Some nice questions, Shem, though I'm not sure answering them will be as much of a toieles as you make out. I'll only be adding to the great cholent of experiences to be found on the forum and confuse the oilom even more as they try to figure out the question of all questions, 'Am I an addict?'. It's so easy to try and match one's own experience to the stories you read about on the forum, but the truth is the picture you get from reading someone's posts doesn't begin to portray who they actually are or the true nature of their struggles. I know I would have saved myself a lot of agmas nefesh if I would have focused more on myself and what works for me instead of seeing myself in terms of what I read about here. There's a lot of aspects to my story, I personally don't want to go into great detail of all my deviant and depraved activities, nor can I give you an accurate picture of the reckless risks I was taking daily or how my obsession was taking over my life in every way.
I joined SA because HHM advised me to. Dov, cordnoy and my Rov also strongly advised it, (although as far as I could see, they all had their own take on me and SA). I didn't want to go, I didn't think I had to. But I went, and came to see why they were right.
You've brought me back to this thread, but I hadn't been planning on revisiting it. Reading those posts you quoted on reaching 100 days reminded me of those confused and troubled times when I felt horrible in myself, sad and helpless. I was very superficially clean, the obsession was growing massively, and when I did fall again I experienced the obsession with an intensity like never before, (there's the toxicity to lust, especially strong after abstaining for a while). So thank you for the opportunity to reflect a bit on how I've progressed since then. In SA I began to face myself, accept myself, I learnt what honesty was and also underwent an in-depth ego deflation. I had thought I was 'it'. Better and different to the rest, could do the heck I wanted and immune to the consequences. I faced my relationship with Hashem, my wife and those around me, and it's only beginning. Occasionally it feels like I'm putting myself through my own soul-surgery without painkillers, but the rewards are priceless. To live grounded in reality, free from the hellish obsession and all it brings one day at a time. And to experience growth from where I'm at.
Thanks for letting me share!
If not for anyone else, there was toieles for me. So thanks!