I call this post Consequences..

There are currently two paths in front of me..

I can choose not to follow my desires which are quite literally burning at times. I can choose right now to stay clean.. I am at the point where am so close to giving in.. The YH has a great technique where he convinces you that you have fallen before you even fall. Such a dangerous yet effective technique. The key for me is to pause at these moments and realise you are not in the murky downward spiralling world you think you are in. The air is still clear and fresh.. The Challah's smell good.. clothes are clean.. Shabbos is coming. I have the choice right now to not give in. To conciously not act in a negative way. Then I can spend shabbos the way i should. 

Connected to myself
connected to my family
connected to Hashem.. 

When i am connected I can close my eyes... i can imagine myself walking through the beautiful old city on the way to the Kosel, touching each of those holy steps as i go.. taking in the emotions of Yerushalayim.. taking in the feelings of being so close to the Ribbono Shel Olam.. I get closer.. my heart is beating faster, I am walking past Yeshivas Hakotel now.. its not far off.. down the cobbly steps i go.. past the pizza places.. i can see some steps in front of me.. I am almost there. down the steps i start.. Whats more i am walking with my son.. its his first time here.. he's asking so many questions.. He wants to daven with me at the Kosel.. he is so excited.. he's so pure.. he's only 9, his Yiddishkeite is a thing of beauty, so pure, so clear.. we walk down the steps together.. and finally there it is, revealed in all its glory.. its magnificence, its pure Kedushah manifesting in this world. We walk across the sun drenched plaza.. The sun is setting, Shabbos is coming.. Its time to Daven Mincha.. I take my sons hand and we walk together. We reach the stones, touch them and feel the Kedusha. My heart opens and I cry, and cry some more. I can't get the words out, all i can do is cry. But these are not tears of pain, they are tears of Tefillah, tears of hope, tears of connection. My sons eyes are closed too.. he is davening only a way a 9 year old can, its so beautiful to behold.. The connection is so strong.. Hashem I love you.. thank you for this moment.. thank you for giving me this opportunity. Hashem I love you. Shabbos slowly comes in and envelopes us in its warmth... We finish Davening and we head home, the house is warm, the smell is beautiful.. guests are coming.. Shabbos is here.

Or i can build myself an alternative reality. 

(Close the Aron Hakodesh)

the feeling of:

Why did i do it again
How could i give in..
I feel so disconnected from everyone and everything
I let myself down.. 
I'm never getting out of this...
I Wish Shabbos would be over already.. I can't take the spirituality right now..
I can't stand davening..
Feeling completely numb

The world is black.. the world is bare.. I am all alone in some fake reality where all i care about is my next fix.. all i care about is me.. My son is desperate for me to go with him to shul..  My Wife is wondering whats happened to me, why am i rude and so self absorbed. I refuse to change, I am stubborn, all i want is myself, my own desires.. nothing else matters. I can't let my family into this reality.. I am all by myself.. I am alone...  I don't need to go to Gehinom..  i am already there..

But... (Open the Aron Hakodesh again)..

It doesn't have to be this way.. I can choose a clear path.. I can choose to be a kasher yid. I can choose to be Shomer Habris.

IyH I will enter shabbos clean 
IyH I will enter shabbos pure
IyH I will enter shabbos without spilling what is pure
IyH I will enter shabbos without looking at what is not pure
IyH I will enter shabbos without having acted out
IyH I will enter shabbos greeting the Malachei Hashareis and they will greet me back
IyH I will enter shabbos hugging my kids and feeling grateful and connected
IyH I will look my wife in the eye, with my pure eyes connecting and feeling so blessed
IyH I will enter shabbos.. and shabbos will enter me

The two paths are crystal clear in my mind..

Tonight is day 40 for me.. this week has been particularly hard especially given the hot weather.. I have some war scars from the week where i had weaker moments.. but I am still clean, still standing even though i have been so close to a fall..

This is now purely up to me.. 

May we all be Zocher to stand before the Ribono Shel Olam in Yerushalayim Ir Hakodesh very soon.. may Shabbos Nachamu bring us all
some relief from this challenge

Wishing this Holy and Special Olam, full of tremendous Tzaddikim Elyonim a wonderful shabbos

What a beautiful post! It really resonates with me!
May Hashem help you, me, and all of clal Yisroel!

Amazing visualization and positioning! Great writing! Be strong!!!

As we are on the cusp of another Rosh Hashanah I cannot help but reflect back on the year. What a crazy time it has been, what a rollercoaster ride. I look back with a mixture of pride and frustration. BH its fair to say there were more successes then failures but there is so much more work to do. When I ask myself honestly what is it that has helped me most this year, it is clear that having a partner has been a gamechanger for me. I feel a different person, even last night I felt a sudden urge. Being able to let someone else know I was in a challenging moment released the overwhelming feeling of the urge and BH it abated. This whole inyan is built around being hidden within oneself. The vicious cycle of temptation/failure followed by internal shame and disappointment makes it harder to break the cycle as time goes on.. The need to keep this hidden becomes even greater.. hidden from your family and everyone around you.

BH it doesn't need to be this way though. GYE have provided an outlet, a way for us to navigate through this challenge, to make it to the other side!
GYE provides a connection for those like me struggling with this Inyan, a true life belt in a stormy sea. The key is to stay connected - stay plugged in. Maybe that's why we need to daven 3 times a day.. staying connected to Him morning, noon and night helps us stay on track.. 

Hashem should bless GYE and all the wonderful people involved and especially the partners who give up their time for no other reason then to help other yidden - it is truly an osek B'tzibbur.. What's more is there is no big plaque on a wall.. no Kavod, no-one else knows.. Its really a chesed shel emes. Last week my partner called me just to congratulate me on 70 days.. I cannot tell you how i felt after the call. 

Wishing this Chashuv Olam a shana Tova, May Hashem help and guide us all to be free of this once and for all. So we can connect with Him in the way we want too. Lets stay by the kosel and never leave.. Hashem should be with us wherever we are, we should never push Him away. We should stay connected to our families, our friends and most importantly to ourselves. 

Kesiva V'chatima Tova and have a wonderful Shabbos!

taherlibeinu wrote on 12 Aug 2022 11:57:

Wow. Just wow. I’m a late BT (I was 53 when I started on this path). The way you laid this out…the 2 paths. It’s total emes and literally poetry. I have never been to Israel yet (hoping to go this year) and I was so with you that I was imagining that I was your 9 year old son and you were taking my hand and walking with me to the kosel. Never mind that I am old enough to be your father! I am blown away. Today is 2 weeks for me and it is a tough day…this post lifted me away from my desire. This post made me want to choose the path that leads to the connected Shabbos. Thank you so much for your beautiful insights. You are truly inspirational. Wishing you total and complete success. I am certainly pulling for you!!!

This post also made me cry.... 
There is so much beauty in holiness that it makes me cry. I actually have a 10 y/o son and seeing him pray intently breaks my whole façade down. 
I am fairly positive that a person that has never been addicted to these things that reads this post would not understand the beauty. 
Only people like us that are always on the verge of desire, we can learn ow to use that desire for Hashem like it was meant to be used. And then we are taken to highs' unimaginable by others. Im not making this up, im 100% sure of it. Ive spoken to regular folks who are erlich yiden but they laugh when i tell them that sometime by Krias Shma i just want to cease exiting and just want to go up and up. They dont belive me because they have no idea what desire means! They dont know that there is nothing higher then desire and pleasure when used for Hashem!!! 

Anyway ive rambled enough. 
I Love you Hashem!

I write this post with much pain and tears. 

I look back to where i was just over a month ago. I reached 90 days on erev yom Kippur.. I had immense pride over my achievement. I was so happy. The past year was one of immense growth. 60 days, 50 days, 50 more and then I finally made it to 90. It took me the entire year to achieve this goal. In my head i was so sure that i was seeing the back of this. So sure that i was moving forward. I was actually ill in bed on day 90 but i was so happy, nothing could take away the simcha i felt on that day. Little did i realise what was to follow. 

One of the biggest helps for me is the lack of internet connectivity available in my house, we are like an 80's household and i love it. However we recently moved into my parents home and will probably be there till Pesach. I went from having zero access to multiple machines/tv's being available. For an addict this is like an alcoholic living in a brewery. I started off really well and for the first month being Elul/RH/YK made it easier, everything was fine. I had promised myself not to use any of the devices and this seemed to be working well. Then Chol Hamoed Succos came and i fell on my 100th day clean. It was a complete fall. I reached out to my partner and let him know to keep the accountability. Since then I have fallen three times further, the most recent being last night. Watching things that both disgust and repel me, toivelling myself in a mikvah of tumah. I have struggled with anxiety recently (This is nothing new for me and is no excuse) and this hasn't helped as in those moments i view these things as a way to alleviate pain but the truth is it only compounds it. Whether or not one turns to pornography and MZL because they are in pain or giving into a strong urge the end result is the same. 

How can i move forward now, I feel stuck for this period of time. But a yid is never stuck, there are always options. A few days ago i reached out to my partner (May Hashem bless him) and he discussed the idea of going against ones nature and asking Hashem to do the same. So here goes..

Hashem I don't feel like i can commit to anything right now, I feel so low and the burden of what I have done is weighing on me. All the promises i haven't kept and all the times i have let You down including only a few hours ago. We both know what i did and there is no excuse. I can't even promise that i will be clean this time next week or even tomorrow. However, to try and stop if i can bring a zechus to someone else is something I want to do or at least try. So how about this, for the next 30 days I will commit to try my utmost to be clean and post on this site each day (where its safe to use a computer to do so) even if its just a number. In return all i ask is that any zechus of this acheivement be passed on to three people. I know of a close relative going through difficult fertility issues, desperate to have a child. I also have a cousin who is an older single looking to get married and I have a very close friend whose wife is ill.

Please Hashem accept this partnership I understand this doesn't mean a Yeshua will be granted but whatever can be done to help them from my holding back please do. Please also grant me the Siyaata Dishmaya that i need to get through this period. I am in a time of heightened test and pain, i need extra help, it can only come from You. Please Hashem Shema B'Koli. 

Wishing this Chashuv and special Olam a wonderful shabbos

3 days.. 72 hours of kedusha.. 

May Hashem answer ALL of yout tefilos tzaddik. Incredible post.

4 days and now over 100 hours of kedusha V'Tahara. I'll never stop trying.. as long as Hashem grants me life i will try to overcome this. 

You got this my friend! Keep on shteighing, I'm proud of your message and very inspirational. I'm a yid and I got chizuk from reading it. You are doing great, in honesty, I would want to connect and speak with you. You're a couragous leader and should continue spreading further in kedusha and tahorah! (my username was just to be kept anonymous, don't be alarmed)

taherlibeinu wrote on 18 Nov 2022 10:19:

This is one of those post that made me cry.  May Hashem grant you much hazlacha to be successful in overcoming your challenges. 

taherlibeinu wrote on 18 Nov 2022 10:19:

You are amazing. I wish you hatzlacha beyond your wildest expectations. Thank you for sharing that…may Hashem answer you with resounding success.  

I love the courage and I love the emphasis on calling out to Hashem when in need!

Just talking it out with G-d can be so relieving and so helpful, even if it's for a few minutes. It's a powerful tool that we have, and a lot of people unfortunately don't utilize it.

You mentioned about finding an old phone laying around. I have had a similar experience before. You know, there is a good chance that if one goes to certain lengths they can run after their urges if they want to. Old phones laying around, loopholes in the filter etc. What I find amazing about GYE is that it gives you the tools to deal with the urge rather than running away from it. Having filters is super important and absolutely necessary. However, GYE gives you the tools to work smarter and not harder, so that when an opportunity to fall does arise, you are able to deal with it head on.

Good luck on your journey!

Hey what does this mean, I know the song, but what is the translation of the tyche of it of v'al k'en... I want to understand it  thanks.