Thats tough hard wok. keep shteiging!

Fourth Step Inventory is brutal work....
hang in there...

You're a strong person - we are learning a lot.
I hope you find healing, friend, from this pain....
Will be thinking of you today, and wish you Koach and Moach and warmth....

ILH247, 
I know that we dont know each other in real life, but i think i know you better than i know my own brother..... from reading your very deep insightful posts.... 
The human mind is the most fascinating organ in the world and the most complex. It can cause us so much pain but even more pleasure. 
I feel your pain even though i was BH never in your exact situation, i wish you all the best in your continued growth journey. 
Remember that the physical body doesnt last very long at all, its the soul that lives forever and your soul will be very thankful for doing all of this hard work now, because every time you fight back and strengthen your resolve and keep on trucking, you are growing your soul by leaps and bounds! 

Keep on growing and loving Hashem!

Shana Tova 

got a new sponsor, frum guy lives in my neighborhood. 

RH was very meaningful, and focused on praying for success in overcoming daily challenges. 

was by family and didn’t drink or drug. Didn’t M and didn’t seek out P on the unfiltered devices. Didn’t even have an idea to do so. BH! 

finding that family time can be enjoyable without escaping! 

looking forward to a year with continued growth. 

one important note is that last year was one of the years with some of the most trauma and suffering I’ve had. Physical injuries. Emotional traumas. Blackmail attempts and false accusations made about me. Addictions creeping up on me. 

and I tackled them all head on. Some, by ignoring them (ex. Narcissists trying to trigger me and ensnare me into saying/texting negative things about other people) and others by being honest with myself and reaching out for help from those more experienced than me (ex. Addictions). 

BUT because of the mentors I have made use of to find my way through the challenges, it’s been a year of tremendous growth. Reflecting back on the past year I feel grateful and content. 

it’s not in spite of the challenges but because of them that I was able to grow and change for the better 

i am human and I’ll struggle till the day I die, but if I am complacent and don’t fight the good fight then that final day will be pushed earlier and earlier. 

I still stumble. I clicked a few clickbait’s too many yesterday but I moved on. Someone tried to trick me into incriminating myself yesterday. I played dumb. 

when I play the victim, only I am the loser. and the only way I’m a loser is if I act like one. 

I'm here to win. 

Thanks for reading and letting me share. 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 19 Sep 2023 12:42:

Every once in a blue moon i read your thread again. 
Youre growth is beyond an inspiration.
KUTGW!

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 19 Sep 2023 12:42:

Beautifully and honestly written. The tone is hopeful and positive as well. You've got it in your hand b'ezras Hashem.

Had an amazing YC! Davened with the Yeshiva I've been learning at at night and originally started with when i first moved to this town (with a short break in between learning by "the narcissist"). 

We probably woke up people a few towns over with our "amens!"

I printed out about 80% of the posts on this thread in TXT format (couldn't figure out how to do 100% - can that be a feature request? printable text versions of threads?), and reviewed most of the past year thru my posts. 

a few comments: 

Chancy, YTW and Eerie, you've given great feedback and insightful posts. there were a bunch of others as well but IDK the usernames since it didn't show up with the printing. 

Dov, your description of powerlessness was extremely powerful. The nudging toward SA instead of leaving more room for me to discover my own path was kinda "Eh," but the intentions were great 

HHM, your love, patience, and non-judgement has taught me to believe in my self and to love myself again. There's no way I can ever repay you for that other than by striving to live up to my potential. Thank you a million times over! 

and finally, to the founders and admids of GYE (formerly known as GUE), thank you, thank you, thank you! Thank you for giving me my life back, and for returning the loving husband, father, son, and uncle back to his family. G-d bless you all! 

It's been a year of tremendous growth and I've had huge leaps in my knowledge of self as well as my understanding of life on life's terms. Learning to de-objectify my wife was a huge milestone. 

Additionally, i did a lot of thinking over what merit did I gain by not responding when i was publicly shamed and not taking revenge in the year that followed. I think the answer is that Hashem gifted me with a road to recovery after 15 years of dealing with addictions. I'm in AA and discovering a whole new world of growth that I never imagined possible. 

So, thank you Mr. narcissist. I wholeheartedly forgive you for your cruelty toward me and pray that you merit to do teshuvah in this world (I'm ready when you are, just pick up the phone...). Missing the opportunity to do teshuva in this world and facing gehennom instead is quite terrifying and I don't wish it on anyone, not even onto you. 

Looking forward to a year full of gifts and surprises. I'm armed with the knowledge and experience that even what may seem like tragedy (car accidents, public shaming, etc) is a blessing in disguise. 

I'm more than happy to accept blessings without disguises as well 

:*

ILH, you're an inspiration! With such an attitude of gratitude and seeing the blessing in everything you can stay on track even when times are tough.

I went looking for the powerless post from Dov that you mentioned, found it on page 26, truly a priceless powerful piece. But on the way I came across this on page 29:   


It's quite amazing. Out of all the tefillos and piyutim over yom kippur, this one really hit home. It described me perfectly, stained trapped and weak, yet Hashem still wants me. So powerful, I don't remember noticing it seriously before. 

Wow, reading about you having a different kind of YK this time around, was gorgeous. I'm glad you have found a different path than SA so far and that you are happy with it. 

Over my past 15 years involved heavily w GYE (first 6 years involved on this forum 4+ hours daily), I think I have helped more people to other solutions than SA and 12 steps than many other ppl here and in recovery. I don't recall pushing you to go to SA meetings, but the word you used, "nudging," to discuss it as an option, was probably accurate and I appreciate  it a ton. From where you are standing now, it demonstrates a lot of kindness and I appreciate it.

I'm hoping things only continue to get better and better for you going forward. When we are sincere, it gets better and better - and the rough spots (ouch!) are eventually revealed to be just growth. You seem to sincerely want to grow, and in my experience that's the main gift. In my experience, what happens for you from here on will continue to surprise you and yours, be'H.

Glad to hear all the positive stuff; t'was a pleasure meetin' you and I hope/pray that you find a path.

Godspeed

ILH, I am really happy to hear about your Yom Kippur and about how well you are doing. 
keep it up with Siyata Dishmaya. Rooting for you!! 

with warm admiration 

Chaim Oigen 

Great news. Didn’t actually slip or fall

bad news started to mentally slip the week between YK and sukkot 

didn’t help that wife is not feeling her greatest. 

flipped out at me in front of my entire family this morning - was sick and davening in parents’ sukkah 

my boys playing in the yard and me checking on y hem every little bit. We davened together for a while. Got silent for a few min and I found them making a concoction of grass and mud in a puddle in the side yard 

came inside to ask wife where I can find a change of clothes and she lost it on me. Not just a one liner, went on for a few minutes. 

hid from her the rest of the day

super awkward with my family

 I told her that Many saw and were embarrassed and can’t keep an eye contact w me 

apologized multiple times thru out day 

felt like crap

didnt drink

didnt M

thankfully my search for smut ended in failure 

Got home and was much calmer. Told her that she is cherished and I know she does not normally act that way. She asked me why I didn’t verbalize that earlier 

also

this time last year I was sitting in the sukkah oogling lewd internet content. 

what a difference in my life

tyh 

Hopeful yet hopeless
feeling resentful to the program
yet I know that’s my road to sanity

maybe what I don’t like is myself 

want to pray but my heart feels blocked 

throwing my hope into it 
then thinking to myself why does it even matter
what difference does it make
but it makes a difference 

I only see starters and old timers 

feeling stagnant 

feeling confused

hanging by a thread yet my family is depending on me 

thinking to myself I’m four months in. Should have made progress. But I’m also just starting out. 

too arrogant? Too blind? 

what’s wrong with me? 

confused and discontent and I can’t understand why

Feel your pain! Wow, you are trying so hard. Really! Just from reading your posts there seems to be so much progress, its just yourself telling yourself you arent growing. The main change is inside, and change is hapenin!