If the length of this post scares you, please, at least read #8.

It was my one year anniversary, ו׳ שבט, from when I broke down crying last year in a Bais medrash while reading first mishna of brachos after having left Yeshiva and not learnt/davened in many months.

You can check my posts from that time.

Oceans of depth and infinite raging volcanoes of emotion below the following words.

I do apologize for the length.

1. Made big fundamental strides in my growth- consulting a special mentor of mine in an area of the country I am not usually in.

2. Then shiksa I met on app a while back living 20min from me who wanted to meet etc messages me late thurs night (though we’d broken off and I deleted number etc).

3. I engage in convo and we decide to “give our relationship another chance.” When I return Monday from my trip.

4. Over Shabbos I battle back and forth between fantasizing about her and choosing life as a Jew.

5. Without divulging too much info here, I appreciated the beauty and depth of Jewish women over shabbos and after conversations with many, discussing what it is I seek, receiving significant and exciting shiduch ideas.

6. After turning on my phone tonight, seeing messages and going back and forth, I said “f*** it” and blocked shiksas number.

7. Feeling amazing, I go to melava malka where aunt/uncle continue hyping up this girl they met and spoke to.

Caveat being, they later tell me, is she doesn’t want someone with mental health problems.

I don’t need everyone to wanna marry me, obviously.

Was just that they hyped her up a lot and said would point her out at melava malka and the excitement majorly fueled the blocking of the number.

8. Obviously there’s more to discuss and look into.

The main mindset shift I’ve experienced in the last 3 hours though is going from “I need a girl pronto- so shiksa,” to “I can ditch shiksa cuz I have a Jew girl here who’s interested in me,” to “I’m an independent person with self worth and don’t need anyone pronto. I will not chase that shiksa nor will I expect any shidduch to be my “quick fix.”’

More to come.

Until then however.

I swear that if I will contact that shiksa and engage in conversation then I will pay $1,000 to Tzedaka.

No exceptions nor room for leeway when coming to such sakanas nefashos mamash mamash.

The severity of this situation is beyond my own comprehension.

I implore you all to hold me to this.

“Watch me as I drain the sea, and show you what it is thats Me.”

YeshivaGuy