am putting in my effort into different things and I still feel the same way as I did before. I get an occasional reprieve of anywhere from a few hours to a few weeks but I still feel like crap. I’m not at peace with myself. Something throws me off my path and it takes a long time to recover. I feel hopeless. I feel like giving up but I know that I cannot give up because I know how I t looks like when I gave up. It’s horrible.

I’m trying.

i don’t know if I’m trying.

Maybe I’m just trying to get the results to fast

I’m not happy. I’m not com do not feel like I am OK 

I have this whole support network, and I still don’t know what my questions are in order to get the answers that I’m looking for

i played with my kids today for about thirty min in the playroom. First time doing this without drugs in a long time. Was uncomfortable being on without the added edge of a joint or drink

wtf is wrong with me that I can’t enjoy playing with my little children???

ilovehashem247 wrote on 04 Oct 2023 22:02:

Wow, really tough really feel for you! Its so amazing how hard your trying and there are fireworks going off in the upper worlds even though you dont feel them! I hate playing with my kids for more than 5 minutes so maybe we should split a babysitter:) I have had similiar bouts of melancholy, though not to the degree you are saying. What has kept me going are my friends here and focusing on the positive things in life and in my work on myself here and working on my bitachon. I dont really know what causes them, presumably part of me is not happy with where im at....

You wrote:
"I feel like giving up but I know that I cannot give up because I know how I t looks like when I gave up. It’s horrible.I’m trying.i don’t know if I’m trying.Maybe I’m just trying to get the results to fastI’m not happy. I’m not com do not feel like I am OK"

Well,all that sounds very uncomfortable. Confusion is probably one of the most uncomfortable feelings I've sat in. So in the interest of reducing confusion:

"When I give up, etc..." 
Give up what, please? 
" I'm trying/I don't know if I'm trying."
Trying what, please?

Thank you

Dov wrote on 04 Oct 2023 22:50:



When I give up on making an effort to be present and sober and not drown out my feelings with indulgences in sex, drugs, alcohol, or high risk activities.


Trying = making my best effort on not giving up in the above and doing what is incumbent upon me to do according to my AA sponsor and therapist and wife. 


You’re welcome

 (in the mood I’m in, I’d rather write F you, just bc I am pissed off) 

take no offense but I have a serious case of the f-its 

I want to say something, but i dont have anything good to say. But i definitely feel for you.
and the fact that you're here and fighting off all these demons from all these different angles is an inspiration 

ainshumyeiush wrote on 04 Oct 2023 23:43:

Well you already started so you might as well finish