Hey everyone
I have struggled to stop myself from reading erotic fiction and having zera levatala for the past five years. When I get triggered those thoughts and stories are always accessible. It is very hard to wake myself from my fantasies when I have the urge. When I slip I feel like I am worthless and I get depressed. I feel that willingly doing the wrong thing disqualifies the sincerity and value of the good things that I do.
Last year I installed a strong filter on my phone. I was very reluctant to do so. I knew it was necessary and it was very freeing when I followed through. I still don't have any filter on my laptop. 
I started the 90 day count and (as I was advised) I am looking into the SMART recovery and specifically the Cost Benefit Analysis.
I don't know what type of change I can hope for. I tried many times to stop completely and I always went back to it. What will I gain from here that will make life manageable? What are realistic expectations?
How can I live with my beliefs and my struggles at the same time?

Welcome S.X.D!
Welcome to the GYE club!
It's a big step to post especially if you don't know will come out of it. Let me asure you, you are not struggling alone. The guys on the forum have been there done that and can relate to you.

Good on you for jumping right in and starting the 90 day count.

To answer some of your questions (although I know others can answer way better)

1- you are not alone in this battle anymore. We will be here during your good days to cheer you on and be here to lend a hand when it gets hard. Posting will also add an element of accountability

2- breaking free is possible! For some, breaking free can be a lifetime battle. Taking one day at a time and overcoming every urge/fantasy at a time

3- I have a יצר הרע and I see you have one too, I do not define myself with the actions that I've done. I'm definitely responsible but not defined by them. What can I do about the past? I can't change the past but today is in my hands.
Besides for our evil impulsive inclination, we have a yetzer tov, a neshoma that is literally part of Hashem himself that no matter what cannot get affected in any way what so ever.

Everyone has challenges, this is your challenge that Hashem gave you. It's not a contradiction to anything else that you have done.
Yes, it's a problem and needs fixing but you will get there!
Let this challenge rise you up not pull you down!
Wishing you much success here!

P.s can you filter your computer?
What else have you tried to stop?

Welcome!
All I can tell you is you came to the right place! I don't claim to have all (or maybe any) of the answers to your questions. However,as you browse through other forums and post on your own thead here you will find an amazing group of guys. I believe the words Ba litaher would describe the atmosphere on here. Stick around and I am sure you will hear from those that are wiser than me.
Hatzlocha!

Welcome!

I second everything that Zedj wrote.

Take a look at the GYE handbook to see why this time might be different. also check out The Fight from Rabbi Shafier, it will really help you change your perspective.

Also check out some of the threads of the hero's here who have B"H seen success in their journeys. 
guardyoureyes.com/forum/19-Introduce-Yourself/353326-Make-it-to-Yeshiva
guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/352806-There-must-be-a-way
And many others.

No one is saying it's going to be easy but it surely is possible.

Keep us posted.
Wilnevergiveup 

I’ll reiterate some of what the guys here wrote.

1. God made you a Human Being. A Person has drives to do bad and drives to do good.
A person is meant to try his best to do good.
A person will fail from time to time. That is the nature of “Man.” (How this fits with schar v’onesh is a bigger discussion).
The Only way for you to ever live a happy and fulfilled life in good conscience, is to accept your Humanity.

2. You say “I feel that willingly doing the wrong thing disqualifies the sincerity and value of the good things that I do.”
Let me ask you, do you really think you’re a Rasha? You do bad things cuz u hate HaShem? No. You desire with all your heartto serve   God and to become better, and that’s why you’re here.
This “feeling” you have is complete falsehood.
Its as meaningful and true as heartburn.
Let’s forget feelings and ask God what he thinks.

Ill save u the effort, God loves you unconditionally, and cherishes every time you work hard to do his mitzvos.

If you’re gonna grow and succeed in Avodas HaShem, you gotta get that clear.

3. You ask “How can I live with my beliefs and my struggles at the same time?”
Let me ask you, How do you think any of us do it? 
You think you’re the only one with a Yetzer Hara?!

Beleive in Yourself.
And beleive in the God who beleives in You.


YeshivaGuy

Welcome!

All I can say is you've come to the right place. I've been part of this group of amazing guys a little over two months and I continue to be enamored by the amount chizuk you can get from this platform. We all know, we're all coming from the same place. Make some (anonymous) friends (count me in! ) We've all made mistakes, but I'm telling you, these are good people who clearly show that their yetzer harah is no match for their yetzer.

Much hatzlacha!

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO

Hey Spacexdragon, how’s life?@ YOUKNOWWHO