Kept waking up yelling from nightmares

I recall telling my wife about at least one of them in the middle of the night

I asked her to remind me what in the world I was talking about

She said that I was being held captive in my dream

She interpreted the dream is meaning that I am fighting from my deepest subconscious to break free, and I am captive to my will, and I am trying to come out of that captivity. Change is excruciatingly painful, and I am going through a paradigm shift.

And I didn’t even have to pay for that positive interpretation!

You are a man of tremendous courage. I admire you, and hope and Daven that you can continue this journey to find peace in your heart and spirit. 

CMO

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 13 Jul 2023 11:10:

Wearin' Bar Hedya's other hat (as you are not payin' me), I had a different interpretation; sadly, one of the mods deleted it while it was still in moderation mode.

chaimoigen wrote on 13 Jul 2023 13:02:

Thank you for your kind words. 

what does CMO mean? 

spoke to my sponsor about this and he told me “it’s not over buddy. you  will also start to have dreams about using and acting out but that is all part of the recovery.”

I’m still shaking as I type this

have been clean from drink and drugs for 46 days but the sexual urges have been creeping up. 

my GYE clean days reset more often as time progresses and i started getting urges, strong urges to go to massage places. 

was visiting family out of town in a very “frum” area, and went to an AA meeting in the morning. 

it was located in a mega church and I wasn’t about to go wandering around in the church. 

I loitered and left some litter in the lot, then looked up massage parlors. There are abundant amounts of the worst kinds of massage places just outside of this frum town, and I entered the address of one of them into my GPS

I walked into a local shop to get some change for my cash and my hands were shaking like crazy - I dropped what I was holding and couldn’t even read what was written on the item I purchased due to the shakiness. 

I sat outside the MP for 30-40 minutes fighting a war of will against going in 

I was about to get out of the car and was about to step in, but I couldn’t move my muscles. I knew that if I moved one muscle, then I would lose. So I put on my tefillin right there in the parking lot and begged Gd to save me.

I took the tefillin off and still couldn’t move a muscle. 

I called a few people but nobody picked up. 

I called my AA sponsor and he told me to turn on the car and get out of there, and to get an SA sponsor ASAP. 

”move a muscle, change a thought.”

I have some injuries from an accident so I can’t really work out. 

left the parking lot and made some calls to SA friend. 

im back at the place we’ve been staying this weekend. Physically safer but mentally feeling like a cornered deer. 

I need help. 

I am feeling a feeling of desperation 

how am I supposed to live a functional life if I’m so busy fighting addictions all day long?

How do people survive?

I feel like a small insect stuck in a tornado

It seems to me you have a valuable AA/NA sponsor and that you chose well ❤️.

Been there, know the feelin's.

Focus on the positive thin's you did.

The most disgustin' thin' you did was litter in the church's parkin' lot. What the hell's wrong with you?

Godspeed - whichever!

It is hard now but BeH you will be able to change and it will be much easier...

Powerful. You kept reaching out. Connection is the path. 
Lots to learn.... 

If you litter again, you may be made to sit on the bench with all the other folks from Alice's Restaurant 

It’s true

starting to fall leads to isolation leads to acting out leads to continuing the cycle 

It’s true

starting to fall leads to isolation leads to acting out leads to continuing the cycle 

the cycle must be broken somewhere and taking action is often easiest way to stop it 

Very powerful post. Who knows the real affect in shamayim because of the courage you showed,  Who knows what shefa bracha is now in the world because of it. Keep going and keep inspiring.

I've been making an effort to fix "this," whatever it is, from the foundation. 

Not just addictions nd toxic behaviors. 

I've been doing things like calling manufacturers to discuss problems with items I purchased instead of reordering and returning the defective item (that's called return Fraud). Turns out that I end up getting to keep the item and the money without the guilty feelings! 

An example is with an expensive item i purchased on amazon. the item got a bit damaged during use and i was unable to use it to its full capacity. Instead of buying a second item, then shipping back the defective one on the new order for a refund, i contacted the manufacturer for a potential warranty replacement (which is the honest thing to do). 

They agreed to replace it and since they didn't have the same one as my original order in stock, they sent me the higher-end version which costs over $1000 more! 

So by not lying and cheating, I WON in the end! 

I am slowly rolling out these principles and behaviors in my life and I'm seeing that good things happen when you do good things. 

I've just been so used to the cheating way of life that it became an ingrained habit! 

...bnɘɿt ɘʜt ϱniƨɿɘvɘЯ

Powerful point. 
Dishonesty is poison.
That's one of the healing aspects of coming on this site, I think. Secrecy is a form of dishonesty. Sunlight is the best disinfectant.
Now, I know that being in an anonymous forum with a false username from an undisclosed secret location (perhaps in pajamas, Cords), is not full honestly and openness. But it is a huge step in the right direction. And it leads to meeting real people.

Tis a Powerful Pathway of Peer Positivity and Pressure.        

This weekend I will hit 90 days of no drinks or drugs

today I was mochel the narcissist and let it go

 Eventually I will reach step 9, and how can I ask for forgiveness when making amends if I’m holding onto resentments and am unforgiving of those who harmed me? 

I’m on step four now, which involves taking a moral inventory. I’ve been pushing this off for a bit, but started today. It is daunting to admit to oneself all the damage that I have done to others in my life.

as hard as it is to admit, I’ve abused people. Financially, emotionally, sexually. 

I also did some inner reflection and realized that my “intimate encounters” in my mid teens with a tutor were actually cases of me being sexually abused. 

I was a minor. She was not. Not by at least a few years. 

trying to find the pattern - and break it!