Hey, I think I introduced myself in this forum about a year ago but I can’t find it anywhere, so I’m deciding to introduce myself again. On this forum I wanna discuss my current struggles and my history.

Here is goes.

I’m Koshereyes, an 18 year old living in the US, so, like most 18 year olds in the US, I watch porn and masterbate. BH right now I am in yeshiva and have a blocked phone (mostly, but we’ll talk about that later), so my main struggle right now is when I go home.
My parents are baalei teshuva and I consider myself a normal orthodox kid with a slightly less orthodox family. My parents are kinda clueless when it comes to shmiras einayim (this is due to my father probably being on the autism spectrum along with him growing up in a non-frum home, and my mother also being a bit “off”, as well as her being a woman and not understating men’s teiva issues). They did filter our devices a while back but never told us why. However they didn’t block them well and the blocks were easy to get around.
I never got “the talk”. My mom (no, not my dad) gave me a book to read about “the changes that are happening with my body” but it didn’t really explain much and it left me more curious than satisfied with their explanation. So, like any kid in the 21st century with access to an unlocked device, I found all my information on puberty on the internet. That led to porn, which led to masterbating.

That’s a brief history of how I got into porn and masterbating. IYH I will write the full story later. 

Here are my current struggles: Like I mentioned before, my phone is currently blocked, but I got access to Google.com and can now search whatever I want on Images. I know how to get this fixed (I just need to tell the Rebbi who blocked the phone how to fix it).
My main struggle is when I get home from yeshiva. There is an unblocked phone in the house that I can pretty much access all the time, so I use that for porn and masterbating almost every day, sometimes even twice a day. Luckily I have worked hard on myself and no longer feel a terrible depression after masterbating. That’s a big step forward from where I was a few years ago. Right now I need to figure out a way to fix the problem at home, but, for the most part, I am doing good right now in shmiras einayim.
There is also another app on my phone, which I need, that can access some inappropriate stuff on there but I don’t go on it often.

Okay, thats it for now. I’m tired and it’s late. IYH I’ll post another time. I hope you enjoyed. 

Welcome back. Kudos to you for working hard on yourself. Hopefully you will stick around and stay connected. This will help you in this struggle.

Can you share the nature of the work that you put in to avoid feeling depressed after masturbation?

There are many people on the site in your age range and hopefully some can share specifics of what works for someone living in an unfiltered home.

Do you have anything that you are doing consistently to train yourself to stop acting on these desires? (Any series of podcasts or books etc on this subject or any of the other methods you can find in this site)

Regarding not feeling depressed after watching porn/masterbating, it’s easier said than done, but it’s honestly not as hard as one may think. 

To me there are two main things that I keep in mind to not feel down:
1) It’s normal. A lot of people watch porn and masterbate. I heard somewhere (not sure how true it is) that 40% of internet use is for porn. That’s a lot of filth. That also means I am not alone or strange or abnormal for doing these things.

2) I used to feel like Hashem hates me because I do such disgusting things (ie P&M). I have learned that, while Hashem doesn’t like what I’m doing, He still loves me. My mother always tried to convey that principle to me: you can not like someone for a while but still love them. Yes, Hashem may not be happy with what I am doing, but that love is still there. Otherwise how else would I be breathing or seeing or feeling? Only if Hashem loves me.

Regarding what I do to restrain myself from acting out: right now the best I do is by pushing it off, not actually stopping from acting out completely. What I do is watch a few episodes of TV or a movie and wait, but I still end up acting out, usually within that day. I know that’s not the healthiest way to prevent myself from acting out, but it’s better than nothing. Also, every second I prevent myself from acting out is a big mitzva, so (I think) I am doing a big mitzvah by watching TV lol

Kudos to you for fighting this amazing battle!
It is not easy for Bochurim to stay strong in today's difficult world.

The attached booklet was written by a typical good Yeshiva Bochur learning in a typical Yeshiva. He had the same struggles as everyone else and Baruch Hashem has succeeded to grow through them and move on. In this important letter, he wanted to share with other Bochurim what he learned from his journey, to encourage them and share that they are not alone! He guides his peers to the right perspective and suggests a few simple tools, encouraging and ensuring them that they too can see tremendous Siyata Deshmaya and overcome this difficult struggle.

Although there are many eBooks and resources that deal with this topic, this particular letter is important because it is coming from one bochur to another, as opposed to being written by a mechanech or therapist who is coming from a different place.

Download here: https://www.guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/bochur-to-bochur

Hey Koshereyes,
Like DavidT said, it's amazing that you are also fighting this very difficult battle. I am really proud of you and you should feel great about yourself that you are in the battle and fighting!  I've also been a warrior in this war for many years.

I just want to say though that I don't really understand your point #1 regarding normalcy about pornography and how that helps you to not feel depressed.
What I would have understood is if you had written that you have come to not feel depressed about feeling taivos for women because feeling taivos for women is certainly normal and healthy. For me, though, assuming your statistic is correct, the fact that 40% of internet traffic is for this filth just means that filth and lowliness has become normal, but it wouldn't make me feel any better if I was G-d forbid a part of it.

Keep up the good fight though and you are correct that you should DEFINITELY feel good about yourself because Hashem DEFINITELY loves you a LOT.

Point 1 is a double edged sword. You are correct that it is pervasive so it’s understandable that you fell. However you have to be very careful not to use that as an excuse to continue on that path.

Point 2 is extremely powerful and crucial for your journey here. Of the more you understand that hashem loves you the easier it will be to connect.



If you don’t say modeh ani in the morning or don’t focus on it yet, you may try to commit to saying it every day. Even if you forget when you wake up you can say it later the important thing is to say it every day.

This is the basic meaning “Thank you hashem for returning my soul with mercy (even though I might not yet be fully worthy). Your (hashems) faith in ME (that I will get on track and become worthy) is great”

@5Uu80*cdwB#^ and Vehkam 
I totally see what u guys are saying abt point 1. The reason it helps me is because I feel like I am abnormal and alone a lot. It is comforting to know that I am not the only one struggling with this issue and that millions of other people are going thru the same problems. Like you said, it by no means means that P&M are okay, just that I am not abnormal for doing so

I would like to write about another issue I’m going thru right now. It is slightly connected to P&M but not really.

I have depression (not severe or anything). Right now it’s hard for me to be motivated to do some stuff, like learning or socializing. My main problem right now is socializing. It’s hard for me to have things to say and even harder for me to feel included in conversations. I know that it’s due to a distorted reality in which I think I’m unworthy of being included and am inferior to everyone else. I know logically that that’s not true, but emotionally I don’t feel it. It’s hard for me to feel part of the crowd. I wish I could feel more included and involved. Anyone have some good ideas on how to help?

Keep posting here!!

Koshereyes wrote on 21 Mar 2022 17:40:

Depression is something that should be discussed with a Doctor or therapist.

Even if it's not major , there is something called "Minor depressive disorder" which is very similar to major depressive disorder in the symptoms present. Generally, a person's mood is affected by thoughts and feelings of being sad or down on themselves or by a loss of interest in nearly all activities. People can experience ups and downs in their life everyday where an event, action, stress or many other factors can affect their feelings.

People who suffer from low self-esteem and/or depression are often more prone to addictive behaviors (be it alcohol, drugs, or lust). We use the addiction to "self-sooth" feelings of inadequacy, and to escape from ourselves and from the harsh world around us.

Also, "low self-esteem" is - in itself - a form of addiction as well. "It" wants us to believe we are un-likeable, incapable, and that no one really cares about us. This is a kind of self-defense mechanism that we often use as a sort-of shell to hide within. Instead of facing our real issues (which we find too hard to face), we use "low self-esteem" to say, "Heck, we aren't worth it anyway; no one cares anyway; we can't anyway". etc. etc... and we close up within ourselves.

Hey,

I want to eventually stop watching porn and masterbating, but right now I’m not on that level. My current level is that, if I masterbate then I call that a fall. Sadly my filter right now lets me search up inappropriate pics but no vids. I don’t count looking at pics as a fall since it’s literally almost impossible for me to not look at pics. BEH I will get the pics thing solved in a few weeks.

On a diff note, I am really tempted to buy a second smartphone just for watching porn. It’s so hard for me not to watch. My life feels kinda empty without it. I know that’s a problem and I don’t know how to fix it. Any ideas that you have would be great and I would really appreciate hearing them.

Like I said before, I eventually want to stop watching porn, but, sadly, I don’t see myself ever stopping. Is there anyone else who has experienced this and has eventually stopped? I would love to hear how u changed ur mindset 

Shavua tov Koshereyes,

I feel deeply for your struggle and, like probably everyone on this site, can appreciate the feelings you are describing. It is by no means easy to escape from these things, especially in 21st century America. However, it is by all means essential to escape from them.

It sounds to me like you currently don't appreciate with enough urgency how porn and looking at immodest photos (really lusting in any form including compulsive imagining) will G-d forbid poison your brain and bring destruction to your future marriage if you do not stop now. This is really not a joke. You need to talk to guys from GYE who have had their lives and marriages ruined by pornography and the addiction to lust. This forum (i.e., GYE) is loaded with tragic stories of middle aged guys coming out and saying that their marriage is in ruins, life is miserable, etc etc etc, Rachmana litzlan! It is perfectly normal to think women are beautiful and to have a tiava to look at them, but step 1 to quitting is deeply internalizing that you want, and NEED, to quit.

5Uu80*cdwB#^ wrote on 27 Mar 2022 01:18:

Thank you for that Incredible post! 
clarity is the foundation of everything..
some things to start thinking about.. 
1. what brings you on this forum altogether? Doesn’t it show there’s a part of you that hates this stuff perhaps it’s just dull a bit for several reasons? 
2. constantly think about how life is once! What do you want to make of it? Is doing this stuff bringing you closer to that goal? 

I did not think I would ever be able to stop. You need to jump in and take the first step.