You know, I've been super selfish. I've been indulging my animal side, but refusing to let the neshama get any pleasure. So here neshamale, let me make it up to you. Read yeshivaguys latest post. Better? Thought so.

I've been falling over the last few days. And when I do, I tend to avoid GYE. Why? Because I know that if I read a post like that, that I just wouldn't have it in me  to fall.

I have had a more sheltered upbringing then you, No pretty girls around all the time. No interaction with the opposite sex. And I've often thought, 'if I could just be able to be normal around girls, I would be so much better off. Like if I could chill with them, it would make this fight easier, less pent up frustration and feelings of awkwardness. Not everything they would do would drive me up the wall. I woouldn't sexualize every little thing.' Sound familiar? No? Thought not. Cos its the total opposite of what you feel. 

My point is the yetzer convinces us the grass is always greener. You have more interaction with girls, and feel that exasperates the taiva. I have less, and feel the same way.  Whatever our matzav is, that is where Hashem wants us to be. You are in a horrid, taiva filled matzav. So do what you can in that situation, and move on.

A girl who had some of the worst tzoras possible happen to her wrote a letter. She says, 'sometimes in life, when you think you are being buried, you are actually being planted.' In your situation , it seems you can't really avoid seeing this girl. G-d is burying you. Or he's planting you. Your choice.

A final word of warning. Sometimes I feel like there is a specific decision I have to make, and its the key to making or breaking my gadlus. If I don't do this / do do this I will become great. It doesn't work like that. Gadlus is built over time, and with lots successes and failures. All I mean is don't let the yetzer build up this situation into something out of proportion. A pretty girl likes me. I like her, but am not currently dating. That's about all it is. Its a short-term problem. 

Keep it up buddy. Don't tell G-d how big your problems are. Tell your problems how big G-d is.

p.s. There's always another option. Back to the RV!

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 19 Oct 2020 10:19:

This post is Gadlus!

Look at all the thank you's you are getting.  The GYE chevera really respect and appreciate what you are going through.  Just knowing that you have a special group of guys that are behind you and davaning for your success, hopefully should give yo the strength to power through for a few more days until you get to yeshiva.  The fact that you are not embarrassed to write and open up about your struggles will itself be the reason that I am confident that you will win this fight.  

YeshivaGuy wrote on 19 Oct 2020 03:10:

Hey Yeshivaguy

​Before I forgot I wanted to thank you for 2 things. Thank you for giving us so much chizuk, it really pushes us all forward.
Possibly more importantly, thank you for being real. I sugarcoat my posts, try to paint myself in a good light, avoid posting when I'm struggling more. It's very heartening to see that you are willing to share more of your inner world, which I personally identify with, but avoid sharing in this forum, and it gives a sense that we are really all in this together. It takes a lot of strength to write your updates in the heat of the moment.

I relate quite closely to your situation. My parents best friends, who they share a similar background, have 2 girls, one a few weeks older than me, and one a year younger. No prizes if you can guess who we often share family simchas, shabbos or Yom tov meals with, or the first family we saw after lockdown. My struggle around this area goes at least 7 years back to my bar mitzvah, if not longer. It's not always been masturbation, but definitely hirhurim. More recently when it was masturbation, it's often just an excuse to act out and look at porn.
I always wonder if they can see the perveted way I act around them, sneaking in a 2nd, 3rd, 4th look. I guess this could be a bit of a deterrent in the future. For a while I would have daily thoughts, bit it's really bit a healthy place to be.

I'll try share a mindset I hope that I'm trying to develop for myself. Recently I started davening for success in this area, I also started davening for a good wife. It may be a bit early but Hashem's listening. But what I realised is probably far more important, is that I started to daven soon after, to be the best husband and father I can be, and this is not only an area to daven for, but also work on. BH I'm very fortunate to have the opportunity to be in yeshiva, and I really want to use this time, like I'm sure you do, to build a very solid foundation where you can build yourself into the best eved Hashem you can be. We don't know Hashem's plans, it could be to marry a childhood sweetheart, or someone you've never met, but either way your marriage will be enhanced by who you build yourself into over these next few years before your marriage. Build yourself into the best you now, don't get caught up on the details of Hashem's plans.

My best friend is also close family friends with them. I don't want to ruin every shabbos lunch with my best friend, because I thought his wife was the one for me. 
Try avoid fantasies and hirhurim, which will make things much difficult. A long term nisayon given to you from Hashem won't be solved by this one line from a person you don't know, but Hashem wouldn't put you in this situation if you couldn't overcome it. Don't turn up the difficulty unnecessarily, I was there for years, probably still am in some regards, please don't put yourself in this hard situation.

Gonna start to tie this up, I realising that I'm writing this both for me and you.

I'm not sure what you mean that "they are by us"? But if you are leaving for yeshiva soon, maybe politely excuse yourself with the excuse you need to pack and get sorted. Make sure you do have something else to do, and not just act out, I hope it's a shayach suggestion. If not, just be a mensch, and act like she's a kid a year or two below you, or like she's her own younger brother, the sort of kid who you'll speak enough to ask about what subjects they do at school, but won't care enough to ask about much more than just small talk.
Try avoiding persuing anything now, its not going to lead to anything before yeshiva, and don't allow yourself to temp yourself and put yourself into situations where you might be nichshal later on

We're all eagerly following your progress, you've grown a lot recently

Looking_to_Improve

Ps, please reach out if you wanna chat more, I really hope you found this useful, we've found your posts very useful recently.

These guys, Yeshiva Guy and Looking To Improve, writre incredibly well. They must have attended yeshivas with not so typical limudei chol and learned to write intelligently, utilize a solid vocabulary, keep in grammatical guidelines, and most of all - really express their thoughts clearly. Being that part of breaking free is the ability to do so, maybe GYE should open up an English Studies department.... 

EDIT:


But honestly, I’m bummed that I missed the “opportunity”- would’ve been so so geshmak.
I know we’re not supposed to regret doing mitzvos, but it’s just so hard.

Couldve gone on a walk! Uch Oy vey, it kills me.

Im sure under all of this my Neshama is smiling, but currently I feel deprived and annoyed.

May you iyh have the opportunity to take many geshmak walks with your wife when the right time comes. (Somehow in real life there never is time.....)

Taiva now to masterbate.
Such a weird taiva...
The Yetzer is so big yet so small.
Daunting yet fleeting...

Anyway, not giving in. 44 days clean BH

Gn

Pulled through?

Yup ofc!
Im in it to win it!

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Oct 2020 15:40:

YAY!!! The whole פמליא של מעלה is dancing for you now. Stay STRONG!!!

Taiva is strong.
When I see a woman on the street I’m triggered.
But u know, I’m honestly not being nichshal cuz a life without masterbating/watching bad vids, is just way more Geshmak.
I really believe that.
I feel liberated and free.
Though still, there’s strong forces pulling at me to make me fall.
I still haven’t experienced the lower level of taiva that I’ve heard about that happens once u pass a certain threshold.

It’s truly amazing. Can’t believe I’ve been home  for a month and haven’t masterbated or went on YouTube.
Leaving to Yeshiva hopefully tomorrow and latest Friday morning.
Taiva to “chap arain” cuz won’t be home again until Chanuka.
But I really wanna keep strong.

I also haven’t been learning well, going to minyanim etc, this is the only thing I got going for me right now.
And I won’t back down.
Even if I’ve given in in other areas of Avodas Hashem, I will hold on to this inyan.
And this will catapult me back to a place of shteiging in Torah v’Yiras Shamayim.

YeshivaGuy wrote on 21 Oct 2020 21:28:

Remember, there's a difference between being attracted and being triggered. The attraction will never go away. A man is attracted to women. But if we learn how to respond, by not fantasizing and not indulging in second helpings then we can make certain that natural attraction will not morph into a "trigger".

                                  Grant

It’s just that, women are so beautiful. I don’t get it.
Even (especially) if dressed tznius.
I just don’t understand what HaShem expects from us.

Are women meant to not walk outside?
Are men meant to always look down at their shoes? 
Is this a “God made” nisayon? Or a product of society?

Niagara Falls is also beautiful, and so are the Alps, yet no one gets the urge to masturbate when they see these things.

Seriously though, over time it will get easier on the street.

Wilnevergivup