I want to give my full background but the short version is i am yeshivish (not super "greasy" but to keep it simple thats how i identify hashkofically) married for 16 years and have 5 wonderful kids - life is great - i have a good parnossah, learn every morning and nothing to complain about - my big issue was watching hardcore porn and i did not like my wife, sometimes felt almost a small level of hate - i recently quit porn and my life is going amazing - this feels like shannah rishonah i never really had - the passion with my wife is amazing - my wife notices a complete 180 although she is not sure why and unfortunately i cant give the full answer anytime soon. 
Longer version

I am 38 years old - i come from a very baalabitsh background (although now identify more to "the right") and at age 12 i discovered porn - a few weeks later my rebbe told me about shmiryas einayim and masturbation and how bad it qas - i felt terrible but it was too late as i became addicted.

Eventually i felt so bad i couldnt stop masturbating that i started to stop doing other mitzvas - afterall if i just did the worst sin in the world how could i go and daven 5 minutes later - i would be such a hypocrite! I went OTD and had girlfriends in HS and non shomer negiah stuff but never had relations pre marriage.
B'h I was able to develop a more mature view after i left HS and become a serious learner and tried to do mitzvos but it still killed me inside as i could not stop my addiction - at age 22 I got married to a wonderful girl who was from a similar background - she grew up baalabatish but became more  yeshivish like most of her siblings - she though never struggled with these issues and has been a good Bais Yaakov girl her whole life. I learned in kollel the first few years and now work.

After i got married and could not stop my urges i started to do bad things -not limited to masturbation- i started to chat with frum married and divorced ladies as i felt distant from my wife and that these women could relate (as opposed to goyim or single girls)- i met up a few times - b'h i never went the full way but i did things which were assur and stabbed my wife in the back- i realized how dangerous this was getting and made a vow to seriously follow all halachas about negiah and yichud etc even though i could not stop watching porn and shmeriyas einayaim - that was a bit over 10 years ago and b'h have been very careful since then to stay away from getting to close with women such as friends wives as i dont trust myself around them. Chazal are very smart in realizing that no matter how frum someone is they can slip if they are not careful and especially in this area you need many fences. Many people still dont get this concept but when you unfortunately read news about scandals, affairs of some very frum yidden you start to understand it better.

Until a few months ago i was addicted to hardcore porn - i work from a local office i rent and would sometimes watch porn for 3 hours a day.

Eventually i found GYE i never followed their program but read a letter from an ex wife and her husband sounded so much like me i felt shocked - i spent the next few days abstaining from heayy porn and it totally changed my brain - even though i could not stop masturbating at the time my mind healed - prior to that i thought i had serious issues - i have a brother who i caught several times looking at hardcore porn similiar to type i was addicted to so i thought i had genetic defect which made me prone to porn addiction

Anyway after quitting porn i reflected on my 15 years of marriage and was very sad - for many years i totally neglected my wifes needs - i would make it obvious i didnt like talking to her - and would make her feel bad anytime she needed my help - this even excludes the pain i caused by cheating which she does not know about but makes me feel horrible even today.

She caught me watching porn about 7 years ago and was devastated - i realized it was bad but she viewed it more akin to actual affair/cheating -  but despite some counselling, speaking to our rov etc i was not able to quit so just became more careful. She still has not held that against me and always wanted a good marriage.

After i quit porn i realized all the issues i thought my wife had were mostly my fault - ie every time i talked to her she would bring up stressful topics - i could not understand why the few times i actually talked to her she would make it uncomfortable - then i realized women like to test men and also i never talked to my wife so of course she was not in the best mood when i did - another example while not absolving her ands sher should for health reasons my wife gained a lot of weight - i would tell myself she is making herself ugly so its "forcing" me to look at porn - that is totally false - i had these issues for 10 YEARS before we even met - if anything she gained weight because i never spent time with her or complimented her when she tried to get dressed up so why did she need to look good in that case?

In short as i felt bad i also gained new appreciation for my wife - the weight still bothers me and i plan to address at a later date but its not a big deal - i realized now that i dont constantly check out other women or inappropriate pitcutes that my wife is pretty even if she should lose 50 (or probably more like 70-80) pounds - i have spent the past few months spending a lot of time and giving her the affection she deserves and i am not referring primarily to relations but talking, spending time, showing i care. I used to dislike spending time with my wife as she irritated me but did it ocassionally as i viewed her almsot as a nebech case. Now i really enjoy talking - its like i have a new best friend/soulmate. B'h my wife has been super receptive and has not held my past against me. 

I was even contemplating divorce recently although never mentioned that to my wife. In hindsight i was an idiot and my wife was the classic neglected wife who was at risk of an affair - i highly doubt she ever did unlike me- she has a good work environment and is super tznius, doesnt schmooze with guys - but my actions are the type which create these risks - for a while i am embarrassed to say i kinda hoped she would so i could havr grounds for divroce - i was dumb for many reasons including the fact that even if i got re-married to the most beautiful and thin woman out there i would have had same exact issues i did several months ago.

That has all changed now - I feel so happy now - my life was going good for years but i always felt very lonely as i didnt have connection to my wife (and bad for living my "secret life")- now i do and i feel very complete.


First off i want to say despite the seriousness of the sin of masturbation and porn it is NOT helpful to make people feel bad - i have spoken to other guys (both married and single) and they have same issue - i get the sense this causes many teen boys to go OTD like myself- Hashem always wants you to do teshuva - even if you slip dont skip seder 10 minutes later - the yetzer horah wants you to chuck it all - you are not a hypocrite if you do - you are trying to overcome your serious issues - this is a talk i plan to emphasis to my son as he reaches 12 soon -  its something i feel VERY strongly about 

Second if i can do it so can you! - i did horrible degusting things i would not like to discuss here - i thought i had a mental defect but my life has turned around SO quickly since i quit porn i am shocked - i also dont feel urges to watch porn - while masturbation is still something i am struggling with but b'h on huge strides, i dont miss porn - it destroyed my life for 25 YEARS - i dont feel i am missing anything or suffering by not watching (this was always a deep subconcious fear - i couldnt live with constant urges to watch so whats the point of quitting - i was very wrong while i need to constantly be on guard - halacha aside for a minute - i really dont miss it now that i see how happy i am without it) - i really wish someone had taken a positive approach (or i had myself) much earlier in my life i could have saved myself (and more importantly my wife and even children/friends/parents/siblings) a lot of suffering. I had no idea how much this was impacted my relationship with everyone as i spent so much time on my computer and if i couldnt constantly fulfill my urges i got irritated at people.

If i can help with anything let me know - you can message me anytime - i have spread a lot of filth in the world - so if i can help others by telling them what helped me i feel an obligation. And ideally if i can help improve their marriages/lives of families it would make me ecstatic.

Thanks everyone and good luck!

great stuff!
i even read most of it.
i relate to tons of it.
my suggestion (for what it's worth): don't tell her anything about past; simply say that you heard a shiur or read an article (and find those) discussing how men should value and appreciate their wives - especialy pertaining to intimacy issues (get the wording from the experts here), and it got you thinking: hey, why not me? play it down. you will be with her for another hundred years, so there's always time to spill your guts. [we're approaching our 80's, and i still say the same - except my dirty secrets aren't all in the past, sadly.]

rocks in my pocket and right hand, for the dogs here in nauru are vicious

Wow trouble, thanks for emailing this to me and getting me to come back. I have not been to great about visiting the forum for a long time. 
You are rigth I do like this post and I see so much of myself in this post with some differnces. 

My advice to the OP is do not tell your wife anything now. And perhaps not ever. You would have to really have guidance before revealiing anything and it is important to understand that telling her won't make you better. It appeases your guilt perhaps. But it won't make you less likely to act out. And it may end your marriage. Does she have a right to now? That is a question to big to answer by guys like us. 

Apart from that, it is really amazing to hear that you were able to turn things around I hope that you continue to grow. 

Thnx again trub! 

I agree i just hate keeping it secret but think its something i must do for at least the foreseeable future 

THank you both!

I will give a longer answer later hopefully.

 my initial reaction is that you probably could use a therapist to help you deal with the guilt etc. once you have a therapist you can easily tell your wife that you realized that you could be a better husband and you went to talk to someone to help you with that…It’s a clear true answer. 

As others have already mentioned do not even think about sharing any of these other details with her Unless you are advised to do so by a very competent therapist

Thanks so much I appreciate your reply - I agree I should not tell her now but curious what others have done - therapist might be good idea but honestly the guilt has been a positive also as it’s making me try extra hard to make my wife happy - only after I really thought hard about all the hurt I caused her have I really been motivated to make good - but while my main goal is my wifes happiness this has not been stressful on me (as I had initially expected)  and has made me incredibly happy as I grow closer to my wife and appreciate and love her more - so it’s been a positive upward spiral 

This is an amazing story and so impressive that were you able to make a 180 turnaround.  What I'm struggling to understand was how you were able to stop porn cold turkey  after you've been seriously addicted to it for 25 years?  can you elaborate more on your recovery?  given that you had reached rock bottom and were able to pull yourself up, I'm sure you have some much to give over to the GYE chevra here. 

I am messaging you privately RN- i am also gonna try to be on chat a lot please ping me there - i work on computer all day so can keep it open on background.

Amazing story! Please keep inspiring. Guilt is a powerful emotion. Have someone help you process it. Meanwhile keep doing what you are doing! 

Avromi wrote on 03 Feb 2022 17:30:

This is a follow up from our conversation elsewhere: it seems to me that you have stopped porn for several months and since then your marriage is turned a 180 because of somethin' special which you did, yet you do not say what that is, and yet you invite others to contact you so they could be clued into this secret. Am I missin' somethin'? Please tell; thanks.

Thank you for bravely sharing this. How did you manage to stop watching porn? What was the process like? I'm in a similar situation