Guess what? Broke outa the funk BH! Here’s a few incfluences that helped me:

Got a great compliment from my wife today - “I'm not sure if it’s because I’m trying to be nicer to you or because you are trying to be nicer to me, but thank you, ILH, for making it so pleasant to be around you after our conversation the other night. I feel like you really care and really like me now.”

WIN! 

also, I have several partners with whom I check in weekly / several times a week and it is helping me so much! My partners tell me how grateful they are for the accountability, and for the high standard I hold them to, but on a personal level when I give people strength in a certain area, I can’t be a hypocrite and not act that way myself!

A big thank you to HHM for the push to partner up with others

another interesting note - we have a mikveh night this Friday evening. I told my wife I’m ok with it if she wants to wait till motzei Shabbat bc it will be a cold and dark walk home, but to keep in mind that leil Shabbat is a very special time to bring a big special neshama down into the world when conceiving and that concept, combined with her tremendous mesirut Nefesh could bring a very special child into our lives. I made it clear that regardless of her choice, I’d be supportive. 

a day and a half later she chose the Friday night option (!).

Please Daven for “ILH ben Mother of ILH” and for “ILH’s wife bat MIL of ILH” for a successful zivug and Zera shel kayama.  We really want another child and BH Hashem should have mercy upon us and grant us our wish. 

chizuk613613 wrote on 15 Jan 2023 02:03:

Not 100% relevant but there is a chrome extension called Adblock/Adblock pro that does amazing work blocking pretty much all ads. 

So happy to hear things are looking up, my friend! You sound like an amazing fellow, with all that is difficult on your end, still going out of your way to show your wife how much you care for her and how much you support her in everything she does, no wonder she's there to support you with whatever it is that you need help with! Keep sharing with us, and keep trucking! 

So the baby had  another febrile seizure 

I started to have an anxiety / panic attack (only other time this happened to me was by the first seizure when I was holding a seizing baby in my hands and running to the doctor) 

told wife now  I can understand you better bc she deals with anxiety 

was appreciated


 

Traded in my old work phone (older iPhone) for an upgraded one with a better camera - I felt like a fire burning inside of me as I drove straight from the Verizon store to TAG to get a filter in the new device. 

I now am siting in the parking lot of the Verizon store which I guess closer earlier on sundays. 

the yetzer is whispering to me… your old phone doesn’t have a filter just browse a little… going home now to lock up that device in the safe…. Where it will stay till tomorrow BH 

Ah, A holy yid who knows how to give the YH a good kick in the pants, no matter how quietly he whispers...

Wife took device straight to the store first thing this morning. I am making an active effort to not be thrilled by the new device.

constantly reminding myself it is a business tool to be used when needed and not more than that, not a toy to play with as much as I want

The past 2 months or so have been really hard. There’s a medication I take every morning that has not been available, and the alternative that I was using did not really do a good job. I’ve been moody, irrational, and irritable.

When’s my wife realize that this was what the issue is, she somehow found one place that  had some and immediately got me a 30 day prescription

What a difference!

Pro tip if I may suggest, always take your meds

here’s  to day 2 of not feeling crazy!

(the alt meds I was taking made me feel like I was on narcotics. As if I was in a cartoon world. Not a good feeling!)

Also feeling super depressed and sluggish right now

i started learning in a different place I. The mornings and the only person that was available smokes weed every evening. He came to help me with a project in my house this weekend and stepped into my car with a joint in his hand (?!?!?!) 

I asked him not to do that since I have struggled with it and it’s really hard for me to have him smell and smoke right next to me. Also it’s totally not ok to smoke [anything] in someone else’s car at all. Totally not appropriate. 

he then finished his joint in my back yard

 what am I supposed to do with such a person?!!?!!

the next zman is in such a long time! I don’t want to switch in the middle. I already did that once this zman for the first time in my life. It sucks. 

a lot of people have been encouraging me to go to a different yeshiva in the mornings that is much more “family oriented״

im feeling like quitting the learning till one and cutting back to 11:30 or 12:30

dont know what the right thing to do is. 
I need to call my Rav….

Sounds like the right move to me, my friend. Talk to him and tell him Eerie sends regards, will ya? The people that know you and your situation will be much more capable of helping you decide. But being around that guy, that creeps me out.

Spoke to my rav today

 told me to focus more on my parnassa, and make it a priority. Focus on building my business and stop sacrificing professional growth for learning past half the day - build assets and retire early then learn all day. 

was there with the very close relative that I do work for part time (bring in 6 figures of profits for him a year) who recently cut my pay in half (after it was halved last year when I switched from full to part time). One of the reasons is that i started doing the work remotely instead of commuting 6 hours a week to do 4-5 hours of work a week. The work I do (if an outsider were to be hired) would require two specialist employees costing a total of minimum of $120k a year. Working remotely = more (quantity and quality of) actual work done, but the problem is twofold - the work I do is quite advanced and since I am very good at it, I can do the equivalent of 3.5-5.0 average work hours per 1 work hour of mine. Secondly, I am not being asked just to do the two tasks - once the door is opened, all the requests for all the other things come my way - a lot of them things that lazy employees can figure out themselves with 5 minutes of using their brain. 

 trying to figure out how to leave this work which I basically do as a Chessed in order to focus on growing my own business. At this point it would be more profitable and time effective to just have him fire me from this position and just collect unemployment. 

 this man has helped me tremendously in life and I have a lot of hakarat haTov  but at this point it is destroying the relationship and the expectations do not meet the reality. Fortunately this is part time work and I’m not dependent on the income, but it cover(ed) my basic fixed expenses and I do feel the difference. 

was a wreck when I got home tn. Even started googling “couples massages” earlier today but stopped that very fast. Head exploding, back spasms, extreme fatigue… wife recognize i needed TLC (yesterday I TLC’d her when she was having a very hard time) and she ran a hot bath for me with epsom salt. 

Hashem should continue to bless wife of ILH bat MIL of ILH

btw talking about MIL - she was apparently diagnosed with an aggressive cancer that is spreading - has an urgent appointment this Thursday. Have been making a big effort to support wife with this issue. 

please Daven for my MIL. She’s a very special woman and maybe if someone here can take upon themselves an internet filter or to switch away from a smartphone it should be a ‏מליץ יושר for all involved

tizku lemitzvot. 



ps. I recognize that I’m going through growing pains in life and that only good will come out of it… but ouch it hurts! 

A lot of the growth is in the subtleties… wife dragged me on a dinner date tonight (thank Gd - it was very necessary and past due)

asked her to switch seat with me since we were in the back of the restaurant and I sat facing the front. Told her I prefer to not see all the women in the restaurant (I may have been the only male patron at the time). 

said I want to guard eyes and also some of the women can be a bit roguish, trying to catch my eye and I prefer not to deal with that. 

she was a bit confused at first but then understanding and appreciative. 

+1 for me

iLoveHashem247 wrote on 01 Feb 2023 04:33:

AH!!!! 
+ 100 million for you!

Will daven for both of you,
Rifua shleima,
May hashem give you the koches needed,

ILH
i promise to be clean today and be here for my wife and kids in a Zechus for your MIL
if you want i should say some tehillem send me a PM with her name