Hi there everyone,

I have been a member of GYE for years now but have barely wrote on the forum. I have had my ups and downs and right now its a down. A big down. I feel like I have relapsed to my teenage years. It started with a fall after over 200 days clean. From there I got up and pushed another between 30 and 40 days without it happening again. After the 2nd fall it was another few weeks and I fell twice within 2 days. From there I had a 10 day streak when I again succumbed. Now I have fallen 5 times in the past 10 days about. I am a bachur, single. I feel utterly despondent. My hope is to make it until yeshiva starts up (imy"h normally). I am writing here on the forum to put my story out there as a sense of accountability. I have tried my own personal shvous (knasos taphsic) but have unfortunately this has not been able to stop me. I am now just in debt and afraid to do it again. If anyone has any ideas or just some recognition that they are reading this it would be helpful. I will try to give updates for my own accountability. Hopefully this will get me through the rest of the summer.

All the best

Welcome!  I commend you for working so hard on this while you are a bochur.  Many bochurim assume there is no need to work on these issues, since they are under the false illusion that once they get married, their problems will go away, which is not the case. 

I found that I gained tremendously by participating on the forum.  Whether creating accountability and gaining chizuk as I work through my struggles, as well as giving chizuk to others.  We are all brothers and fighting together.  IM"H, with hard work, you will grow tremendously and be a better person because of what you had to overcome.  Hazlacha! 

Hey there! Welcome! Posting on the forum works wonders even though it's anonymous. Ask questions, give chizuk, get mechuzak, become a part of the family.  Also important is to start the 90 day count were you can update your success and be held accountable accordingly. Looking forward to watching you shteig!

onthewayup wrote on 26 Jul 2020 22:37:

My friend, the only thing that can stop you is you.
With all the tips, tricks and strategies, this is something I constantly remind myself.
Stay strong

Monday-
After a fall. Okay starting now from scratch. Hopefully this time I will get some streak behind me. Nothing seems to work thiugh. I can be shtark in Shul stating I will not fall then when I get home a bit later I'm entrapped again. I pledge to write here every few days as a way of accountability. For those people reading, rebuke me if I fall. This is such a bad addiction. It affects me everywhere. I am sure I am not the first one to come up with this but, porn is prison. Prison has the words is porn in it. Friendships, feeling distant from people, guilty conscience, lack of motivation, headaches, fatigue, wasting time and these are just some of the short term effects. Hell, marriage, future, tainted souls are the ones that should really scare me. But they do not. I guess I have zero yiras shimaim. Or this is a terrible addiction and the brain is wired to crave it under all circumstances. I wish I could become an Amish person for some time. No technology just sit all day and learn and do teshuva. Unfortunately I have work involving a computer so I  cannot do that. I'll be done in like 2 weeks then I should go Amish. Anyway I think I'm done for the day I'll try to post tomorrow and stay clean. All comments welcome.

Jj123 wrote on 27 Jul 2020 05:34:

Why is a filter not an option? Without a filter I don't see how you can expect not to fail... Hashem doesn't expect us to be in situations where it's a lost battle and still win, he requires from is to prevent ourselves from ever being in said unfortunate situations. 

onthewayup wrote on 27 Jul 2020 16:03:

Sounds like you have a good starting plan.  Like any other strategies, it will need to be fine tuned as you go along.

Thats a good chop. I never realized that Prison=Is Porn

Grant400 wrote on 27 Jul 2020 16:49:

I do have a filter but there is a loophole. I am trying to stuff it up but it will take some time. 

@onthewayup


Why do you fall?

There has to be a reason or reasons?

Lust?
Boredom?
Tiredness?
Hunger?
Low self-esteem?
Depression?

If you know why you fall, and what causes you to look at the porn, you can begin to work out how to be clean.

@ColinColin

Yes for sure there are reasons:
For sure lust is one of them. It comes and goes of course. But without an access to a internet device, I do not act on it. Boredom not really. These activities lead to boredom is more likely. Low self esteem and depression is an effect for me more than the initial fall. It could be the reason for later falls after the first one. The other 2 reasons I don't resonate with too much.
Thanks

Hi there everyone,

One day and counting... So as I said, I would write about my experiences as a way of accountability.  So please respond and get me through the next few weeks. Right now, I feel at peace, I do not have so much lust right now and am quite disgusted with porn. I did some thinking and thought why maybe this came upon me. I think it was mida kneged mida for something I said to someone else. I will not go into details but does that make sense? Can sinning and feeling absolutely terrible be a punishment?  I don't know but I think it has something to do with it. Anyway, I know this feeling will not last forever and the urges will come back. Should I make another type of prevention for myself? I am a bit scared of a taphsic shvuah now since I have my debts and do not keep the shvuah as well as I would like to. What else could work? I will be hopefully soon blocking the loopholes on my computer. 
I read in sharei tshuva that someone who doesn't do teshuva when he has the opportunity, his punishment is greater. Where does the teshuva start for this after quitting? I know regret is part of it but how is that practical? I do not think I will stop having desires so it is harder to have regret. I feel like I am just trying not to relapse now, but where is the asay tov and the repentance come in? What can I do that is positive in this regard? Besides that, I want this to be my final relapse ever but it will not happen by just ignoring this issue. Something else will happen in my life and bring back these feelings, and when it comes I want to be ready. So how should I do that, one day at a time? Anyway that is it for now. I hope to elaborate on some of these points in future posts and appreciate everyone comments.

All the best,

Hey,

I was a bochur too when I joined, it was really tough but I put in lots of effort which helped tremendously now that I'm married.

Don't ever give up and use out your unique opportunity you have to fight this whilst your still single. 

Marriage would help only if you give it all you got now which isn't defined by how many days your clean for.

Good luck!

Hi there onthewayup,



I too am a yeshiva bachur, trying to stay clean during these times. Been slipping pretty bad myself recently. Maybe we can help each other.



I may very well be wrong, but I think I heard beshem the chovas halavavos that the regret that comes after the aveira is often just the yetzer hara. He takes the next world from us, and then he doesn't even let us enjoy this world. I'm not saying don't capitalize on it, just that you're right, feeling bad after sinning won't stop you doing it again. And you mention you feel terrible after sinning, but struggle to have regret. Again, could be the same idea.



Maybe our avoda should be to try and learn more about G-d. Shaarei Teshuva says 'to increase in yiras shmyaim a little every day.' To speak to Him more. To build are emunah in Him more. And when we feel the desire, we won't not do the aveira because we don't feel we want to. We won't do it because it takes us from our Hashem. And all we want is to be close to Him. That could be our asay tov avoda. And if we get there, teshuva on the past will be easy.



Wishing you tremendous hatzlocha. Lets fight this fight together.

onthewayup wrote on 29 Jul 2020 03:52:

First off let me start of saying "chazack V'ametz" Stay strong and be courageous. You have the best years of your life ahead of you and it is well worth the investment of fighting the good fight. 

You mention a lot of details and being that I don't know you well enough or what your thought process is (and your struggles) so there is no way that we can give an answer that will fit perfectly for your circumstance. I will start off by saying, keep it simple. Stop worrying if you are doing the right teshuvah, or enough teshuvah. Teshuvah is a basic, Recognizing your mistake and why it is wrong, admission and then take steps to fix it. Remember it is not realistic to think that teshivah must mean that you stop 100%. Hey if you can that would be great but your body and brain has been conditioned to look/lust after this pleasure and since you are at a stage in your life where you don't have a healthy outlet to fill that urge, you have quite a fight ahead of you. So the fix is to find a plan that can help you push off this pleasure until you are at a point where you can indulge in it in a kosher and productive manner. Also now is the  time to think of ways to help supplement the future you when you have the "release" and to not slip in negative behaviors. (Marriage helps a lot but is not the fix) 

Next....I think you have to take in account, the desires that you have and will have does not contradict the teshuvah you are working on . As long as you are not allowing yourself to fantasize in great detail that is not the sin. The sin is acting on it by either fantasize/plan the action or engaging in the act itself. You are human and it will be natural that the urge is going to come up again and that is normal. As long as you are willing to attempt to push off the instant gratification that this desire will give you for the more beneficial spiritual one can give you, each moment of the fight is reward in the mitzvah account.  Then, if chas v'shalom you do slip at a later date,  you pick yourself up and try again and remember the past cycle was not in waste. 

How to move forward? Well there is no one fix but the main thing is to keep thinking outside the box and to try to not let your guard down. Where are you most likely to stumble?  Is it the shower? Try timing yourself so that there is no time to slip up. Is it late at night? Then before you go to bed do something that will make you tired and fall asleep faster. On the computer? Then before you log on make a list of what you are looking to do. Don't channel surf. If you are looking up d'var Torah then focus on that and just that. Looking up sport scores, weather, or any other distraction, then make a list of what you want to do and stick to the list then shut off the computer when done. 

As I finish up, I hope that this was somewhat helpful, and even if not, you should know that you are not alone and we are all rooting for you.