Hi all,

So here is my story. I am a married modern orthodox man aged 26. I have been addicted to porn for as long as I can remember. Images, videos, stories, you name it I've seen it. I would watch on a regular basis, at least weekly, probably more often. I started the 90 day programme because this addiction was affecting every aspect of my life negatively, including and especially my relationship with my wife. I wanted to change , wanted to be in control of my desires and realised that this was a challenge that Hashem put in front of me so wanted to show him that I was mentally strong enough to come through it, to make both him and I proud. My days clean before falling were as follows: 53 day first time, then 14, 13, 8 , 25, 5, 71 , 202. My latest 202 run felt incredible, it felt like I had defeated my urges and taken control of my life, I was finally able to feel proud of myself - something I very rarely feel. I stopped looking at porn but also in general at other women/inappropriate TV shows etc etc. I felt like I would never return to porn. Yet yesterday my wife took a pregnancy test, it was negative, again. We have been trying for a while and I have reached a point where I am depressed, demotivated and anxious about being infertile and never having children. After that last test I felt anger at Hashem and sorry for myself - I have been doing so well, why is this happening to my wife and I? So I fell , 3 times in one day , having been clean for 202 days. I now feel devastated at what I have done, how could I be so weak? How could I give in to my urges at a time when I need Hashems help the most? Will I be punished because of my inability to resist? 

This is the first time in my life that I have posted on an Internet forum. But I honestly don't know what to do or think right now. Any advice? 

Hi Zebj910,

Wow you shared an amazing journey with so much successes after soo long being in this addiction.

I can't give you precise advise but what I can only say is that the point is that it's a fight it's not easy if it was, it wouldn't be a big deal the entire topic.

That being said, the feelings and thoughts you have now, also make sense and would be hard to resist, instead think that "even" you fell, had these thoughts, and have fallen three times, etc. you are going to start again.

Much Hatzloche

Wow. What an amazing journey. I am in awe of your accomplishments so far and am sure that you will continue to grow. If you focus on the big picture you will see that your falls are one small tiny drop of the picture. 99.9% of the time has been a period of growth. Hashem must be having tremendous nachas from you. Hashem did not create us as perfect beings and our job is to work on ourselves. You are doing that consistently. Do not listen to the voice that tells you that you ruined everything. That is the yetzer hara. Hashem is very close to you and will be with you through this. When you daven Try to take a moment and focus on how much hashem loves you. I feel your pain and have been close to people with similar challenges. Ttyl

Welcome!

We want this to be over and done with and when we get to 200+ days we can mistakenly feel like we will never struggle again. For some it can happen but for most, the struggles find their way back, although it can become less frequent. 

One of the hardest things for me is falling after I've been through an optimistic stretch because I thought that this time is going to be the time where I will never have to look back again. What helps me is to remember that the reality of my journey is that the moment I expect to "never struggle again" is also the moment when I start struggling. 

This is just my experience, I thought you may be able to relate.

Hashem isn't mad at you, what he gives you has little direct relationship to whether you watch porn. (see Michtav Me'Eliyahu in the very first ma'amar where he brings the Mishna in Pirkei Avos that says schar mitzva bhai alma lekah. He explains that to mean that since mitzvos are eternal, and this world is finite, it's simply not possible to properly reward in this world. He explains further that the same applies to aveiros, we don't get punished for our aveiros in this world rather we are punished in order to bring us to teshuvah) Hashem is there for you even if you watch porn all he wants if for you to continue growing closer to him.

Hashem knows everything, including how hard it is, and how hard we are trying to stop. Hashem sees the struggle, not just the outcome. He put us here to fight and that is exactly what we are doing. No one can tell you what Hashem has planned for each of us, but the main thing is not to be complacent.

Wishing you much hatzlacha!

Zebj910 wrote on 24 Mar 2022 08:36:

All I can say is that we're here to share your intense pain. You are not alone. Not only will you not be punished, Hashem is crying along with you too.  
The Gemara in Sanhedrin elucidates a debate regarding the response of Hashem to a sinner, “קלני מראשי קלני מזרועי אם כן המקום מצטער על דמן של רשעים” Kallani, is translated as distressed. When we sin, Hashem is distressed and feels it the same way we do.

In regards to dealing with your struggle, I would advise that you have a conversation with our member "Hashem Help Me" who has helped many people and has experience in your unique situation, you can reach him at michelgelner@gmail.com 

Stay strong and connected - Hashem should be with you always!

Just know that the guys on here will always be there for you. I’ve experienced it myself. Good luck! Keep your head high!!!

Wow, 202 days is just incredible. My highest is around 2 months.

I am wondering, have you celebrated your victories often? 90 is a huge accomplishment. 202 is even bigger. Think about what Hashem wants from you. Does he want you to feel regret for having fallen? Yes. But does he want you to focus on the positive and celebrate your victories? Also yes.

So yes, you’ve fallen, but still, you’ve had so much success. (I honestly look up to ur 202 day streak.) Right now focus on the good you’ve done and are going to do, because becoming depressed about breaking your streak will only make you fall more, not help you succeed in the future. Depression is a trick of the yetzer hara, not a tool of the yetzer tov (in this case).

We know we are supposed to emulate Hashem’s attributes, and one of his attributes is that He focuses on the positive. We should follow the same example (I am talking to myself here too) and look at the positives. 

I am not married, so I can’t possibly imagine the pain of not seeing the positive sign on the pregnancy test. It must be really tough. I give you a sincere bracha that you should see success soon and have many wonderful, normal, smart kids.

Larry Bird wrote on 24 Mar 2022 13:48:

And you as well.  Great to see that 4!!

You said that you stopped watching p and inappropriate tv shows but is this something you did by removing any access you had to them or just by sheer will alone? It would be quite impressive if you did it with sheer will alone but that's usually not the best when you fall into vulnerable situations. Relying on filters alone also isn't the best also, but if you haven't already I recommend that you start there. I listed some free filters in my signature below that you can get that will help you filter most of the devices you have access to, I recommend you check them out for more details because they all have more than just filter features, they also include many accountability features. 

Just a heads up about the filters, they do need someone who you trust to be the "family organizer" who is in control of the filters (except for webchaver although you have the option to have the screenshots sent to such a person). You can set someone who know already as that person or you can sign up for the GYE partner program and set that person in control, and anonymously. It's halacha to get them anyway, and to rationalize it in a way I think most can understand, if you're embarrassed to take this step as it relates to how others will view you if they found out, you should get the filters to just prevent any exposure children will have to p, whether it be nephews or your own children which be'ezrat Hashem you should have b'karov. And I think even women, who don't share or understand the same thought processes and urges as we do, can and will understand such a concern. There are many studies done that show that at somewhere between 90% to 100%, I think it was 96% but I don't remember, of children get exposed to this stuff on the internet (when they have unrestricted access to it) and then it's just a downward spiral from there that all of us here on GYE are familiar with.

I would say just keep on going... dont make a fuss over it. If you fall back into it that's something else, but just one time, nu nu... (Tshuveh you can do in 4 weeks from now)

whoa!!!! 202 days that's holy bro!! Holy!
you are special!
Pray for me, they listen to you upstairs.