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TOPIC: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 27820 Views

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 24 Jan 2021 19:10 #361793

Mo613 wrote on 24 Jan 2021 16:55:
I have the same exact issue. I need help as well. thought i was the only one struggling with your issue. message me hopefully we can work it out B”H 

Hey sure you can send me your number privately through GYE... and I’ll be more then Happy to text or talk about this with you! 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 24 Jan 2021 20:42 #361801

  • Markz
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Sam,

There maybe a nice tidbit for you here

yechidah wrote on 17 Nov 2010 19:14:
this may sound a little strange to you ,but you need to be alone and think about this and write this down

1-why do I want marry this girl?

2-If tommorrow morning she would be afflicted with a terrible condition that would destroy her looks,or perhaps make her look not ugly but perhaps just quite average looking to you,perhaps put on an extra 20 pounds,would you still wish to spend the rest of your life with her?

3-write down all her non-physical maalos.

4-those characteristics that seem to bother you.If you can see that they are part and parcel of her personality,would you be able to accept her as she is,and not harp on them at all,but accept them (and not just tolerate them begrudgingly)

5- is trying to control another person part of your personality?Are you committed to let go of any unhealthy control?

6-would you be able to break your ego to the extent as to be machnia yourself,humble yourself to what she truely is and needs to be?if some of what she wishes to be or if some of her aspirations seem not perfectly aligned with yours,are you willing do still give to her.

can you picture yourself doing very mundane and even boring and even personally distastful acts of chesed for her,just to help her,and doing this,consistantly, even if you will not receive in return? 

7-if you would not need her as a crutch right now,and you no longer need her to fill a void in you,or you just met someone who  now  seems much better looking,finer middos,etc..,how quickly would you dump her?

You need to understand if you really care for this person,what is inside this person,or if you really don't,and your feelings of love is a form of dependency because she makes you feel good when you are around her.

This last point is a very difficult one that must be adressed

because if you end of marrying her,sooner or later all the superficial aspects will wear off, and you will be left with the real person behind the persona that you are viewing.

and that is the deep soul-searching that you need to do now-for your sake and for hers.

It's clear that she has a strong physical and emotional effect on you

strip that away,what is left?

That is what you need to focus on.The real person that is before you,know her well,not just externally,and see if you accept her as she is or not.

there is no quick solution to remove the unhealthy lust towards her.But doing the above will help.

also know that lusting her not only hurts you,you are hurting her as well.

she deserves to be known for who she is, and the lust prevents one from viewing her a person, as a whole entire human being.

So you need to start knowing her from the inside and focus on that as best as you can

hatzlacha rabbah my friend

I wish you the very best
My Story---------Dov Quotes




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Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 02 Feb 2021 01:57 #362514

  • lou
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Hi,
You said they recommended you cut back a bit... I doubt they said you should disappear!
How are you doing?

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 02 Mar 2021 21:17 #364579

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How's it going?

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 10 Mar 2021 05:16 #365165

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Mazel Tov your strength made my day quite literally. Your love for the girl and your desire to keep shomer negiah is inspiring. Bezras Hashem, in two years you can be together as husband and wife without hiding your relationship.

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 11 Mar 2021 01:40 #365208

Hey all!!!! It’s shtarkandemotional... wow, I must say it’s been a while since I was here! And I’m actually very proud to say bh since the last time I was here! It’s been really hard emotionally for other reasons... but I still never met my “girlfriend” even tho she’s not too far from my own home... we are staying strong and Bh the clarity to not meet sometimes fades I tell myself what’s the big deal it just takes some time and I’ll be where I am now agian... is there really such a difference by not meeting?!? But I just need to remind myself I guess... but Bh the crazy intense desire does fade which makes it much less painful to handle now... but That doesn’t take away the oneness and love I have for this person... it’s more the pull to be with her is much easier to handle and is much less on my mind, the attraction and everything with it is kind of more faded it’s interesting and sometimes gets hard cuz, I used to be so pulled... and now not so much... now it’s easier to bear... it’s just sometimes I think about the old days of that connection I felt so close to heart and everything with it ... I think I don’t have to say even 2 years anymore at this point we can say a year and half Bh!! I’m pulling through... I really appreciate everyone here thank you all!- shtarkandemotional 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 11 Mar 2021 01:41 #365209

Cesare wrote on 10 Mar 2021 05:16:
Mazel Tov your strength made my day quite literally. Your love for the girl and your desire to keep shomer negiah is inspiring. Bezras Hashem, in two years you can be together as husband and wife without hiding your relationship.

Wow your comment made my day!!! Lol thanks so much! It seems you understand this! 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 11 Mar 2021 01:47 #365210

Sometimes it’s so hard tho, I think about the old days... how it was holding hands... having deep talks together about our past in the park... dreaming together etc... but bezH hashem will give me the strength to keep pulling through this nisayon... it’s so difficult cuz I tell myself nothing can happen if we meet it’ll be so good we’ll shmooz a lil... but I know and I need to remind myself a lot of pain will come back... like how I want her so badly etc.. and everything else..and It’ll make touching so difficult it’s just so not worth it it’s just I miss it so much at times but Bh!!!! I still didn’t meet! I’m really proud of myself and her! It’s honestly hard for her too we’re in it together! We’re real friends forever... thanks all for the tremendous support! I hope to be here more often especially cuz I feel myself getting weaker these days... 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 11 Mar 2021 13:19 #365236

  • Cesare
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Shtarkandemotional wrote on 08 Jan 2021 04:40:
Ok! I need your help ! I’m sad! I wanna spend time with her!!!!!!!!!!!!! Raaa! Ok hashem please I’m davenning now at a time of really strong desire! That we should both have strong clarity for the future! And my love should be very happy healthy and successful! And please hashem help me learn better! And have a burning desire to learn and have a strong intimate relationship with YOU! Ok shtarkandemotional calm down! Everything will be ok! One day you’ll bezH have your love!!! It’s just the desires are RAGING!!! 
:pinch: Warning: Spoiler!

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 11 Mar 2021 13:24 #365237

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Shtarkandemotional wrote on 11 Mar 2021 01:47:
Sometimes it’s so hard tho, I think about the old days... how it was holding hands... having deep talks together about our past in the park... dreaming together etc... but bezH hashem will give me the strength to keep pulling through this nisayon... it’s so difficult cuz I tell myself nothing can happen if we meet it’ll be so good we’ll shmooz a lil... but I know and I need to remind myself a lot of pain will come back... like how I want her so badly etc.. and everything else..and It’ll make touching so difficult it’s just so not worth it it’s just I miss it so much at times but Bh!!!! I still didn’t meet! I’m really proud of myself and her! It’s honestly hard for her too we’re in it together! We’re real friends forever... thanks all for the tremendous support! I hope to be here more often especially cuz I feel myself getting weaker these days... 

Wow! Just wow!

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 12 Mar 2021 02:45 #365281

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1st of all the hard work is not in the garbage because you have experience. If you do it a second time you'd have an advantage you did not have the first time.
​secondly i can't tell you forsure what's the right way to go about this. However, I think you should speak to her and explain to her what the problem with the relationship is. get her to understand and be on the same boat as you. And make a mutual break up. if you are that close to each other she should understand. And let her know that one day there will be a right time where u would be able to work it out and maybe you can get married through the right way.
hatzlacha raba!!
and feel free toto contact me if you want.

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 19 Apr 2021 16:36 #367097

Hey all! It’s me  I’m back! Tomorrow will be a complete 4 months of not meeting! And that means we’re getting closer to revisiting this idea properly! I wanna thank everyone for all the chizuk and the tremendous support... so Bh after 4 months... things have really faded in my mind of how things are with her in person! unless I work on thinking about it and comes to my mind... how it was spending time together in person and all the painful desires and emotions are all clam Bh! After 4 months of pain and hard work BH I got to this point! But you wanna hear something beyond retarded! After all the pain and working so hard to heal I wanna go back! I wanna go back now! I want her! It’s so hard to not feel that strong emotional closeness! Why am I forgetting the pain of being so close emotionally and not being married?!? It’s a whole different level of emotional torture maybe I can remind myself of how things were and remind myself to stay far away if I want to feel good nowadays... one thing I can say is I never ever thought I would reach this far and things would feel good inside me! I’m learning better I’m craving much less things are just so much better... I’m happy to be who I am! Not craving and living for the future so I can be with shprintza! Lol! Anyway! Thanks all! I hope to be back with 5/6/7/8/9 months of no meeting I believe I can do it! With Hashem’s help I will succeed! it’s only a year and half left! Soon it’ll be only a year... take it slow take it easy and with Hashem’s help and guidance we’ll reach there! Hashem thank you for the pain thank you for happiness and pleasure! Everything is the best possible thing for us in the moment it’s just a matter of if we can see it and understand it or not!!! Thank you hashem for everything! 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 26 Sep 2021 14:24 #372670

its only the beginning, you will yet become much more clear and free, and it will fade more.
G'luck!
Get Clean Or Die Tryin'

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 22 Oct 2021 05:10 #373495

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wow just wow, I'm blown away.
The ultimate goal of farming is not the growing of crops, but the cultivation and perfection of human beings

Re: Boyfriend-girlfriend relationship 19 Dec 2021 20:21 #375069

Hey all! It’s shtarkandemotional here! Can’t believe how much I owe Hashem! How much I came forward from December 2020 -December 2021. I specifically remember 12/19/2020 last year and how a lot was going on. And look where I am today! 12/19/2021! I’d like to publicly thank the entire gye chevra for all the warmth and love and help throughout the must roughest and toughest brutal times. And especially captain for the many hours he spent on me regardless of his busy schedule! A lot of where I am today is because of him! thank you Hashem for sending him as a sheliach! (Sorry I’m announcing it publicly.. it’s just so necessary for the world to know what a great person you are!) Bh I have made a whole lot lot of progress in my journey- in all of them.. And I hope to Iyh move toward marriage in less then a year bezH. Thank you everyone! 
“Distancing and removing triggers is only bringing the door closer..Changing the insides and our nature is the key to get in.” 

“Human connection can help every sort of struggle” 

If anyone would like to reach me I’d love to help out! 
anonymouslyhappy111@gmail.com

Break free the easy way using the self-talk method!
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/4-On-the-Way-to-90-Days/378128-Captain--Shtarkemotionals-Secret90Day-Challenge

Check out this thread with packed Insight for every person at every stage! 
https://guardyoureyes.com/forum/1-Break-Free/376994-%E2%80%9CShtark%E2%80%9D-insight-that-may-make-you-%E2%80%9Cemotional%E2%80%9D-%29
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