Change takes time!
The same way we didn't become entrenched and engrossed in lust in 2 weeks, it takes a lot of time and effort to get out of this. We trained ourselves to do something and it has gone deep in to our nature. We have to reach in and pull our Neshama out.
This is not to say that you should just keep doing the same old. Stepping up ones game is also an important part

Can I ask you why you want to stop? Let me tell you a secret... you will mistam never get the same intense pleasure from a real relationship than from porn in certain ways. Porn releases much more dopamine in your brain, so why stop? I'm lo achshav eimusei?!

Sapy wrote on 21 Mar 2021 23:50:

i never did porn so dont get me jealous lol. i do mastrubate however, im here because im not happy with myself i feel i gotta stop but at the same time im unhappy with what i get from my wife and how that satisfies me. so its a little backwards but sometimes i feel its the only way to b satisfied am i crazy?

Two things. First simple question are you satisfied after masterbating? Or after thinking of another person's wife? Do you ever feel fulfilled?
Secondly, the answer why you wanna stop, was not really answered. And it sounds that you really aren't clear with it yourself. I think that its crucial in order to break free to know why you are working on this, and just feel that you are depriving yourself and fighting for some not clear reason. So again.... please ask yourself. Why? Why do I wanna stop??

Mount whitney wrote on 21 Mar 2021 23:12:

Two steps forward, one step back, or five steps forward, four steps back, the main thing is that you are still moving in the right direction and that you don't stop moving.

It's not like flipping a switch, it takes time and effort. The beginning is what is called "inspiration" the rest is called "real life." When we start off, we are driven and ready to push, but as reality sets in, we constantly have to reignite the drive to push. 

As @Sapy said, this starts with putting down clearly why you are fighting in the first place. The "Why" is going to be the most important question you will need to answer. The Y"H is going to ask you why, your phone will ask you why, your anger will ask why, your patients will ask, your loneliness will ask, etc. Everyone will be asking the same question, you better have a good answer for them or you will give up in a snap.

We don't like to do things that are hard, that's just how we are wired. (in mussar we say that if the Y"H wouldn't be stronger that the Y"T, we wouldn't have free will because we would be compelled to do good. After all, it's the truth and it's easier! Only a fool would run after physical things! In order to ensure bechira, Hashem made the wrong choice always the easier one.) One way to combat this is to give yourself enough of a reason to do the difficult option, that when you consider all the ramifications, the harder choice actually becomes the easier one.


 Never did porn? Then you really won't find it satisfying. Here is a video GYE sent out a few weeks ago that brings out this point so clearly.

im here because im not happy with myself it's a start, but what are you unhappy about? What do you feel? Is it something to do with betrayal? Do you feel like you deserve to live a better life? Is it because you feel like your wife deserves a more loyal husband? is it because you can't imagine the horror of getting caught? Is it because it take up more time than you give to things that are really important to you? Is it because it takes you away from learning and davening and spending time with family and friends? Is it because it just feels dumb and low to run to the toilet every whenever you are bored or stressed? Is it because you know that there is more meaning in life than to ejaculate as one of your primary goals in life (think about how much time we spend planning and then when you consider the bedroom, as kosher masturbation and how focused we are on getting our fix there, we can safely assume that that the goal of ejaculation is pretty high on the list)?

I am sorry if this is too harsh, I don't mean it personally, but food for thought. This is what a lot of guys go through. Please think about it.


Same here, you ain't the only one here who feels that way. Just look around the BB forum, that's what everyone is complaining about. 

The question you need to ask yourself is this, what would satisfy you? What is it that you are looking for? Check out that video that I linked earlier, it makes this point clear. What are your goals in life? What does bring you satisfaction? whatever it is, if you have healthy goals and accomplishing them brings you satisfaction, focus on those and you will have your much coveted satisfaction. 

There is a way to find satisfaction in your marriage, but  it's not going to be through pursuing your fantasies and seeking as much pleasure for yourself. Satisfaction comes from one thing and that is through building long term meaningful relationships. With relatives, friends, spouse and kids and ultimately with Hashem. When we work on our relationships, we feel satisfied. It's not a simple task, but the crux of it is focusing on the needs of others and putting them before ours.

Here are a few great videos worth watching.
gye.vids.io/videos/1c9adbb61c1de2cb94/how-do-we-protect-our-children-from-seeking-bad-pleasures
gye.vids.io/videos/4c9adbb61c1de2c7c4/what-is-the-opposite-of-addiction
gye.vids.io/videos/7c9bd1be1915eac5f4/04-everything-we-think-we-know-about-addiction-is-wrong. 
gye.vids.io/videos/709addb71c1deacbf8/give-them-a-life-to-fight-for

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Thank you for this @Wilnevergiveup. Gem of a post and great mind opening videos.

wilnevergiveup wrote on 22 Mar 2021 07:53:

Just a heora: the wrong choice is not always the easier one. There are times that that's true, but not always. Nekudas habechirah means that each person at various times has his/her set of challenges. What is easy for one is difficult for another. What was challengin' one day is a breeze the next. The fact that there is an inner ratzon hatov ingrained in each and every one of us makes it easier to do what's right many times.

Mount whitney wrote on 21 Mar 2021 23:12:

I had attempted to post a long winded response to this which ended up being deleted before I could submit it it... probably better that way as it may have been lacking sensitivity to the issue.
I  will just point out that you can use the same feeling of  im lo acshav aimasay feeling to break away from this thought process as well.
Hatzlocha!

Sapy wrote on 22 Mar 2021 01:30:

i think the main reason i signed up here is because of how fake and gross i feel after i do it its so depressing im in kollel and yet after i learn well all day i go to bed and do u know what.  the truth is i feel like i dont want moshiach to come because i cant greet him this way it  really torments me. yet i still did it because i couldnt say no to myself. bh after i signed up although its still a struggle i managed to stay clean(so far) simply because A. i know i will have to report back B. i learnt a lot of tricks from reading the forum and talking with people on the forum(thanks) but lmaaseh the real reason i want to stop is like i said earlier that after i act out i feel terrible i literally cry into my pillow sometimes.  as far as do i feel fulfilled/satisfied when i do it obviously afterwards no, but during the act its hard to know it just takes over my mind thank u so much for all ur help

ענין תענוגי העולם הזה, אמרו בעלי המוסר, "תחילתו מתוק וסופו מר". וזה ענין כמו שכתוב, "איזהו חכם הרואה את הנולד", היינו שסופו מר ויש לו כוח להפרש מהן. ו"אין אדם חוטא, אלא אם כן נכנס בו רוח שטות". לכן אינו רואה מה שיהיה בסופו.

wilnevergiveup wrote on Unknown:

allright first of all thanks for ur post i thought a ton about what u brought up. here goes, basically as i said earlier the main reason i want to quit this is because of how i feel afterwards fake, gross, distant from hashem, depressed.... all those 'wonderfull feelings' of course most of the things u brought up are true too but those arent the main motivators. as far as your other points what would satisfy me... the truth is i dont think i am asking for a lot i never watched porn and although that doesnt make me immune to this but i am not looking for a 'pornstar' experience i feel that i am looking for the 'regular' experience which i dont feel i am getting basically because i am not at all attracted to my wife i hate to say this but im kinda repulsed especially in the bedroom because of the weight gain ive spoken about.now u r right that satisfaction is about long term relationships but its hard to build a relationship in this situation and also i still need to be satisfied in this area as i said earlier idont think im asking for something totally abnormal rather based on what i see on the street(neighbors freinds wives...) is not what i have. true under the clothing they may be hiding stuff but at least on the street they look great! u know what i mean i hope i am making some sense im not so good at writing anyways thanks again for ur post i really appreciated it

Mount whitney wrote on 24 Mar 2021 04:21:

 Makes loads of sense.

I was and often still feel just like you.

It's about expectations. What's normal is not necessarily what you deserve or are going to get. 

You may have to learn to take what you've got, and write your story out of it.

It's not easy, and I don't think anyone ever said it would be. Unless you are ready to go on the market again, I don't see another way out.

I am no where near perfect, but I have come to realize that my wife is all I've got. Yes, I may lust from time to time, but I know I can only expect her to be her (and not even that sometimes).

Making a gratitude list worked wonders for me. 

Also check out the following threads.
Mikvah Night
Pnimius Hazivug
Working on Really Loving My Wife
Sex With Wife
Catch 22
Things to do for the Mrs.
Breaking out of the cycle
I think I miss the nida times
A Journey Without A Name
Thank You Hashem (Rated R)
My wife is the only woman in the world

Some of them are really long but they are worth it. You will see, you aren't the first to bring this up.

Hatzlachah

Gut moed went to my parents for yom tuv kept busy still clean bh. Its pretty crazy how all the women congregate outside of shul after davening it cud get tough. But i  was pretty good at watching my eyes bh. Its just hard when everyone is dressed up and my wife comes rolling in like a shlump.(i know its not nice) thanks for hearing me out

Mount whitney wrote on 30 Mar 2021 04:58:

I guess this thread is teaching all the unmarrieds that marriage ain't the answer to lusting...

(For the record, I agree 100 %)

Mount whitney wrote on 30 Mar 2021 04:58:

Hi MH, may I humbly suggest you start a thread on the BB section.