My wife pointed out that if it wasn’t for mister narcissist then I’d never end up dealing with my addictions

 for that I’m grateful

 but still hoping that his world goes up in flames

 when I’ll be at peace with him and wishing him well then I’ll know that I’m doing alright

 but till then… hoping he gets exposed ASAP 

I love your honesty and how you express your emotions. It would do me a lot of good to learn how to be like that. My wife can't stand how I keep everything inside.

Do you read at all? John Gray has a book called "what you feel you can heal" where he gives clear and easy instructions how we can work through our feelings of anger to get to a place of love. I wonder if it would be helpful for you. It's a short book and it's really good. (shout out to my bro NIC for introducing it to me) 
I actually listened to the book on audible. I'm a huge fan of audible because I can listen while driving or doing chores around the house and also it often makes a bigger impact when you hear the author narrating. 

I'm really sorry that you're going through such a tough time. Keep fighting my friend. 

-Diamond 

Thanks for the chizuk Diamond, you’re a gem!

I just did hatarat nedarim on  the pledge I had made to the institution I found out was victim to the founder’s fraudulent financial activity.

i had to work my way up the rabbinic ladder as nobody wanted to take responsibility for such a significant psak.

I feel relieved and I am astounded at the wisdom of the authors of the original text. Never realized how relevant every single word and the order of all the sentences are until today.

Woke up from a wet dream


 not feeling so upset about it because I know it came from a conversation I had with wife as we were going to bed how I am feeling frustrated and stuck in my life -  I want to either be using or clean without feeling the painful transition (lol). 

we then discussed the impact that my mental health has been having on our intimate life together. 

i also asked her what’s the point of not touching myself, other than from the Torah. She said because of how it would cause a rift between us emotionally. 

i didn’t try to convince her to be with me and I had an interesting dream

 not sure if this is twisted thinking (my gut tells me yes), but I enjoyed it and I didn’t actually act out consciously. Making an effort to feel gratitude over guilt. 

clean up is kind of gross though

Fact: 
Growth hurts 

Have been finding myself turning to masturbation to temporarily relieve the pain of recovery

called a few veterans today to vent

told them I’m fed up

wide can’t stand me and I’ve been killing myself for a month already. Not so long in the grand scene of things but still a significant chunk of time and effort

One old Italian guy told me that my job now is to understand that my selfish interests are not important and my role now is to do what will make her happy

keep on working the program. Don’t drop out and become a statistic of the losers. Push through and be a success story. 

Pushing through today 

feel like crap

blargg

Update

 still feel like crap

 thanks for reading

Do you actually tell the old Italian guy and others that you turn to masturbation to relieve the pain of recovery, or do you just tell them something like, "I feel crappy and turn to old habits, etc"?

I try not to spend time on the forum these past 7 or 8 years, after my first 6 years here posting a lot.  So I'm trying to save time and just ask important questions to get a feel for what's going on. There's absolutely no right or wrong answer to any of the questions I have asked you, btw.
Thx

Seeing that after experiencing some growth I’ve been self sabotaging and almost like I have a wall I’m building to block my path 

trying to understand why 

having a hard time speaking to Hashem

feel like a faker when I’m in shul. Like I’m in the middle of running away and stopping in to say hello on my way out. 

feel like my words and actions don’t match

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 03 Jul 2023 13:41:

One of my Rabbeim once gave me a different take on feeling that actions and words don't match. He suggested that instead of looking at it like my insides are full of corrosive toxicity, and don't match the word I profess to on the outside, I should try to see how in fact the opposite is true.
My real insides, the depth of my spirit, is the truth of what I desire and want for myself. To be free, clean, elevated. It's hard to carry that out in action, because our outsides have to deal with the challenges of practical living in the world....
The Aron Hakodesh had 3 layers. The inside was gold, the external part was gold. the middle part - the internal external was dull wood. The gold can meet in the middle. 

This isn't a method for success. For that you may need to answer Dov's questions. But it may help you feel better about yourself. And that, my friend, you deserve.
Keep trucking!

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 03 Jul 2023 13:41:

When's the last time you really read "V'avisa tehilla" of yomim noro'im seriously? Few of us take it seriously but fir the moments we are singing it, if that. It's so true ALL..THE...TIME. And we need to remember it.

Try it on for size. ❤️

All you're describing is the light turning on. If we lived all year w the lights that our yomim noro'im tefillos turned on, I think we'd have a better year. I do it. It's working fine, one real day at a time.

If it's unclear to anyone what I'm referring to, just ask. Np

Dov

Dov wrote on 03 Jul 2023 17:17:

asking

Brought up a discussion about “burnout” in an AA meeting. 

a bunch of old timers said that if they asked their sponsor that question when they started decades ago, they’d get a slap and a couple of dollars to go get themselves a drink…

I switched sponsors to someone I speak to quite often and look up to. My original sponsor is great but simply very busy and hard to get on the phone. 

the next day new sponsors and I   started working on the 12 steps (hadn’t done this in the month and a half I had the first sponsor). 

we also discussed what my day looks like and when I mentioned that what was hardest for me is that I no longer am around at bedtime and I haven’t been there to be with my kids and put them to sleep at night, he said you need to be there for your family. Your children need to have the memories of you being there and especially until they are older you need to focus more on being there in the morning.

So I tried really hard and got up way earlier than usual, which is when my alarm starts ringing. sat on the couch for a bit with my wife, which was a great thing for both of us, then cuddled with all my kids individually.

last night got a text from my wife after telling her that I wanted to be more present in the morning. She texted me saying “when will I have my husband back in my life.”

I then ordered takeout from a fancy restaurant that we used to go to a lot and we had a mini date  at home

She was grateful, but suspicious

I also went to bed at the same time as her instead of playing around on the computer

I want everything, yesterday, and I’m learning to be patient.



also step three of the 12 steps speaks about handing one’s will over to his higher power

was thinking this is similar to what it says in Pirkei Avot
‏ ‏עשה רצונך רצונו והוא יעשה רצונו רצונך
 was very hard for me to understand that concept, and I’m trying to comprehend it now with the above in mind

Got through to my original sponsor, and told him that I need someone that will be able to work with me in the times that work for me. He was so understanding! I told him the honest truth, that every word that comes out of his mouth is gold to me. I just need to be up as early as he is in order to hear it, and I’m not holding there yet. He was very encouraging and told me that our goal is that the person sitting next to us gets better. No other intention in mind.  He also told me that it does not have to be awkward now and that I should still pick up the phone and be in touch 

I also spoke to my current sponsor, and one point that we touched upon, is that I have a tendency to take, sometimes by cleverness or sneakiness, that which does not necessarily rightfully belong in my possession. Replace the word “shtick” with fraud and you get the picture. 

he told me that our  “tastes” are similar. In fact, he has such a history and he was ultimately caught in the act. 

i want everything, yesterday. 

but I don’t need it.