Boruch Hashem, had an amazing day today. I didn't even fantasize more than a few seconds never mind masturbate. I was also in a good mood despite working harder than usual. I davened at mincha quite a bit for hatzlocha in everything. It was Purim Koton after all. Kol Haposhet Yad Nosnim Lo....

I fell last night and masturbated. It was wierd. After almost 2 days of not allowing myself to get  stimulated I wasn't even so in the mood. I was just craving it. So, despite telling myself all the pithy lines about not every arousal leading to ejaculation and how I could be like yosef hatzadik, I masturbated. Afterwards I went to maariv though, to make up for the feeling bad that i'd missed it due to laziness that had caused it to begin with. I already decided to try again shortly afterwards so i wrote today that I was clean since yesterday after the fall. I was wondering though, what is the actual definition of clean again for these purposes? Thank you  everyone for being there for me.

I got through motzi shabbos without masturbating. I'm quite proud of that. I accomplished this by staying out of the house and going to a shiur. I masturbated this morning though and I even saw about 5 minutes of porn when my mother popped downstairs for a bit. I also have little resolution so will likely masturbate again today. At least I got my highest streak in along time. B'ezras Hashem I'll get back on track. (If i can just convince myself that thats what I really want.)

Does your phone have a voice recorder? Maybe record yourself of how you feel after falling, and the verbalize the feelings and sort of make a message for your future self when a tempting situation arises? So you'll sort of be giving yourself chizuk, and you can take a vow that, so long as you remember this vow, before you m you will go and listen to the recording just once. Everyone gets terrible feelings after they fall and this is one way to use them constructively. Even though it may seem like it won't do much, you at the end of the day know yourself best and also the feelings you feel after you fall best.

Haven't posted in ages. Have spent the past weeks depressed. I went on my mother's computer a number of times. Ever since I realised that when she goes to get herself some food, she doesn't turn off her computer and that I can get away when I hear her coming without her ever noticing, I've been on a number of times. Every time I feel the urge to go on and briefly think to myself how good I would feel if I abstained and then go on. This is accompanied by regular overeating when I'm on a diet. All in all my lack of self control depresses me which makes me want to act out on every front and keeps me in bed almost till work, leaving me little time for shacharis, which depresses me even more. Hashem help.......

Hey! Thanks for updating Us! I’m sorry to hear about the recent weeks! 
This is a very normal thing that goes on with many… the more you get clear on why you want to stop the less you’ll feel tempted at times like those. The idea of falling at times when it’s accessible comes from the lack of clarity of truly knowing how we’ll feel and why we’re stopping etc.  which quickly spirals us down the drain! A good idea would be to start building your inner core! The goal is to be strong enough from within that whenever there is access you know with clarity and confidence that you don’t wanna fall. Which will eventually make this battle a breeze. Good luck. 

I know I don't want to. I just feel compulsively drawn to lust. and when i'm in that position i really do want it...

Goldfish wrote on 06 Mar 2022 22:18:

Unless there’s a strong OCD disorder, We usually become compulsive about something we’re not clear about, or about something that has pros and cons. So we enter the “uncertain mode”  “Should I?” “Should I not?” If we strengthen ourselves in advance and stress on the clarity in our mind of the cons of lust and how the pros aren’t really pros.. the less compulsive we’re gonna end up. Of course if you don’t train your mind in advance then remembering some cons and pros during such a time won’t do much. It may save you a few times yet the compulsive behavior is still there and the tiring back n forths will really tire one out. 

Goldfish wrote on 06 Mar 2022 22:18:

Check out the new self-talk program which helps with exactly these issues. 
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain-Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Bilaam Harasha to Yosef Hatzaddik wrote on 21 Feb 2022 20:58:

Incredible idea. Thank YOU! 

Would your mom be interested in getting an accountability service on her computer? You don't necessarily need to get webchaver for that, if your computer runs on windows then you can use microsoft family safety for their accountability features without having to use their filter system. 

I guess it may seem like it will be embarrassing if you ask your mom for this but if you have already told her about your struggle in general, she'll understand. I had trouble with using my mom's phone to look at p after my devices were filtered but eventually I asked her to put filters on her phone and she was fine with it. I basically told her that when someone is addicted to something, like drugs, they will stoop to such low levels like stealing from their own parents in order to get the drug, so I want to avoid doing anything like this with her device. 

I do think webchaver would be great for you if you do end up doing this, and if you didn't already know look into the link in my signature of how to get it for free through venishmartem.com. I think the KBA program will help tremendously, look into it through the link below. You should also couple it with microsoft family safety or apple screentime (depending on the type of computer you have) because they offer many more accountability features, especially microsoft family safety. Let me know if your interested in this below and I'll give you some advice to get rid of some loopholes that you're going to have to plug up to use them effectively. It's a simple process to set them up and to get rid of the loopholes also. Sorry if I’m being repetitive but this does seem like the best solution for you.

Have you ever thought about therapy?

Hi, I'm back after a 47 day media-silence. I've had many many falls and very rare purity. I don't know if I'll succeed and I have no strategy which means I'll definitely fall again, but I want to be here, to show I'm still in. I still believe that some day something could change in me and with Hashem's help I can get out of the darkness but I have no clue how. I tried getting a therapist and b'ezras hashem it will still happen but for now i haven't been successful. I don't feel hopeful because my brain is switched off from feeling anything. I just know that I'm a yid and I need to care about kedusha. Have a good shabbos.

Goldfish wrote on 06 May 2022 14:29:

that is a heck of a post!
raw honesty!

outside capelle's supermarket, nauru

Goldfish wrote on 06 May 2022 14:29:

I skimmed your posts. Wondering if there is anything in life you are passionate about at the moment?