read something beautiful from rabbi biderman in Torah Wellsprings this week from the parasha:

‏הגבל את ההר וקידשתו

take the letters bordering the word ‏הר. 

ד(ה)ו
ק(ר)ש

what do the extra letters spell? 

קדוש

kedusha comes when a person establishes boundaries for themselves

 beautiful!

p.s. if anyone needs a filter for their Internet, I am able to sponsor it. I have a sponsor with a fund for exactly that cause. Please reach out if you need help with paying for it.

I am coming to the understanding that this whole challenge can be overcome with a change in mindset. The pulls will still be there, but the potency of the pull will be much different.

I have yet to figure out what the moment of choice is, and what exactly pushes a person over the edge to the side of making the decision that he wants and needs to make. Although I have done it in different areas in my life, I am still trying to get a deeper understanding of the buildup of clarity, strength, motivation, and resilience needed to do what needs to be done.

Any thoughts? It is free to share! 

day 151
what a wonderful accomplishment
no longer dreading the next fall
looking forward to today and the next
BH!

TYH

WARNING
DANGER
ALERT!!!!

someone crashed into me with their car in the past year. I have been in physical and occupational therapy intensively for a long time. I had to be in touch with this person occasionally to get information, and I was working on getting a notarized statement from her. Upon attorneys advice I try to minimize contact and call today for it was hopefully the last time in order to seal the deal on that statement with her notarized signature. 

Middle-age, divorced woman with no kids

Didn’t let me talk for about 12 minutes. Refused to notarize document after her rant. 

Said things like I really like you. there is a reason that we met. Hopefully we can get together.
I would like to come to you for Shabbat meals. Etc. etc. 

she even tried getting my home address under the guise of sending me mishloach manot in a few weeks. 

upon the advice of reb HHM I asked my attorney to send her a letter requesting to to approach me or my home and to cease all contact with me. 

obviously I’m not going to do it but now I just wanna look at bad things and do drugs and the thoughts are spinning in my head 

I’m on the phone with a friend right now. 

this is so hard.

Spoke to HHM he talked me down and told me to look at the situation from the outside

i.e. acknowledge the feelings and accept them but remove yourself from them and move away from the situation

still trying to absorb the concept

was going to meet a friend at a restaurant but he couldn’t come

si I ordered my favorite dishes from a local diary place and and parked outside waiting to pick up. Gonna surprise wife (who I called to ask if ok to go out - I was out meeting a vendor already) and she was cool with it. 

I am making an active choice to treat my wife instead of going to visit a massage parlor (read “prostitute”) after getting high

not doing any drugs
Wife still not feeling well so I’m not getting any sex

I feel like this is an opportunity to fix the mistake. I made last summer with the lady who picked up my business card at a local café.

Please pray for me

ILH ben ILH’s mother 

ty

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 21 Feb 2023 01:59:

You are such a fighter. And when you fight, you succeed. Proud of you, my friend. Wish I could give you a huge hug and the biggest pat on the back. Your efforts are heroic. 

Dear brother! We came on to gye together ( remember?? hope not the bad stuff ) and I always think about you. I love to watch you fight like a lion ( sometimes a little jealous…) and get such chizuk from watching all this! Keep it up and keep us posted. Btw I have your real name you sent me it through pm mounts ago I’m gonna say tihilem for you right now but the deal is you have me in mind in your prayers too. You have known idea how powerful your Tefillah is right now that you are literally giving your life over to Hashem!! 

Had yummy takeout with wife and painted something pretty when I got home

 going to sleep soon

 thanks for the audience to vent

 love you guys

 thanks for being my clan

Geshmak! wrote on 21 Feb 2023 03:25:

Thanks for reminding me in the moment… I asked Hashem to give me my reward for that night in this world. I requested to not have to sleep so much anymore and to have the strength to always wake up early. 

got up (and out of bed and dressed) at 6am today for the first time since… well I don’t really remember the last time I did that to be perfectly honest

ty for the chizuk

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 21 Feb 2023 03:25:

Being around hero’s like you on gye is very humbling. You have a much greater struggle than I and many here do!!

How do you manage?

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 21 Feb 2023 01:59:

Unreal! You are a true inspiration to us all! The fact that you turned your hard moment into a giving moment just blew me away. Keep it up!

Markz, thank you for your kind words but please remember that I’m just a regular guy, just like you. Maybe I even sit next to you in Shul…. And how do I do it? A day at a time. Sometimes just a few minutes at a time on a hard day. And not always successful, my eyes might wander but I have the highest level filters (anything I needed that was blocked I either got access or figured it out with my brain) and if I have a slip, I move on immediately. 

Eerie, thank you for the kind words. In all honesty, I just wanted a ton of mozzarella sticks and gnocchi and if I didn’t share with someone that would be gluttonous. At least this way I had a rationalization :p

@ILH You're a huge inspiration! You have an iron will, and it's something that all of us are amazed by and want to emulate. Keep on showing us what it means to fight for holiness!!

Gentlemen, BH the storm has passed. 

I shared a general idea that j was struggling very much and how I overcame (very generally) w my wife and she was very proud. 

yesterday she told me that she feels very safe with me. 

last night I wanted and she wasn’t feeling it, but said I can try to get her to that mood - it didn’t work and after a minute or two I said it’s ok let’s try a different time. She really appreciated that, and I felt like we accomplished feeling closeness davka by not being physical but rather mutually and happily agreeing to try a different time. 

TYH

p.s. my Rav gave me a psak that I should stop learning till 1pm every day and focus on building my assets. I have been working very hard JM developing my current project and BH am accomplishing things I had been pushing off. Set up a 30 min chavruta with my neighbor in the mornings - goal is 6am before Daven if still working my way down to those hours - and I carry a pocket sized chok leyisrael with me and try to learn each day’s portion by the end of the day. 

really pushing myself to succeed and although I’m learning less, I’m also running away from life less and have been less fearful of taking risks and pitching my business as well as my wife’s startup (which I’m basically starting up and she is providing the professional services). 

feeling empowered. 

amazing, you are such a HUGE hero,
regarding learning, I wanted to share a thought I had, when the Mishne says "טוב מעט בכוונה מהרבה שלא בכוונה" it can also mean that it's better to learn less (of course after discussing daas torah) mindfully, than learning more without the right mindset. It's the quality that counts more than the quantity...

keep up your amazing heroic work, and keep on inspiring the nation. קודשא בריך הוא ואורייתא וישראל love you and need you.