Really hard last few days. BH still hangin in there. 
Hopefully will get better soon!

gettingthere9 wrote on 01 Oct 2021 01:20:

Urges are normal, they are part of being a healthy and functional human being. They will pass eventually, the less you stress about them the quicker it takes. I find that distracting myself is the best way to not stress about them, some people use "urge surfing" I've tried that too and it can also work if I am in the right frame of mind. 


This is a difficult statement to live with. It may be better to say something like, tomorrow I will do "x" "y" and "z" so that this doesn't happen again. 

It's normal to have hard days or even weeks so when they come along, have a plan prepared. A hobby, some exercise, a good bike ride, or a good Tosafos, whatever works for you. 

Keep it up bro!

The problem is that sometimes it's really my fault...
Here's a story from today, in the morning there was someone dressed in a very provocative way and she was really triggering to me. I was driving somewhere and had to pass by her house where she was waiting with her kids for the bus or something. I could have turned around and gone out of my way like a real tzaddik, but hey... Her house is the corner house and I needed to turn at that corner, which I should have done... instead I turned out of my way to pass by her directly, to be able to stare at her for a few moments longer (how slow could I drive...).
EWWW... Ya thinking about it now doesn't sound very appetizing, kind of sick and gross.
BUT... on the positive side, on the way back home I had a fight with myself weather or not to go that way.
I said that I am getting myself into trouble. He said that it feels so good. I said that it isn't good, and I am going to be in big trouble if I go down that road (no pun intended...). He said that you are missing out and you neeeed to go just to feel that pleasure. I looked in the mirror (figurative one) and said really? do I really need it? What's going to happen to me if lets say I go that way and she isn't even there anymore?  Am I going to fall apart? I'm actually probably gonna be relieved. So why not skip it entirely and not put myself into the situation a second time. 
Then the clincher was when I thought, if I give in and lets say she is gone, I just lost a battle and I didn't even get any enjoyment out of it. But if I go the other way, even if she isn't outside anymore I still get schar as if she was there cuz I already committed to avoid her house!

Cute little story but you still got to move past it and realize that there are times that we make mistakes, and do things that we don't really want to. 

What's the plan for next time? Distraction? Putting on a shiur? Think of something that you can do for next time. Don't mope about the past, Make changes for the future. If you can use that as a way to better understand yourself and make a better plan, it actually becomes part of your recovery. 

wilnevergiveup wrote on 04 Oct 2021 06:10:

I'm not moping. I have moved past it. It was just an example. 
Also I think I misuse the word urge...
I think I just mean that I simply want the pleasure really badly.
I think I need to revamp my plan though like you wrote. 
What am I going to do in the future when I end up in such a spot??
Distractions don't work so much for me cuz I can't learn then cuz my brain is fried but I need a mental distraction not a physical one... maybe music or something...
I am not sure if I have an answer yet but I'm open to suggestions...

Today I had a scary slip. Scary part was that the whole time I 'knew' that I would never end up doing it and that's how I excused myself going so far...
I won some battles and pushed it off a few times until I said OK enough is enough, what on earth are you doing to yourself?? You gotta stop!!
I then realized that there was only like an hour left till my wife was coming home and then I will be fine. So I committed that if I touch or do anything serious, I will tell her when she comes home. Bh that worked. ( I also tried to call a few people to shmooz with but they didn't answer...)

SO... plan... plan... plan...

All help is welcome. (practical, not literature please.)

1) Post 90 day goal that's short and sweet. One day at a time. (sometimes one hour at a time)
2) Plan for bein hazmaim. The rest of this one, and the next one....
Really I have plenty of stuff to do... I think I'm just too lazy and want to chill during my vacation... I think I need to prioritize better. (suggestions welcome) 
3) When I end up in a sticky situation, before it spirals out of control, I need to have a plan. Perhaps to have someone on speed dial to call or text. (suggestions welcome)

I also thought "i wouldn't do that" and that little unclosed loophole eventually was the cause of my most recent fall. 

If you know of (even if it seems to be irrelevant loophole for the time being) a way it's possible to use or act out..don't wait till it's too late at which point you may just give in. 

Is there any way to block those websites or however you managed to start slipping up

Zedj wrote on 04 Oct 2021 19:38:

No loopholes today. All in the head today... lots of storage there...

Hi i relate to everything you are writing, it is so hard and your story yesterday, it makes you feel stupid.....

I felt the same way a lot. and decided that all the talk and Kabbloss don't work, I need to do something major. SA or therapy I then found SMART.

Let me ask you, you always wanted to stop and it didn't work, why should it work now, because you want, you wanted yesterday too.
there is a saying, WHO IS STUPID SOMEONE WHO DOES THE SAME THING AND EXPECTS DIFFERENT RESULTS
.
so if you want things to change there is no quick fixes, unless you do it right.

I don't want to upset you, i want to help you, because i could relate to every word you are saying. read my posts at TAKING OFF MY MASK.

I went trough your thread and its amazing, but i thing that it need tools. And part of it would be what you wrote to find where your weaknesses are, and make sure you have a plan for that.


wishing you all the best.

HI

I didn't stress enough that you are a real inspiration for me, your thread really inspired me. i was just trying to say a point that could help.

I really feel your pain.


​Wishing you a lot of success 

No Mask wrote on 04 Oct 2021 20:17:

I just want to say two points.
1) The difference between 'yesterday' and 'today' can very well be in how much we want to change, or more accurately, how much we realize we want or need to change. That's what 'hitting rock bottom' means basically. We know. We care. Most of the time we just don't think enough. 
2)I am not doing the same thing as before I joined GYE. Why do you think that I am?
Now I have real people that understand me to talk to. Now I have accountability. Now I have learned how to deal with my thoughts (The trick is to actually DO it consistently). I have learned that I was always white knuckling before, and now I am not. I learned that if I think about it all day, it just makes it worse. Guilt is only good if it helps you build and grow, otherwise it is poison.


I'm not sure what 'doing it right' means. If you would have asked me a week ago I would have told you I was doing everything right and I had this in my back pocket. Now that I am going through a rough time, does that mean I was or am doing something wrong? BH I have been clean for over 4 months now (and I'm not white knuckling)...


Yes thanx. No worries! I did read your forum. I relate a lot to what you wrote and funny I used to also be scared to shake Gedolim's hands too...


Tools... Weaknesses... I have a weakness around the female species...

Unless I move to a cave I'm probably gonna bump into them from time to time.
I Know that bein hazmanim, when I'm home and kind of bored, and my wife is at work, is an issue. Thing is, today I had a whole list of things that I was supposed to do and not be bored... Just didn't happen. I need to find something that I want to do that is going to happen practically. I think I also need a little more accountability. Perhaps I need to commit to text a partner when I'm going through something. Before and during. Not just after.


Again thank you. I am trying to figure myself out right now. No hard feelings. 

No Mask wrote on 04 Oct 2021 20:17:

Just saying, unless you are really stuck (with or without using the word "addict") doing something "really big" will do more harm than good. They say it's like giving chemo for a cold, way too much information. 

I get the feeling of wanting to blow up this up until there is nothing left but that's not always the best idea. If you want to do something powerful, pick up the phone and call a GYE friend or mentor. If you've done that already and keep it up, then wait patiently, put in the work and if things don't progress over time (a few months) then you can start exploring other options. You have to have patience, you wont overcome in one week what you spent years and years building up. 

Therapy is another thing to consider probably before SA, but that is debatable. 

Wilnevergiveup 

gettingthere9 wrote on 05 Oct 2021 01:42:

You are a hundred percent right, you are by far not at the same place. And one of the main things to know is that you are allowed to have a hard day. 

keep it up, and sorry for my reaction.

Just spoke to HashemHelpMe to get some hadracha. 
Thank you so much for setting me straight!

gettingthere9 wrote on 06 Oct 2021 01:40:

HHM is the best