I’d like to share about myself and years of the on and off struggling. Hopefully this will help me and I’m sure also others who can relate.
I’m not such a story teller, and I’m definitely not a good English writer, but it still will probably come out more detailed and more accurate if I write in third person.
Of course all comments and chizuk or criticism etc are very welcome and encouraging.
So here goes.
Part 1: Elementary school years
Little Yankel was a boy just like all other little boys, actually an exceptionally good boy who excelled in his elementary school, loved by all his rabbe’im, and from a beautiful family.
One of Yankel’s earliest memories is his haschalas Chumash (in primary) where he was chosen to be the ‘rebbi’ for all his other classmates, standing by the very short shtender which the teacher had for this, saying “vos lernt min rabboisai...”, as his parents and grandparents looked on with such nachas.
Yankel continued like this through school years, loving his learning, loving his rabbe’im, asking and answering the geshmake questions during class, getting over 100 on all his tests, being involved in extra learning both at home and in school, etc etc. (some times getting in trouble for not being respectful to the English teachers, typical for such a boy)
However, together with Yankel’s vibrance for learning and love for it, together with his gebentched kishronos and personality, along came an extra strong burning taiva, the start of a life long private fight.
Already at age ten or eleven he was drawn to listen to any conversation which the popular boys were having about what the word sex means. Yankel would get a hold of dictionaries and encyclopaedias, checking out any words to do with the topic, would read through the ‘reproduction’ parts of encyclopaedia to read about the female organs etc etc, looking though clean pregnancy books found under the sink cabinet if his parents bedroom hoping to find some paragraph or drawing of a drop of the female private spots.
Yankel’s father, a very choshov Youngerman, realised right away all this, and had that ‘conversation’ with yankel already at age 11 or 12, saying how hashem created men and women, that a husband and wife have sex (saying clearly exactly what that means, that the eiver gets excited and hard, ready to go into the female etc) and the female egg ovulates etc and that’s how the world populates, etc. He told Yankel that it’s our lifelong struggle to only have this (kishui eiver and letting out zera) for our wives after marriage, and that it’s no easy task, and that only By Yaakov avinu it is said ראשית אוני showing that all of us struggle and strive to be like Yaakov avinu, but we shouldn’t be down if we can’t always win.
Yankels Father added the detail of Yosef hatzadiks nisayon, explaining that he was able to win by seeing the demus of his father Yaakov. Out of humility, yankels father told yankel ‘my demus may not be holy enough, so if a strong taiva comes think if the demus of MY father - zeidy!’
Very soon yankel was trying out all of the above, making his eiver hard letting out the zera in all sorts of intresting ways, sitting in the bathroom for hours. This was all at age twelve or earlier. (It’s unclear if the fathers conversation gave any ‘ideas’ and started him off earlier, which may be th case, but either way he had already had this extra interest in anything to do with sex before the convo, so lichora he would’ve started all that stuff very soon).
This strong taiva would get stronger by the day, shabbos afternoons after reading or learning, he would fantasise about his his older sisters friends for hours touching his ever. Although yankel shared a room with his brother, it did not stop him from trying out all sorts of stuff with his eiver under his covers all the time, letting out zera in all different ways.
He knew this was all bad and already at that age he would read an English Sefer obout kedusha topics, to try to help him learn about the severity of the sin and the maalohs of Shmiras Einayim and of overcoming the taiva etc. Obviously this didn’t help for too long.
Being that yankel was the bright good boy of his class, along with his extra taiva, he was the go to boy if anyone wanted to know exactly what it says in this and this Sefer about zera or bi’ah or anything of the like. He had all the info clear in his mind.
Already before bar mitzvah, he had some crazy stories. There was an incident where he pulled down a neighbour young girl’s underwear for a sec (getting called over later by yankels mother trying to figure out if and what happened). the same happened with a young sister. He even recalls pulling down a younger brothers underwear, putting his hard eiver against the buttocks, then pleading with the little boy not to tell tatty and mommy.
Again, his good parents were well (or at least somewhat) aware of the matzav and quickly reached out to professionals. They were told to take him to a top sycologyst in Manhattan. Now, Being that yankel was from a large family with many young children, and old time simple kollel parents, it was a big deal that he went himself just him and his two parents, like every week, to the city and back, sometimes eating lunch at a seemingly fancy restaurant (on Yankel’s standards) and sometimes going in a rented car (as the old family car must’ve not been capable of the smooth drive there and back). The parents also knew that it was an uncomfortable thing they were telling their son to do, so they made it extra nice each time. (The rest of the siblings did get jealous thinking yankels having the time of his life going on few hour trips just him with both parents, and Yankel’s parents had to do something nice for them as well which they lovingly did!)
So this top older known doc (not living anymore), met Yankel’s parents and then yankel privately, and explained to him how boys look at females as objects and was trying to explain ways to look at them differently. As said, yankel was a great student, showed lots of interest in what the doc had to say, the doc was impressed by the fact that young 12 year old yankel was trying to work on himself. Yankel and his parents went in for a few sessions (once a week or so) and that was that.
Now, believe it or not lol, even after this young boy had already graduated the therapist meetings, the struggle was only starting.
Again during all this, yankel was a growing boy in all parts of his Aliya, his report-cards would be sent home with almost all subjects מצויין (except for lateness or the type), with beautiful notes on the back written by the rebbi and menahel, saying how much yankel adds to the classes and how he’s growing so nicely.
His bar mitzva was one of the last of his peers (as he was ‘skipped’ due to his kishron etc, yes in those days it WAS heard of to skip, it was hard to adjust to the new class but that’s what the menahel suggested for certain reasons), being that the Class was older by now it was extra lively. He wasn’t the popular boy, wasn’t the one good at sports neither the most confident, but he was a very ‘good’ kid and pretty normal so he was liked by all for that. He aslo leined the whole parsha, had learnt through his whole pshetel with his father and said it over beautifully, etc.
As you can guess, he was accepted to the top mesivta (Although he was the only bachur that came to his farher without a hat and jacket as he was still not barmitzva then), and would soon start knocking even further in his learning etc etc. And so did his lonely fight only continue...
To be continued - ‘mesivta years.’
