I’m sorry you’re in so much pain if you need to talk my DM is always open

A few updates from today.

I have been going to AA consistently.

EDIT (less of the gory details):
I fell all day today. 

Sick of jumping from one addition to another

Reached out for help in getting a therapist today and I have someone who will be helping me find the right fit and hopefully I will be able to  start working with someone starting next week

connecting with real humans at meetings, who are struggling just like me, is reassuring in a sense that I am not unique and that other people are struggling in the same way.  we are here to help each other by relating to one another’s struggles. In person is more powerful in some ways than in an online forum, as special as this place may be. 

Also, the reactions of people have been writing to my increased stream of commentary has been encouraging and gives me strength.

Thank you for caring

Also, a mentor that my wife and I are able to reach out to who is not scared to smash me with a sledgehammer every once in a while is a big help for getting me on track.

I feel like very small changes are happening, but they are in the right direction

I told my wife today that I am crawling out of the pit, she said “as long as you’re going in the right direction, I have hope.” I told her I just wanna let you know though, that the pit is very very deep, and it will take me a while to crawl out. 

we went on a long walk today

 T’was nice

Not to lecture you or be a nudge but remember be patient that this is a long process and that progress is measured in baby steps not by great instantaneous leaps. 
Keep reaching out we’re here for you 

Thanks for the wise words, Foolie

Woke up feeling OK and not hating myself, and… dare I say it…? Slightly hopeful for the future 

there is something called the “serenity prayer” in AA. it goes like this 

G-d, grant me the serenity to accept that which I cannot change, change that which I can, and the wisdom to know the difference

i repeat it throughout the day and think about it a lot. 

“serenity to accept that which I cannot change” is one of the most powerful concepts I have ever pondered. 

I don’t HAVE TO change things that bother me. I can let them exist separately from me, and that’s ok!

You are a real fighter and you have an amazing supportive wife
Don't take it for granted

Have a great shabbes

I was struggling to try to not take my Friday afternoon drink so I called my temporary sponsor, and we had a long conversation about the mindset behind all of this. I’m still feeling the pull but it’s weaker and I think I can get through.

Update

drank some

Put up a darn good fight

let’s see how I do over Shabbat…

if there’s one thing I’m not it’s a quitter. 

except for addictions - I definitely would like to quit that


For the record, I took one sip of the second drink, then poured it in the backyard

Small steps my friend small steps. Keep working the process

Today I started contemplating who is my Creator? What is my “G-d as I understand him?”

Can I dare change G-d?

 If He is the Jewish G-d, and if He is as He is described in the Torah and our writings, then He always was and always will be the same - regardless of my understanding. 

What difference does my understanding of Him make in the reality of things? 

If I worship a G-d of my understanding, then that is not Judaism. That would be ILH-ism and a made up religion. 

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 05 Jun 2023 02:10:

I think your understanding of G-d makes a big difference in the reality of things. I am not referring to the theology of G-d, but how you, in your own life, receive or experience G-d.

Here are some ways in which I have received G-d in my actual experience over the years:

• "G-d who I can turn to in a time of distress"
• "G-d who loves me for who I am"
• "G-d who demands that I learn Torah at every free moment,"
• "G-d who punishes me for looking at pornography and masturbating."
• "G-d who thinks I am a sinner."
• "G-d who thinks I am righteous."

Again, you are not necessarily going to change your beliefs or intent when you say Shema Yisroel, but it is a worthwhile exercise to think about how you are actually experiencing G-d in your life.

Finally accepted that I am an addict. I said so in public at the AA meeting last night.

Not sure how that applies to alcohol, perhaps I am an addict to addicting things perhaps when I can’t get my fix, and I am not working on it, I reach out to escape to other things…

Not clear on that yet

But just like porn or M or drinking, or drugging it is an escape from facing the realities of my life

I grew up with everything other than the free will to make my own decisions

Currently on my way for an intake to get a therapist and deal with the source and root of all that troubles me

Good Luck 

Yep. Exactly the way it is. This is a beautiful post, thank you for being here, friend.

שבע יפול צדיק וקם wrote on 05 Jun 2023 03:03:

My post just above was referring to this post, by you. 
And, thanks again ❤️

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 07 Jun 2023 18:16:

It's so great to finally get something related to the help we really need. I pray your intake therapist is honest, objective, and most of all has siyata diShmaya. 

I presume the AA meeting you attended was an open one, rather than a Closed AA meeting where only alcoholics are invited.

The question you are mulling over of how it applies to alcohol, is unclear to me. Care to explain what you mean?

Thx