OK so here is part 2...
​What reaching 90 days Doesn't mean
It doesn't mean that I am cured.
It doesn't mean that I wont have urges.
In fact I actually think that its just a number and its not like you graduate collage or something...
It doesn't mean that I can let my guard down.
No... I cant let my guard down. I have already tasted the acrid taste of not being careful. (BH caught myself before I did anything I would regret, but I let my mind go way too far...)
Just to use the classic 9th grade rebbi mashel... it's (Really all of life is...) like climbing up a downward escalator. as long as you are climbing you will eventually slowly reach the top. But if you start spacing out or take a break you will automatically start going downwards.

I like to think of it like a diabetic, never cured but with the proper care can be maintained and live a mostly normal life. 

I think the best moshel I have heard so far is like a peanut allergy.

​(unlike a different moshel i used in the past...) 

In other news I had a pretty yuchy slip today and I texted someone right after to simply put it into words what I just did as well as some accountability...

By yuchy I don't necessarily mean that it was so bad per se, rather that it should have been so beneath me to have gotten myself into that situation.

Its one thing to play with fire, its another thing to run after the fire truck looking for fires to play with...

And lets not forget that its a week before Rosh Hashana...

 

I am not doing this for me, after all who am I? and what am I really worth? This world is just an illusion.
I am doing this for Hashem.
'I' am only what I make of myself. 'I' don't really exist. 
I am doing this because I want to come closer to Hashem in the right way. Not because I know it's the right thing, rather because I wish to build a relationship with him.
I cry not out of fear rather out of pain and anguish at how low I am and where I should and could be. 
I cry because I yearn that special relationship with him and I look up to him and say, not 'I'm sorry' but 'wow' what am I doing here?
Why am I doing the things that I know oppose to everything I really want? And that really makes me feel good inside because I know that Hashem is looking down at me and smiling and saying, well if he is crying and he really wants it so badly, how can I not help him and then Hashem puts his hand out and holds my hand. And the knowledge that Hashem is holding my hand and is with me every step of the way gives me the strength to move forward and march ahead in this battle.

Sorry... I know that was a little deep...
I'm not sure myself if I understand everything I wrote...
But anyways either I feel that way...
Or I hope to feel that way...

Day 100!!!!!!!!
Na Na Na Na Na THANK YOU HASHEM!!!

gettingthere9 wrote on 05 Sep 2021 19:28:

ונאמר אומן

Wow !!!
Beautifully written. That was your neshomo talking this is what he wants to reunite and connect with who he really is we are a CHELEK ELOKEI MAMESH and this is  what he wants he is not looking for his existings he just wants to be one with hashem and sin is mafsik.
and the truth is that this what hasham wants from us. Hashem is not in the boot camp business he wants to be close to us, and the onshim are to clean out the infection.

May we all be zocha to a KESUVAH VECHASUMAH TOVA.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR DAY 1oo!!!! WOW

מזל טוב!!!!

Sorry I dont know how to type in Hebrew
Aino domeh mayah pe'amim l'meyah pe'amim v'achas!

So... to make a really short story long...
Before Rosh Hashana I got an email that had a slightly triggering video ( perhaps specifically triggering to me) and I was toying with it, first saying no then eventually clicked on it... then paused it and exited then went back then said no... eventually I did exit it etc......
Anyways during davening on Rosh Hashana guess what kept on popping into my head the whole day...
Although it wasn't so bad... and technically to a great extent I won a lot over the YH...
Just really sad that I really could have not looked and wouldn't have had that in my head all day...
Anyways today I got the same email again and I was like K I really want to watch that... To make a long story short on my phone I can't open any links, so BH I couldn't!! I did try anyways... (Thank god for filters and blocks)
And then I texted my wife and asked her to make sure it got deleted before I got home to the computer. BIG WIN.
When I was in the moment it would have taken superhuman strength to overcome... Thank god for filters, I was able to get levelheaded to be able to deal with it for later.

Last year I saw a beautiful vort from Rav Moshe Feinstien.
I actually read it wrong... but either way its a good vort.
He asks why do we start Yom kippur with Kol Nidrei, nullifying our Nedarim?
​What significance does that have to Kaparah or Teshuvah?
He answers that when we start trying to do teshuva and being 'better' our first reaction is to make promises. To make Kabalos. We start Yom Kippur removing all of those promises and Kabalos to show that this is not the way we do it. They don't work. Remember last year you made all those Kabalos? Nu... now you have to do kol nidrei to remove them cuz they didn't do anything. 
The proper way to do Teshuva is by going to the Chachamim and getting daas torah about how to come back. (and GYE definately is daas torah)
Not exactly how he says it but based on his words...
Gmar Chasima Tovah!

May Hashem take all of our collective mesiras nefesh and efforts, our tears and our hopes, our struggles and our goals, and give us a complete selichah mechilah and kaparah! 
Gmar Chasima Tova!

125 days later...
I'm cured.
BH all my struggles are gone.
I don't fantasize anymore.
I can go to shul on Simchas Torah when all the women are dressed up and there's no Mechitza and I don't even notice them.
Cuz I'm cured.
Reminds me of the old days when I used to stare at the girls...
Today I only looked at Hashem and the Torah and didn't notice the person that my wife was shmoozing with and what she was wearing and how short her skirt was... and the other women watching us so intently. No I didn't notice, cuz I'm cured.
Or the person walking home from shul in front of me that was dressed to the tee, didn't notice...
​But in all seriousness, I am in a better place, a much better place. I didn't stare that much and although I am still human and did notice and I did look, at least I gave it my best and BH did very well for myself. I was able to have a true simchas hatorah and danced my heart out (and cry a bit) and gave true kavod hatorah without lust preoccupying my mind.
Thank You Hashem! 

Been having lots of urges today and wasn't so careful with my eyes.
Today wasn't how it is supposed to be. I need to be more careful and not lose sight of the ultimate goal, which is my life. long term. not the chart.
To grow higher and become a different and better person.