I am in awe of you.
You have been through so much pain and are now confronting it head on.
I myself am engaged in trauma therapy (though  I think from less intense trauma then you), and understand a little bit about the pain and difficulty of the process.

You have a deep desire to be close to God and to do His will, and are going through a difficult and important process.
If I was you, I don’t think I’d want anything to do with anything…

It takes superhuman strength to maintain the mindset that you currently have.
I really hope you don’t go through shaming from your family or community for your current religious state, because no one knows you but God. They don’t understand the scope of your pain.

I am again, in awe of your strength, reaching out for help to deal with your past. It is so so essential to moving forward in judaism and in life.

I don’t have a particular eitza, though I hope I conveyed to you the thoughts in my mind.

Feel free to reach out anytime.

With much admiration,

 YeshivaGuy 

Wow! I cannot really say that I understand your pain. It's way beyond my threshold...
I have no words except you are so brave and courageous for coming out and opening up. 
Here's my take.
The first thing you should focus on is getting 'healthy'. You can ask around here and most people will tell you that if you don't take care of the emotional pain and trauma first, you are fighting an (even more steep) uphill battle.
A lot of people here to varying degrees have 'emotional baggage' and many times that's a big part of where the issue comes from. So good for you that you are taking care of that (through therapy or whatever...) and don't give up because you can do it! And you will do it eventually! 

Hey KS
Welcome.
Wow, you really struck a cord with me.
I was beaten by both my parents, and my mother also had BPD.
I was hit in yeshiva.
And I went off the derech as an older teen.

I am very happy to hear you are in therapy.
As I read through your first post, what stood out most was your relationship (or lack thereof) with your family.  Then you clarified it well in your second post.

I found therapy very helpful.
I learned that I was not the evil person I was made to believe I was.
I learned to separate, to tease out my true self from the bruised mess of a person that came out of my parents' home.  P and M were a place to hide from my pain.  Where I could fantasize about anything and take my mind far away, get high for a while.

Then come down and feel the emptiness of my real life.

I moved out of my parents' home before my 18th birthday and never moved back.  I had ups and downs.  Mostly downs for a long time as I struggled to discover my true self.  And my true potential.

Today, decades later, I can look back and see the loving hand of Hashem guiding me and pulling me through.  Not that I felt at all connected to Him then.  But He was definitely there.  I only see it now.

Send me a PM if you'd like to talk.

Wishing you a very good, sweet year,

Alex

Wow, the pain that you must be going through is unimaginable. I am tearing up just reading through your and Alex's stories. 

It's always interesting to bump into a post that I wrote over a year ago, I usually cringe (I wrote that?!) and wonder what was with me back then. My life is mostly the same, still ups and downs, still going to therapy and still not what I was back then but okay with who I am now.

Although my story is nothing like yours therapy really helped me. I think the most important thing right now is to find yourself a place in your spirituality that you are comfortable with. Rabbi Twerski writes all the time and I think it is relevant here that spirituality can be defined by anything that is uniquely human. Kindness, self control, love, being there for others, working on growth, and doing what you are doing; working on being able to live a healthy and stable life are all things that only humans can do. You may think that the only "spiritual" things you do are kosher and washing your hands in the morning but in reality, every time you choose to live a happier and healthier life you are doing something spiritual. Making choices is spiritual and choosing to break the cycle and take your life back is something to be very proud of. Don't be ashamed, not around here.

If there is one thing in my previous post that I would write again it's that this is a slow and gradual process and skipping steps is like overwatering a plant and drowning it.

AlexEliezer is one of the most inspirational guys on this whole site so I would take his outstretched hand and see if you two can connect. His posts are super powerful and I am sure that reaching out to him will really help share the burden. 

Keep it up and please please please update us more often.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup