ive always fantasized all this stuff starting from a young age. when i got older i finally discoverd the whole story and evry thing i suppose to do to ma*****e. and from there on it never stopd. even i tryd very hardly. i spoke to my rabbis, they couldnt help me too much, once i when i was a big bochur, while having a conversation with my rebi on this, he started: oh thats very not good very not good; i right away escaped the beis medrish all teary, this was my last convo with him on this, no blames, its part of the story.
part of my problem was, i had then very a good name, witch i think it is still remaining, i was a high achiever, i got very depressed from all this.
then i married my tzedeikas, thinking\hoping things will get better, but it it turnd out to be the total opposite, now im blessed with an precious child, still didnt move any foward.
it is a similar story to many others
my lack of communicating and creating friendships saved my life.
i started seeking out for help, i sat in the chair of tow people who are specializing in these matter, and b"h i made little progress, with some different techniques that i got.
thanks to hashem i love learning mussar and chasidis, while the years went threw, i was able to gain a lots of chisidis and hashkofa in these subject, like in many others, but the light at the and of the tunnel i never saw with my eyes till these days, that i that i got connected to this holy chabura kedoisha.
and a special thanks to all the wonderful people here so welcoming me so nicely. and giving so much chizik and strength.
im full of hope to share with you my good news soon!!!