Sending the entire chevra a warm hug!!! I’m really sorry if anyone was hurt! Didn’t mean it at all! Just so hyped now lol so passionate hahaha !!! But I’m really sorry if I was too strong hope the chevra will forgive me if I hurt anyone! We’re one big family and I pray we should all overcome our nisyonos! 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Dec 2020 05:04:

Wooooh let’s start over Lolol! So... yeshiva guy I really appreciate your trying to help me I will think about what your saying! Like there definitely is a void... will think about it thank you I hope you forgive me... really really I’m sorry didn’t mean to hurt you AT ALL

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 24 Dec 2020 05:09:

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 24 Dec 2020 05:09:

Buddy, no worries, zero hurt here. We’re all good.
It was just that I myself as well have gone through much much much pain to be moser Nefesh to refrain/break off relationships with girls etc, so I understand you.
So I’m glad you realize what I said was coming from someone in a similar matzav, and great.

Im glad you’ll consider what I wrote and we’ll discuss.


Hatzlocha Rabba and keep in touch

Shtarkandemotional wrote on 24 Dec 2020 05:10:


Your user name should be
ShtarkEmotional

Markz wrote on 24 Dec 2020 05:15:

Maskim markZ 100%!!! I’m gonna talk with menachem bezH to change it for me! 

SAM, keep sharing all the emotion. It is very therapeutic. At the same time, start realizing that you have to let go. You decided to cut off from her. Do it right. 100% disconnect. You need to do that at the fantasy level too. If you are cutting off, do it buddy. Don't obsess about how she is or is not doing. I hope that you have gotten rid of any pictures of her.   If you can't throw them out, give them to someone trustworthy and ask them to lock them up for a minimum of 2 years - no exceptions. If it is Hashem's will that you marry, you will meet at some point in the future as two mature, mitzva conscious individuals - not 2 kids having fun. Your initial reaction to this post will probably be a very uncomfortable feeling in your gut - similar to when a relative rach"l passes away. I ask you to please read it again and again very slowly, along with the posts from other caring fellows here who basically said the same thing. Read them until you know them by heart. Liberate yourself from the codependence. Hatzlocha.

Thank you all gonna get some sleep now Gn!!! 

I’ll add this, in case there’s a toeles.

At one point in Highschool I was 100% positive I’d marry a certain girl (never spoke to her, but not going into details, not important).
This belief continued through 3rd year bais medrash.
So about 7 years of feeling deeply (not going into details) that this was my bashert.
And then... Mazel Tov she’s engaged.

I knew the chosson so went to the wedding.
It was very hard for me. It felt like I was celebrating my own demise.
I can’t articulate the pain...
I spent the whole chupa being “Mochel” b’Lev shaleim and wishing the best for them.
I didn’t want any “tainas” on them in Shamayim chalila...

It was an arduous avoda.
And after breaking the glass we danced them to the yichud room.
I was close to the front, it was difficult for me.

But every step of the dancing I did was accepting the Ratzon HaShem...

At the end of the night, I didn’t know my bashert! But I knew one thing. That HaShem runs the world.

Why am I saying this?
Reason 1. It was amazing having a frum therapist to speak to about all of this.
Together we were able to understand/discover the true reason why I had felt so strongly she was my bashert, which has granted me much Menuchas Hanefesh.

Reason 2. I understand what you are experiencing.
And I’m saying, REGARDLESS, of whether she’s your bashert.
One thing is for certain.
The Ribono Shel Olam controls the world.
And accepting that by not obsessing about her/this, though difficult and painful it may be, is key to thriving under this particular circumstance, and b’chlall, is fundamental to living a happy life filled with Emuna.

Once again Yeshiva Guy honestly and courageously shares with the oilam in a way that will inspire anyone reading his post. Incredible!

Hey SAM 
Kol hakovod on your move... let me tell you that  I consider you a regular chasidish chosson!!!
Chasidim have no connection with the kallah for 1 year so maybe you are extra chasidish! They care for the kallah a lot, they daven for them, they finish tehilim for them many times etc... but at the same time they would never look at any pics of her or think of her face, voice etc...
They have no relationship with her at all but at same time they connect with her in the heart by doing all the above!!!!
And they build stunning yiddishe homes!!!

Good Morning SAM,

Now that you passed three agonizing days, you are a true hero! Your strength and resolve amazes everyone here. Hashem should give you the kochos to continue Shtark, and provide you the Emotional support you are missing from this break.

I've been reading all the posts, because as a fellow GYEer, we are all emotionally bound to one another, and I am really feeling your pain.

I want to focus on what a couple of posters mentioned yesterday, I think it is very important: PLEASE go see a therapist!  You need someone professional to help you walk through this hardest challenge of your life.  Your friends here can be your support group, which is also very helpful, but a professional (frum and wise) therapist can give you better authoritative advice than some anonymous bloggers, all of whom have issues, a few of whom are really nuts (maybe me).

This is the battle of your life, and we don't want to see you retreat (go back to her) or be wounded on the battlefield (depression, breakdown).  You have to pull out all the artillery: your family (make sure your sister keeps up the tehillim; you're not out of the woods), your friends, and professional guidance. Your emotions are your enemy right now, and they are very shtark!

Many of us can attest to the benefits of seeing a therapist.  A good therapist can strategize with you how to keep your emotions from swallowing you up, and get you to the point where you are going about your day to day life without obsessing over her.  It doesn't mean you are weak or crazy.  It means you understand who your enemy is and know which weapons are effective.

Needless to say, throwing yourself into learning Torah is crucial, as there is nothing as beneficial against the YH as it.  But we have seen those who drown out their sorrows by learning and sometimes never learn how to sort their emotions out, using the Torah as a suppressant, not in a healthy way.  You need to ask bigger and better people than myself about what I just stated.

Another thing which I feel, but would need a Chochom and/or therapist to tell you for sure: You should not daven so much at this point.  Right now you are so super-sensitive that davening long and pleading to Hashem is also awakening the emotions of your friendship and prolonging them.  We need to daven to Hashem, but even the Kohen Gadol said only a short tefillah in the Kh'K. Here's my suggestion: Ribonno Shel Olam, please give me the strength to overcome the Yetzer Hora.  Please heal my heart so I can serve You properly.  And please accept the korban I sacrificed for Your Name.

There will be a time when your emotional state will allow you do daven more, but it may be wise to limit it at the moment.  We will storm the Shomayim for you now and plead your case.  Again, a competent authority should be advised.

I hope your day goes well and productive, and you continue forging ahead with the rest of us!

Thistimeillwin wrote on 24 Dec 2020 13:13:

Agreed. 100%.
Might be uncomfortable going to therapy. But the benefits are huge. 
I actually believe everyone can benefit from a therapist. But, when you've got so much to let off of your chest, it's even more crucial. It will also allow you to gain some stability in these times when you feel like your whole world has come crashing down. And perhaps that void that has been there all the time ,even before you met your girl, might slowly start to heal as well.

As a side note if anyone here went threw a codependent relationship and breakup I would appreciate if you can PM me if your comfortable, please do not respond here, as I dont want to hijack this thread.
Thank you!

Hi SAM,

My apologies, I haven't been following so closely, but I see you're having somewhat of a difficult time taking a break from this relationship.
I have no idea who you are, or who your friend is, making it very hard for me to pass judgement on whether or not the relationship is/what healthy/appropriate.

However, from a birds'-eye view of this thread, I notice something interesting. Many users are trying to help you by suggesting problems you may not have noticed ("codependency"), or advising you whether or not the relationship is proper, etc. It seems to me that you are perfectly content with the way things are going and you are merely seeking camaraderie here, not advice. As this is a public forum, I think many of us instinctively are trying to help you "solve" your issues, but it doesn't seem to me like you have any.

Am I mistaken?

Best,

Moish