BH,

Today is my first day on GYE. It's still Shabbat here, but my addiction has gotten to the point where I can't even relax on the day of rest anymore. I needed to draw a line, and I'm starting now so that I don't put it off for another second. I'm a liberal Jew, so I'm not as observant as I probably should be (though I love to learn from those who are! Any and all insight and advice is welcome and much appreciated, and I'm aware-- from what I've seen-- this is a majorly observant community), but I'm desperate for help. I've talked with my spouse, who has been aware of my obsession and still loves me unconditionally, but I want to get better more than anything.

I want to save my relationship before this does any further damage. I can't imagine my family finding out. It would crush me. And, of course, I don't want to do any further damage in the eyes of Hashem. I want to repair everything-- overcome this obsession, feel secure in my marriage, and be holy. This is my first step. It feels better knowing there's some level of community. Sorry if I don't talk or reply much, I'm very anxious about this and not a very social person.

BH, thank you to anyone who read this far.

hiddenrose wrote on 02 May 2021 01:59:

Welcome. Please give a little more history to the addiction itself. You say you are addicted? If that's the case, the path for an addict is usually clear.

Hakolhevel wrote on 02 May 2021 02:21:

I sincerely don't know how it started. Nothing unusually stressful has happened lately. My job is very stressful and I have a lot on my plate, but this seemed out of the blue (B'H no deaths in the family, job is stable, family is healthy... no major event to indicate a trigger, and nothing stressful that I'm not already used to). Roughly around the beginning of this year I went from having complete control over my mind and my sex life to being addicted to porn and masturbation. From never, to a couple times a month, to once a week, to a couple times a week, and then daily, and now anywhere from daily to a couple of times a day. It's obscene and taking control of my life. Even when I set up boundaries, and promised myself over and over I would stop, I couldn't. I literally wouldn't be able to sleep. I couldn't relax. Like I said, I can't even relax on Shabbat anymore. I hate to admit it, but if there's no trigger, then... maybe I just snapped?

I've talked to my spouse about it in depth. She's been incredibly understanding, more than I could ever ask for. She's helped me put up filters, checks on me frequently, and has made it clear she's simply worried for me, but doesn't plan on jumping ship anytime soon. We have a healthy and happy relationship, and I don't want to ruin that.

I don't want to ruin my relationships, and I truly strive to be holy. I really cringe admitting out loud to strangers how bad this as gotten, but I guess the first step is admitting it's a problem. I want nothing more than to be better.

Welcome!
Yes the first step is to admit; and you sure did! 
That must have taken a lot of courage writing all that here.
Stick around, read other posts, see what worked for others.
You may want to read the GYE handbook, it's really amazing!

Good luck!
Keep us posted.

HappyYid wrote on 02 May 2021 04:08:

Thank you! I'll definitely look over this handbook, it seems like a great resource. Another user DM'd me and informed me about a well known user named Dov, and from looking around the forums I've learned a bit about [redacted-- got the wrong name, don't want to confuse people] other users with long streaks and lots of good advice, all seem well liked and very inspiring. I'll aim to follow in their footsteps. I appreciate the warm welcome and help.

Good luck to everyone else as well, and take care!

hiddenrose wrote on 02 May 2021 01:59:

Hi! Welcome to the club!

Coming on here and sharing is already a great leap forward to recovery.

some of the greatest guys on earth are here.
I suggest to read, post updates and stay connected as much as possible.

Hashem would not give us a challenge that we cannot overcome. Being so, you have the strength to come out on top.

There is a difference between an addict and bad habit. In either case this is a great first step to become clean.

Some tips that helped me was 
#1-one day at a time/one urge at a time
#2-an urge is just an urge..it ain't gonna kill you
​#3-made a pro vs con list of negative/positives of acting out

Have the filters been working? If not how do you get access?  

Zedj wrote on 02 May 2021 05:51:

When I first started having issues, I didn't tell anyone and they weren't "filters" so much as really simple speed bumps, (phone alarm "reminders" to stop, etc) and that's why they didn't work. Something I forgot to mention is that my wife and I are long-distance while she finishes getting her degree (don't wanna give too much detail for the sake of keeping anonymity). She's currently on the opposite end of the country, and we live in a rather big country, so it makes it very difficult to see each other. We've seen each other twice since the pandemic started, and she's visiting again soon, but it's only made the habit all the more difficult.

She's not around to see how bad it's gotten in person, but after I came fully clean, she understood. I now have the GYE app on my phone to use the "emergency off" , "inspiration", etc buttons, the forums, and other GYE features when I urgently need them.

I also use the Stay Focused android app, which is free for its most essential features. It blocks all of the websites I was using, and I've limited myself to only be allowed to use my web browser for 30 minutes/day, and only after I've spent 30 minutes/day on Duolingo (productive distraction) **and** GYE. It also lets you write a personalized motivational message for you to read every time you try to open an app/website you've blocked or limited.

Finally, I also downloaded the Headspace app. It's meant for helping people with meditation and is famous for guiding people with self-harm issues, but can be used to guide yourself away from any self-destructive behavior.

I also looked up a few guides on battling this sort of addiction, and while many of these articles are overwhelmingly Christian, I did find one with some surprisingly good general advice: When you find yourself battling an urge, "HALT", and ask yourself: Are you Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired (HALT)? If so, tackle your specific need, rather than submitting to the urge as an outlet. I use this daily now.

I downloaded all of the apps last night, and while only one of them is an actual "filter", I've found it to be surprisingly productive-- today is my first day clean. I almost slipped, but the filter, GYE resources, and Headspace app were seriously helpful. I'm on my way to make my first diary entry on my path to 90 days. I really, really hope to keep this up.

Edit: Woof, sorry for such a lengthy post. All of these resources helped me a lot, so I just wanted to explain in detail. I also noticed the GYE app has it's own recommended filters. I'm happy with mine as long as they work, but if I get too close to slipping or falling, I'll definitely give them a look. Im also all ears for any other recommendations or ideas; not just filters, but tools like the "HALT" advice, etc.

Don't worry about long posts! Say what you need (or want/don't need ) to say!

Regarding your current setup thats very impressive! Only thing I have to say is that it will likely only work if you have a ton of motivation to really overcome this because an app like stay focused (i previously used it but then switched to app block but essentially the same) can be circumvented fairly easily as opposed to stronger filters so you need to have a lot of motivation to not "test the filter" or anything else that can lead to a fall.

That being said it is certainly a viable method I can attest to it but again you really gotta be motivated no cutting corners

wishing you best of luck!