Oh well tears fell out 

Feeling the pain... feeling so far yet so close feeling far cuz of a recent slip of mz”l ! Feeling so close cuz I’m really trying so hard to come close to hashem ! The pain goes from the chest and slowly you feel it pass downward... feeling like you just wanna bury yourself! Life sometimes feels so great sometimes feels so lonely! Feeling so worthless... BUT I will take the inner spark deep inside me and make it into a huge flame! Will wipe away the tears! Turn the tears of sadness and loneliness to tears of joy! To a soft soothing sound from my mouth while learning! Gonna go jump right in full force ahead! Pain or no pain! Tonight I wanna be invincible! I wanna accomplish my dream I wanna learn with a clear mind! I wanna learn feeling so content feeling in the clouds! I can do it! It’s up to me 1.2.3 GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

Hey all! Feeling very anxious now... but gonna try to calm myself to the best of my abilities...

WOW! That’s my post for day 10# lol! Ok so where on earth do I start?!? I had many mixed moments today but a really creepy 11:30-12:35 period of time like super anxious or my day lol! Ok here it goes! So the highlights of the day was an old rebbe of mine saw me learning in beis medrish and said wow! You add so much! So nice to have you here! That meant a lot to me! And I had another long shmuz with another old rebbe of mine lol! It was about people struggling with masturbation etc! And his point which I totally disagreed with what he said masturbating is very childish lol and he said it not using the word masturbate of course and he’s kind of a guy that doesn’t know the outside world lol! Haha! Anyway was nice shmoozing with him! I’m not gonna talk about a fall that I had anyway let’s keep that aside I cried over it ENOUGH! Anyway, I’m taking the Kabbalah upon myself tonight until feb 1st 2021 bezH! So will see how it goes God willing! I’ve made up my mind I cannot continue playing around! I already made a big step in my life with taking a break with the relationship might as well come even closer to hashem and my goals and make this Kabbalah to avoid future slips bezH!!!!!!!!! so I’m really happy about that!!! Went biking and learned where I love learning! But was very sad! And wasn’t feeling so well! OH and I davenned with my friends brother haha lol! Anyway, went out with a friend and preparing for an upcoming party together! And I learned pretty well Bh!!!!! And oh leaving the phone at home was SUCH AN ADJUSTMENT!!!!!! Was so difficult now I see how attached I am to my phone but it’s so WORTH it I learned tons more !!! Will keep it up bezH!!! Anyway take care everyone!!!!! Thanks for reading!!!

Hey all! I’m thinking to myself... why isn’t today day 12? Like just because I had a slip... doesn’t mean I don’t count that day over all it should be a 40 day goal...( which is my goal for now) I don’t know I’m just thinking there’s always bumps and I’m not sure if it’s good to like take of days! Like I feel like everyday counts so much regardless (even if you texted) and like today I’m thinking should really be day 12!!!! Cuz I am working really hard even the days I slip! I would love to know your thoughts  

So for now I’m counting it as day number 12 unless... someone thinks I should do otherwise... so for day number 12! In this journey! Wow! I’d describe it as till now I got really busy etc to avoid the negative feelings etc! But honestly I feel like it’s hitting me a lil! But much less Bh! Last night was such a hard night for me and honestly very frustrating... but Bh I got over it... I am a lil sad... from what happened...and I’m feeling I wish I would have taken things a lil differently when I texted someone and like I feel like they really didn’t realize how MUCH pain i was in... oh well... but they DID help me tons it was just a crazy time for me! Whatev! but overall I’m doing good Bh! Now making a neder and bezH gonna daven for myself and my friend...and the entire chevra here! And then gonna learn bezH! ....

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 01 Jan 2021 18:13:

I think you need to decide what it is you are trying to accomplish with this streak. The point of a streak has been discussed/debated on this forum extensively. Many of us are trying to overcome compulsive porn/masturbation/general lust habits. What thought process is it that you are trying to rewire?

Also, I've noticed you used the word "break" several times when referring to this period of agreeing to not seeing your friend.
In the words of Inigo Montoya, "You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means..."

Good shabbos everyone!!! And to my girlfriend at heart! 

I hope my love is feeling ok lately... 

Day #12 (11) so today was a big day in my life! Made a neder which I always wanted to make for a while but kept pushing it off....Learned Bh! And Davenned a lot for myself and my very precious friend... for our families etc!!! And everyone here! Was really a spiritual and emotional day! I hope this shabbos will be uplifting and I hope to really enjoy it! “Honey I hope your doing fine sorry if things seem so confusing and hard” bezH we will continue to all grow!! Going to daven now

Hey all! Day 14 of the break wow! I’m honestly doing amazing even with all the slips hashem has gave me incredible siyata dishmaya to get to where I am today!!!! To not text my friend a whole day?!! And feel ok with it?!? Two? Three? A week?!?!?!?  Wow hashem has really helped me it honestly logically doesn’t make sense how this is going so so smooth far! B”ah!!! Wow! Wow! Wow!it should only continue it’s such a unique and interesting experience actually lol! To feel my friend like still I love her but I’m ok and settled to not text her... it’s cool! But I’m convinced knowing the way things work and from the past ! That if we get back into texting daily and calling and meeting... after a week we’re gonna be texting all the time lol! Anyway so day! 14! Is I went out with my family member Out to eat... and we actually watched a movie on my phone at the restaurant haha Lolol! It’s fine I’m unique so I can be different ! Anyway, it’s.. so interesting... but the frum world is against it kind of... and I’m maskim! It kinda gives a very wrong picture... but it’s still interesting to see and it reminds you... you can’t be too much lol! Whatev anyway why am I going on like this?!?! BECAUSE I wanna distract myself lol! Anyway see ya”ll later 

You speak Yiddish? 

Hey all! Hey hey hey!!!!!! I don’t know I’m just feeling like I’m in the mood of thinking with chevra here for your info lol I’m in a bathtub taking a warm bath so I’m gonna post while I’m at it lol! So... let’s start like this... wow! Going from learning as much as I can literally maximizing every SECOND for learning like listen to shiur on the 5 min walk to shul type! To fast forward! A few months boom!  touching a girl in the worst places!(not gonna go into detail don’t wanna trigger anyone or MYSELF lol) im thinking how did this end up! Corona! Bored all day! Boredom brings problems ! Now I understand the Mishnah בטלה מביא לידי זמה/שיעמום !! Honestly I thought I already experienced the biggest struggles in shmutz that a frum yeshiva Bochur can I experience! Porn and mast ! I never dreamed of A yeshiva bachur like me! struggling against shomer negiah! Trust me it’s one of the most difficult challenges! All I can say to everyone is I think! Never let your guard down! Things happen not even imaginable! Who Would’ve thought! Like I’m telling you ME?!?! No way!! Everyone knows me as the shtark one they all come over after to ask me questions and everything! Like hello ?!? Does anyone dream what situation I’ve been through! How much holier they are then me!!! It’s just crazy! And let alone my friend! She’s from SUCH A chashuv family! And such a CHASHUV person! So talented and spiritual and amazing! This doesn’t make sense!!! But I think this only fills what Chazal says! That’s all!!!! I’m looking forward for the day I can say I’m 365 days clean from mz”l I really feel it can happen and bezH it will!!! and I think my special friend will appreciate it the most!!! after all if this works out! A girl would really appreciate that her husband is clean;) and same other way around! I think everyone wants clean spouses!! Anyway!! I don’t wanna fall asleep in this bathtub lol! I just think it’s crazy how this relationship changed so much over time! And Bh I don’t know it DOESNT MAKE SENSE how I’m here now Without pain! My brain cannot comprehend it!!! But I will succeed bezH cuz hashem is helping ME!!! Bh!!! Take a look at an email from September 21 2020!Shattered heartTorn apartStabbing painHas no nameEndless tearsInsides burningI'm terribly HurtingMourningBitter cries (tears)Peirciing criesA million whysDeep Inner hurtNeed supportWants closureFeeling misunderstoodUnbearable painIn agony that's insane ..Can't do this!We're in the same boat.#cryinginconsolably

Hey all! Hey hey hey!!!!!! I don’t know I’m just feeling like I’m in the mood of thinking with chevra here for your info lol I’m in a bathtub taking a warm bath so I’m gonna post while I’m at it lol! So... let’s start like this... wow! Going from learning as much as I can literally maximizing every SECOND for learning like listen to shiur on the 5 min walk to shul type! To fast forward! A few months boom!  touching a girl in the worst places!(not gonna go into detail don’t wanna trigger anyone or MYSELF lol) im thinking how did this end up! Corona! Bored all day! Boredom brings problems ! Now I understand the Mishnah בטלה מביא לידי זמה/שיעמום !! Honestly I thought I already experienced the biggest struggles in shmutz that a frum yeshiva Bochur can I experience! Porn and mast ! I never dreamed of A yeshiva bachur like me! struggling against shomer negiah! Trust me it’s one of the most difficult challenges! All I can say to everyone is I think! Never let your guard down! Things happen not even imaginable! Who Would’ve thought! Like I’m telling you ME?!?! No way!! Everyone knows me as the shtark one they all come over after to ask me questions and everything! Like hello ?!? Does anyone dream what situation I’ve been through! How much holier they are then me!!! It’s just crazy! And let alone my friend! She’s from SUCH A chashuv family! And such a CHASHUV person! So talented and spiritual and amazing! This doesn’t make sense!!! But I think this only fills what Chazal says! That’s all!!!! I’m looking forward for the day I can say I’m 365 days clean from mz”l I really feel it can happen and bezH it will!!! and I think my special friend will appreciate it the most!!! after all if this works out! A girl would really appreciate that her husband is clean;) and same other way around! I think everyone wants clean spouses!! Anyway!! I don’t wanna fall asleep in this bathtub lol! I just think it’s crazy how this relationship changed so much over time! And Bh I don’t know it DOESNT MAKE SENSE how I’m here now Without pain! My brain cannot comprehend it!!! But I will succeed bezH cuz hashem is helping ME!!! Bh!!! Take a look at an email from September 21 2020!Shattered heartTorn apartStabbing painHas no nameEndless tearsInsides burningI'm terribly HurtingMourningBitter cries (tears)Peirciing criesA million whysDeep Inner hurtNeed supportWants closureFeeling misunderstoodUnbearable painIn agony that's insane ..Can't do this!We're in the same boat.#cryinginconsolably *       *         *( Telling myself... )Okay, honeyBreathhhhThe pain will subsideYou'll be okayIt's gonna passYou'll get over it..You could do this!We're in this together.  Look how HASHEM changed things so dramatically!

P’haps some strangers would reply to your post as follows
“We are all holier than thou and would never have sinned such as you did - son. You will have to pay every bit coin you own as penance to the lord of the eye manor. Cease all tap-sticks at once!
The fires of hell are cold compared to the bath you justly deserve”

Not on gye!!!

SAM YOU ARE AMAZING FOR SHARING!!!

Many of us have these little secrets that will never come out. It must be really hard to share what’s going and what was going on with that relationship that you’re trying to put on hold.