It has come to this point and I don't feel ashamed. I feel exhausted. I feel like I've been repeating this same feeling for the 1000th time, yet nothing is changing. I have filters yet I find my way around them. I used to think that I had real gedarim but they are all fake. Let's be honest, if I really want to watch/see inappropriate content there's nothing stopping me. If found every way around my $$$ filter which I guess works for most people who don't struggle as much as I. I honestly feel like I hit rock bottom a few weeks ago after I fell to my taivas after lasting a few months and having the best months of my life. It felt as though my world was crashing in. Now I'm just used to it. I am of the age of dating and know I am absolutely not starting to think about dating once I know I have put this struggle behind me for good. At the end of the day one thing is true: It's just me, my yetzer hara, and Hashem. Nobody else. I was placed in this Dor for a very specific reason. I have the ability to be Okur Harim and Hashem believes in me. I am left battling my internal Amalek, the most devious and sneaky thing in this world. I know I can do it. So lets just face it head on and get this war over with. This is for my future eishes chayil and Hakadosh Baruch Hu. I love you.

Really beautiful first post! I relate to so much of much of what you wrote.

One thing your post shows me is that you already understand that the avodah in this battle is to change ourselves as a person. We must come to deeply internalize (not just read it once or twice in a sefer or hear in a shmuz) how truly worthless and harmful shmutz are to us and to develop a taste for what a true state of simcha really is (i.e., growth in avodas Hashem). Then we can win. Filters can work very well for when something would have otherwise unsuspectingly popped up and the filter stops it and saves you, but, like you're noting, you can always go buy a new phone or the like. Filters a guardrail on a mountain road. It stops you from accidental falls, but if you want to drive off the mountain through the guardrail, with enough motivation you'll be able to figure out how to. Our goal in life is to work on ourselves and slowly realize how we TRULY have a taiva to be on the mountain road more than we have a taiva to drive off the cliff. At that point, filters will work and life is going veiter.

Hatzlacha rabba! Keep posting!

What a beautiful post!  It is obvious that you are focused and understand the work that you have to do. I hope that you will stay engaged with us and also with a rebbi or mentor in person.

  Ironically because you are smart and really understand what you are facing you have an elevated risk of thinking in the future that you can figure it out on your own. (Not that this is your intention! You signed up here specifically to connect). Don’t fall for that.  Success in this struggle is very much related to connecting with others. 

please keep in touch and let us know what you are doing to fight this struggle.  Let us know what works and where you find dangerous situations to avoid.  This will help others but will also help you stay focused. 

we will be here to give you chizuk and provide tips from each of our unique experiences.  

With hashems help, I hope you continue to inspire us.  

Really relate to almost everything you said. Feel free to get in touch by email and/or check out my thread

 beautiful post. Try to conceptualize that happiness you attained. Realize that that state of being is your best friend. Porn on the other hand is no friend at all. It's an abusive one way relationship like a friend you have a good time with but treats you poorly and abandoning you. It's junk food.

You got this.

Shalom akeichem Ridingthatklipah,
welcwelcome to Guard your eyes. Baruch Hashem here at least we can say you have come to the right ace. יגעתי ומצאתי תאמין.
Can you PM me? I might have some tools for you
Enjoy your Shabbos!

RiddingthatKlipah wrote on 07 Apr 2022 06:43:

Hi, welcome.

I'm less of a cheerleader... You have lot's of metaphors for your struggle. Yet they all make it into an external issue (that happens to be inside you). It's part of you. Learn to accept it. Then you can change. 

Welcome! Very special that your focus is on not hurting a wife. Do you have a rebbi or mentor that you can speak with? if not, reach out to GYE for one...