Hi everyone. I'll try to make this as brief as possible.

I joined GYE 9 days ago and have been clean since. My wife had known about my issue before but had given me the space to figure it out for myself and assumed I was making progress, when really, things have gotten pretty bad with my pornography and MB addiction recently. Something triggered her to start the conversation last week though, and it was extremely intense, putting a heavy weight on our whole relationship and my life in general. I am fortunate that my wife has a background in mental health and has a good understanding of addictions so overall she was able to accept it for what it is and not chas vshalom leave me as a cheater or anything like that. That being said she certainly felt disgusted and very hurt by my actions.

The conversation was not just about the acts, but ended up that the fact that I had this addiction answers so many questions about some negative experiences and emotional and sexual issues we've had together, and the feeling of shame for all this was crushing. We are proud of our relationship and overall have a beautiful marriage, but have some struggles, including with regards to intimacy. The exposing of my addiction answered a lot of these questions and made me feel extremely guilty for the disgusting act I'm constantly drawn to, as well as all the hardships I've caused my wife through our marriage that can be related to it.

I was overtaken with this guilt and depression, and was extremely motivated to finally break free from this garbage. Through the years, I always swore to myself that I would put an end to it, by the time I finish high school and go to yeshiva, by the time I finish college, by the time I get married FOR SURE, by the time i have children FOR SURE FOR SURE, and here I am a few kids later and I'm walking in the same mud I've been in since I hit puberty. 

I took this as major motivation to change my life. It was bound to happen at some point, and as ashamed as I was, I was thankful to my wife for finally setting me on the path to make it happen. It's been at the forefront of my mind 24/7 since that conversation, and I committed to being a GYE success story, focus more on my Avodas Hashem, my learning, and being a better person.

Fast forward 9 days, and I am still very much in this, I just feel like that powerhouse of motivation is starting to fade a bit. Honestly, these few days have been pretty easy (even though I don't think i've gone this long in years) because I've been so turned off in this emotional state. I knew it would get harder a few days in, and I see that happening now. I have not yet had any major close calls or huge triggers, but the laser focused mindset is slipping. Also, my wife just went into niddah for the first time in months (due to nursing), which isn't going to make this any easier.

I apologize for the length, but this is basically the first time I'm really speaking up, so I wanted to get that off my chest. I would appreciate any thoughts of encouragement, advice, suggestions, or anything else. I appreciate and respect you all for being a part of this and honored to have joined you.

Thanks for sharing. May your stay here be with much hatzlacha!

Aside for the wife making you feel guilty and depressed, why do you want to stop for yourself? (Assuming you do). 

Welcome! May it be with hatzlachah.

I would recommend you read through some other peoples threads for ideas and inspiration. Most of us have been through similar stories and it may help to see how other people got through.

Keep us posted.

Wilnevergiveup

Thank you for sharing! Welcome to this forum and keep coming back!

Welcome! Check out these great free resources:

Great book for breaking free: The Battle of the Generation https://guardyoureyes.com/ebooks/item/the-battle-of-the-generation.

Rabbi Shafier's incredible lectures on breaking free: The Fight. Download here: https://theshmuz.com/series/the-fight/

Also, check out the daily GYE Boost emails at www.gyeboost.org.

A little inspiration every day can go a long way, and it's an important part of your plan. Wishing you much hatzlocha as you fight this battle!

Welcome to the GYE brotherhood!  You wrote a beautiful introduction post.  What you are feeling about the initial excitement wearing off is completely normal.  Now the real work begins.  As other have noted, take some time to browse through the forum and read other people's story.  Certainly in the beginning, post often to help create accountability.  I would also suggest you should listen to Rabbi Shafier series "the Fight" that discusses these challenges. 

Welcome home brother;)

Uh oh. I hope Yetzertov26 isn't just another hit and run...

YetzerTov26 wrote on 11 Nov 2020 04:38:

Welcome to the club. 

Sorry - Your Therapist can’t be your friend and definitely not your wife. I hope you have someone else for that. 

Hatzalcha

Grant400 wrote on 11 Nov 2020 05:17:

Thank you everyone for your kind words of welcome and encouragement.

@Grant400 - I definitely ain't a hit and run. I'm here to stay with Hashem's help.

Why do I want to stop?
1. Because even though I am desensitized () I know deep down this is so bad for me and my secret is pulling me down to a lowly level.
2. Hashem said this is not okay. Part of my struggle is feeling weak to my yetzer harah and wondering why Hashem gave me such a strong one, but i know Hashem doesn't give us challenges we can't overcome. (Which makes it harder as well, as a cycle of feeling like I actually can't be stronger than my yetzer harah.)
3. Shame
4. It wastes so much time
5. It ruins my focus. I hate (when I'm thinking straight anyway) going through my day and dirty or even borderline dirty thoughts creep their way into everything and I am unable to perform anything to fullest potential.
6. Most of all - I don't EVER want my kid to accidentally see or hear anything of my acting out.
Really this could be a fear of being caught by anyone, but I swore this wouldn't be a problem anymore by the time I have children, and well, they're growing up fast.

I also meant to add, to clarify my original post, that BH my wife is very very supportive of this journey I'm on and is excited for good results and how they will improve our marriage. She has been checking in on me regularly which will hopefully prove helpful. I didn't mean to give off the impression that she is making me depressed, rather she was just the impetus for the (appropriate, I think) guilt and shame to motivate me to embark on this journey.

Hey, welcome brother! 

Lucky you that your wife is understanding to an extent! 

Like markz pointed out, having a therapist will be a great help for you!

Hatslocho, 

I just want to add (I think this is what Markz meant) that although it seems (and is true) that your wife is supportive and is rooting for you (she is) you must proceed with caution. She is not your therapist and should never be especially when it comes to these issues, even if she is a trained one.
Whichever way you slice it, she is hurt beyond anything a man could imagine and anytime this subject comes up she is reminded of her pain. Even the things that are related to your recovery can cause her tremendous pain like the mention of GYE. 
Most women don't want recovered porn or sex addicts as their husbands, they want husbands who just know about them.

I don't know if I am getting the message across in a sensitive but clear way but I feel very strongly (from personal experience) that the best way to proceed it to get some long and healthy streaks under your belt, and when your confident enough that you are past this, you can tell her (obviously, if he already knows) that you worked really hard and saw great results.

I guess my point is, think about it clearly, are you feeling alone in this struggle and therefore you wish to share everything with your wife just to get it off your chest? Then it's purely tzar ba'alei chayim. Go find a therapist, Rebbi or mentor to do your dirty work.
If you are at a stage where you cannot proceed without her then you can talk to her about it, but this is only in severe cases.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

YetzerTov26 wrote on 12 Nov 2020 04:16:

Great!

So now make a decision if in the face of all these reasons, it's worth it for you to act out. Weigh the pros and the cons.

Maybe you can write them down on a piece of paper and keep it in your wallet and read it once or twice a day and when faced with a struggle.

Learn how to avoid your common triggers.

Learn how to properly respond to a trigger.

Learn what the proper mindset regarding battling lust is.

Understand that lust isn't a necessity AT ALL.

Use the GYE tools. Post on the forum daily. Reach out to members when necessary.

Chill. You are gonna have a great time changing your life to the better.

Hatzlacha.

Grant

Thank you all very much.

As you are all encouraging, my next step is to find a therapist. I already asked in the other thread and I don't want this to get to confusing so not sure if I should ask again, but i guess I will anyway: any suggestions on how to go about doing this? I have Oxford insurance and I don't think the therapist needs to be local in our current world of telehealth. I emailed the RELIEF resource linked on the side. Anyone have experience with this?

Also, Grant - do you have any recommendations on how exactly to learn these things? I am continuously enamored by how much content is up here. Can you narrow it down a bit to tackle the specific things of learning how to avoid and respond to triggers and the proper mindset about battling lust?