@Avrohom, I think that your point is 100% true. It's impossible to get support unless we are real about our shortcomings.
I too benefited a lot from Brene Brown's books. I think that with these struggles, because of the stigma and shame, there is another layer. I found that in my journey, I developed a "dual identity". People with low self esteem will relate to this, there is the guy that I let people see, and the part of me that I hide out of fear that if anyone "found out" I would be unlikable/unrespectable etc. Often, the more "serious" a person is, the more pronounced this separation is. We think that we have to put on our best image in order to be "good enough".
With our struggles, be it with lust, or anything that we are afraid of others finding out, we are sure that if only they knew they would never be able to respect me. This is the furthest from the truth, everyone has flaws and most people can accept others as a package deal.
Some people cannot, that is why we have to choose wisely who we share with. There are many judgmental people out there, they do have a hard time respecting people who are flawed (which is everyone and they therefore judge everyone, including themselves. They either don't respect themselves, or live with a delusional inflated ego).
In this struggle, we can learn to ignore the "fake me" by telling ourselves "the real me learns all day, davens with a minyan, does chessed, etc.". What about all the times when I don't live up to that standard? We just lump all our struggles with the "not the real me" side. Because it's not really me, I don't have to deal with it. I just have to make sure that I push harder on the real me.
The truth is, I was actually taught this in Yeshiva, "push harder, Torah Tavlin, etc." which can be true, but not for guys like me. telling me that learning more intensely would fix my issues was like giving penicillin to someone who has allergies to it. It may work for some but can be poison for others. For me, "pushing harder" meant burying my problems even deeper. I created a "better" more serious "real me", a me that I was proud of and that I was willing to show the world, all the while ignoring the other side of me hoping that it will go away by itself. The classic Yeshivish way of pushing boys to just learn and learn and everything else will follow just didn't work for me. I did that, I learned and learned, and nothing went away.
I learned (am learning) to get comfortable with the "fake me", to realize that we are one and the same and that I can only work on those things when they are part of the me that I identify with.
Someone (Brene Brown?) once said, "The only thing to be shameful about is not asking for help when you need it".
I know that I went on a little of a off topic rant here, I just needed to get that off my chest.
Wilnevergiveup
