im with same story as you and will get out of it bezh

You can't give up.

It is a challenge that we will face every day of our life.

So there is no concept of giving up, just as there is no concept of having totally won (though we must congratulate ourselves every day we are clean.)

We just take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute.

I have good news. I applied and was accepted to go to a yeshiva next zeman. I am looking forward to escape the filthy atmosphere of the store i've been working in the past few months. I can only hope and daven tht this will be the oppertunity I need to work on all areas that need fixing. I intend to sleep in the dormitory with other boys around, which will hopefully greatly help with my struggle against masturbation. I am optimistic. Boruch Hashem.

That is amazing!!! Mazel tov and much hatzlacha!

Great news!  Just make sure none of the guys are allergic to fish!

I sometimes stop and try think. I am begining to become more convinced that i am an addict. Not highly, but slight more than just obsessed. I spoke with the mashgiach of my new yeshiva, who is an expert at dealing with emotional / mental problems etc and with struggling bochurim. B'ezras Hashem we will start working together a plan how best to accomplish and succeed. However, my question is, next week, when Hashem comes down to judge this world, will He judge me negatively for allowing my passions to override me, will He judge me favorably because He knows how much I struggle or will He judge me negatively because He knows that I could've tried harder. I understand that the problem with an addiction to an issur is that emotional and spiritual issues become too strongly enmeshed, yet I don't know how to look at it. Any elucidation on this matter would be well regarded. Much appreciation,
Goldfish

Goldfish wrote on 21 Sep 2022 17:20:

Fist of all it's so good to hear that you have a good person to have an open & honest conversation with him. That's the number one proven tool for accountability and healing. 

You're asking us how Hashem will judge you? (maybe "Hashem Help Me" can reply to this  )
One thing is for sure. Hashem knows the TRUTH. he created us and all of our struggles. He knows how difficult it is and our true desires and intentions. The only thing I can suggest is the proven segulah that we should judge others favorably and Hashem will in turn judge us favorably as well. 

May we all have a כתיבה וחתימה טובה 

Goldfish wrote on 21 Sep 2022 17:20:

I can only share my perspective which has been helpful to me when I was struggling.  I regret the things I did wrong.   Those are in the past.  I am committed to putting in the effort to battle this yetzer hara in a healthy way.  I ask hashem for his help because it is clear that without hashems help I cannot overcome.   With this perspective there is no unhealthy feeling of guilt. The person I am today only wants to do good.  If I ch”v fall in the future it is not because I want to. It is because the yetzer hara overcame me.  It is not because I didn’t try hard enough. It is because I have not yet discovered the perfect balance necessary to overcome these challenges.   I am human and was created imperfect.  I will keep trying and planning as appropriate and I daven that I should be successful.  

please go into rosh hashana with the knowledge and pride that you are taking the steps to do ratzon hashem.   You can daven very hard that hashem bless you with a sweet new year but  Do not focus at all on the specific falls of the past.   Focus on your desire to connect and come close to hashem. 

The truth is that this should be viewed as an ilness more than as aveira. One who does a bad action, feeling compelled to do so, has lost control. Be kind to yourself and dedicate the yemei hadin to do teshuva for everything else. Whether it is bitul Torah, lashon hara, missing zman krias shma, lack of kibud av v'eim, laxity in hilchos Shabbos or kashrus, etc.   Iyh when you are clean for a few years and are healthy in your mindset about sexuality and about your history, then you can ask a rav how to do teshuva for all of this - and if there is a need to do real tikunei teshuva....    I forecast you will be surprised at the answer you will get then, but let's just get there b'ezras Hashem...... 

I understand that i shouldn't really dedicate my yomim noroim to repenting for something I have less control over, but it still is an aveirah. Its an unescapable fact. Otherwise I have no reason not to masturbate now on the cheshbon that Hashem anyway doesnt't care.....

Hashem does not want us to do it and cares very much. Going forward you are mechuyav to find strategies to help you improve and stop these behaviors. That is why you are here on GYE. However, being broken over past actions that were to a large degree out of your control will actually cause one to relapse chas v'shalom. Standard teshuva processes are for actions that we did with normal bechira, not for aveiros done almost b'onais. The nekudas habechira sank with each viewing of pornography and with each compulsive masturbation. If the first such action was done at age 20 or so, so yes, one would be expected to do teshuva for that. But if one's first introduction to these things was as a youngster - with no adult explanation of what is going on, too much built in shame to reach out for help, and trauma from mistakenly thinking "this is what daddy, the rabbi, and my rebbi do" - how can he be chayav to do teshuva?!

Goldfish wrote on 22 Sep 2022 20:59:

Hence the commitment to put in the effort going forward.  As a rule of thumb if thinking about it and focusing on it will make you feel down and less positive about your ongoing avodas hashem then it is not healthy for your ruchniyos and should be avoided.  

Any teshuva that you are doing should make you feel closer to hashem and enthusiastic about your opportunities.  If you feel depressed and disheartened you are traveling on the wrong path.  

Given the above it is best to focus on your positive commitment for the future.

I hear the concept but very hard to believe. How can I honestly say I want to come closer to hashem while involved in something that makes such a big spiritual distancing? I know that obsessive masturbation etc is an illness more than anything, but if i were to masturbate now it would spiritually ruin my succos. This is despite that not being the focus of my teshuvah. Why does it feel so spiritually devestating when ist a mental problem? (or have I not properly picked up what you are saying?)

Hi Goldfishy,

Reading your posts, I think that one answered the other. You wrote that you have no reason to stop only because it's an aveira. I think that answeres the question, why you can't look on it as a disease.

Just imagine you stop looking at it as a aveira, you won't have what to answer to yourself, why you should resist, and work hard in changing, and since internally you wanna stop it is just impossible to give up your line of defense. 

If I can restate the question:
How can I honestly say I want to come closer to hashem while involved in Lashon Harah that makes such a big spiritual distancing? How can I honestly say I want to come closer to hashem while involved in Bittul Toirah that makes such a big spiritual distancing?
How can I honestly say I want to come closer to hashem while involved in something that makes such a big spiritual distancing?
How can I honestly say I want to come closer to hashem while I don't spend every waking moment thinking about Hashem and his glory and that makes such a big spiritual distancing?
I think the answer may be that becoming closer to Hashem is a life's work. Nobody is perfect, and the ultimate closeness to Hashem can actually only be achieved when Moshiach comes. Our job is to do what we have to do in order to better ourselves, and even though it's not perfect, if we're giving the effort, that's what will bring us closer. Anything done B'oines (without choice; addiction and obsession fall into this category according to most Gedoilim of this generation and of previous ones) Is not something to fret over now. The job we have now is to get closer by giving sincere effort and having the desire to change.