Tonight, I dumped into the toilet thousands of dollars worth of stockpiled stimulant meds that I was prescribed but didn't use. Mostly meds to take throughout the day as a "touch-up" for my regular ADHD meds. 

Felt a twinge of "OMG what am I doing" as i dumped bottle after bottle down the toilet. 

Called my sponsor right after and he said "you don't know how much you were holding onto something until you decide to let it go."

that's wisdom right there. 

Feel a little lift of freedom after flushing

thanks for listening

As I surveyed the innards of the medicine cabinet with a not-quite-stifled yawn this morning, I noticed yet another bottle of pills. In my just-woke-up stupor I grabbed the bottle, untwisted the cap, dumped the contents and flushed in one fluid motion. 

I can now see my reflection in the mirror inside the medicine cabinet, whereas until now I was hidden by drugs. 

poetic and apropos

have a nice day

beautiful! it must've been hard... Kudos for your bravery!

Fell today with M. 

was exhausted after a hard workout and didn’t eat and shower right when I got back home

idea popped into my head. I started and then stopped and said that’s ridiculous. Then I started again and got it over with before my brain can turn on again. 

was speaking to a fellow AA (my favorite guys are the chasidim and the former “family man” Italians) and he told me that we have to get used to just being ok. 

I told him that I feel like I am an octopus, trying to catch something in any direction to make up for the drugs that I am not on any longer. 

he told me that it’s ok to be ok. 

we have to learn that skill. 

I feel like I go into a panic whenever I’m not going into a panic - hope that makes sense (it doesn’t but at least the concept can be understood). 

Friday early afternoon is my trigger time. Was easier today than it was last week - stayed sober!

Still working on the first step of understanding, accepting what it means to have an addiction.

At this stage, I am one day clean of M and 13 days clean of using

Learning how to be OK with just being OK

Thanks for reading

 Shabbat shalom

Got through Shabbat just fine and really enjoyed it sober!

 Found yet more pills this morning

 i was holding onto A LOT of drugs!

 What else am I holding onto without realizing?

You never truly realize what you’re holding onto until you let go of it 

Looked again and found even more pills what the heck

 now all I have left is one bottle of my daily meds which needs to be refilled soon and about 5 days worth of augmentin

 so many pills that’s so crazy it’s like I saw them but didn’t think about just how many were there!

you got this brother! Were all in this together!

It is wonderful that GYE is helping you express yourself.
Your brothers are right here with you!

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 18 Jun 2023 17:46:

Perhaps a lot 

• Resentment
• Frustrations
• Hurt

What else?

Markz, you nailed it

Making progress slowly but surely

There’s actually somebody that I was holding onto a resentment over for a long time that I let go of recently. It was over something stupid.I came early to Shul one day on a Friday afternoon (for once) and grabbed a front seat. Halfway thru Kabbalat Shabbat, someone came in and told me I’m in his seat. He then proceeded to sit down, lay his head on his arms and fall right asleep. 

I was annoyed, but didn’t say anything. I later found out this guy is the president of a bunch of organizations, head of some Chessed groups, etc etc. 
every time I saw him after that, I thought myself, how could he be the height of an organization that was supposed to do kindness for others if he was so annoying and mean to me. 

Very petty, I know  

This was a few years ago, and every time I saw him I would just feel very slight annoyance

Recently, his father died, and his son had a a bar mitzvah. 

I wasn’t around for the shiva but I went to the bar mitzvah and said kind words to him re. his son and I told him some Nechama re. his father. 

he gave me a big hug and I felt the resentment melt away. 

looking forward to living a serene life. 


I don’t know exactly what it’s going to be like, but I remember the first time I went to the chiropractor I was so nervous, and when I walked out, I was free of pain that I didn’t even realize I was holding onto

may we all merit such peace one day soon. Lots of super hard work but so worth it! 

"Pill"ars or strength! 

Just came out of my second therapy session

The therapist kept on asking me to repeat again and again what did that person say to me when he embarrassed me in public. What feelings am I feeling right now. Repeat - again - again - again - it was really hard and I told him I feel like I’m about to start crying. He said it is OK to cry I cannot even imagine what that must’ve felt like.

he asked me questions of what happened and I must have locked it up somewhere really deep in my mind because I couldn’t really answer him exactly what was said other than the main points. I have tried to forget about it so hard that I couldn’t really remember any of the fine details 

there is a lot of work to be done, and a lot of bad feelings to learn how to deal with and to move on from

I feel like there are many layers I need to pull off of my heart now, like a very thick onion. I am determined to succeed because if I do not, then  I will also become a monster, just like the monstrous man who murdered me in public. 

Did a few very high intensity workouts recently and also was out late last night with my wife, so I was very tired today. Got into the shower after my hard work out today and from the morning I have been thinking of acting in an inappropriate manner for the thrill - then reminded myself of what my friend in AA told me about how we have to learn how to live life without constant thrills

Then called someone who is been in AA and sober for decades, then called my friend in SA, and I managed to get through the morning.

Now, back to the shower, it is amazing how fast my brain was able to go into complete shut down mode, and I was about to touch things that should not be touched by me, and then my wife knocks on the door to tell me something and she snapped me back into reality. She save me! For that, I have gratitude. 

and now I must make sure to eat a nice lunch and stay focused on todays tasks. 

Today is a kind of day, and I’ll be grateful when it’s over, and when I reflect back on it in the future, I will be proud of what I was able to overcome

 may we all find the strength to have the strength…