As others have written, stick to the clearly defined "falls guidelines" from GYE. It spares you nerve wracking thoughts of "Did i fall or not?" As far as how to proceed, have you spoken with anyone real? A rebbi? therapist? GYE fellow?

Firstly, thank you lionking and Dave for your responses.

My question about labeling this a fall wasn't just semantics. It was more a psycological thing - if i don't truly feel like I fell then its easy for the yetzer to say 'well, you've already fallen, might as well do it again (like lionking mentioned.) But if I have fallen, it feels dishonest to pretend that not. In all likelihood I'm overthinking this, so I won't worry at the moment.

As for what to do in the morning, that will be the challenge. I'm hitting bein hazamanim, which is always the hardest time, and it means the struggle is all day. I have ideas on what to do, so we'll see how it goes, and I'll keep updating. The idea of a vow (for TaPHSIC) terrifies me, so its sort of a last resort if all else fails.

And Hashem Help Me, thank you for your suggestions. I've spoken to a rebbe, and reached out to a GYE member. I also recently joined the partner program, we'll see what happens from there,

Thank you all. Hatzloch and Beracha.

Thank G-d not fallen yet. Hope alls well with everyone else.

Mazal tov on 3 weeks!!! Thanks for making "Kin'as sofrim tarbeh chachma"! Keep updating! 

P.S. "Not fallen yet"....a little too pessimistic...Thank Gd pure as can be!!!

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 02 Aug 2020 11:04:

Please do not use the word "yet". It sounds like you chas v'shalom expect to fall. Instead "Thank G-d, clean and moving ahead with His help!"

Mazel Tov on 3 weeks!! Keep on trucking!!

Hey ITK! It looks like you snuck into someone else's thread to admit you fell.   Don't hide from us, share what's going on, what happened and why you think you fell. We can help you fix it you just gotta ask. We are here for you in your ups AND downs! 

Remember you can't fall,
without first being tall.
You only landed on the floor,
because you started to soar,
one cannot have hit his head,
if he would've stayed in bed,
you wouldn't have a bruise, 
if you would've grabbed a snooze. 
Sincerely, 
           Dr. Seuss

Grant. Thank you. Just thank you for your support.

I'll update the full story tomorrow. I've been pushing it off, partly because I'm embarrassed, partly because i'm in a bit of a pit. 
But ITK, you've held off the last few days right? So how do I know you won't go back into hiding? How do I know your 'I'll do it tomorrow' is different this time?
Because I owe it to Hashem, and you guys, and myself (and now my new partner.) And because you guys will spam my inbox if I don't write up the story of my last few days tomorrow!

Thank you for the support all.

p.s. sorry Meyer, I'd already fallen when I got your message, sorry to disappoint. But the chizuk's still great, I'll keep on trucking. NO MATTER WHAT!!! 

O.k. Here's the story. Not so much to tell.

I started slipping a few days ago. Not great images, other bits and bobs. Not real falls, no masturbation or porn or intentional nudity, just not the cleanest places. Intentional slips. Look its not a fall right? Can't be so bad! But you play with fire, you're gonna get burnt, and I slipped more and more until I fell. And once I fell, I got stuck in the hole and loop of constant falling. 
One of the worst falls I've had in a while. I haven't seen porn in really quite a long time, but I slipped a little into that as well.

How I'm going to stop myself in the future. Well, I've filled out one of the worksheets on whats important in life, (funny how P&M, which I spend so much time doing, didn't make the list, just like the sheet says! Ironic, no?)  I've also added (I think I saw this somewhere) about how P&M interferes with said things. (Again, interesting how it interferes with so many of the things I hold most dear, and yet I do it anyway. Hats off to the yetzer hara, say what you want about him, but he does a good job.)

Next, I'll bli neder continue to update on this site. I can go on for a bit each morning and update, maybe write on other forums as well. 

I want to change my attitude. As I said, I want to switch from a 'I'll start tomorrow, to a  'just today.' So even though I feel, even now, under some lust, I'll say 'no. Just today you're staying clean.'
A quick question about the one day at a time method. Do you tell yourself I will fall tomorrow, just not today, or I can fall? Because if I do the latter, often I know that really I'm going to fight tomorrow as well, and then its no longer one day at a time. But if I do the former, I run the risk of allowing myself to fall, because 'you deserve it, you held off yesterday after all!

Thanks again for all the support. May Hashem give us all strength to do His ratzon and make Him happy.

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 06 Aug 2020 10:51:

Great attitude!  Keep on fighting and I'H you will be successful.  Life is a journey with its ups and down.  So maybe you took a step backwards, but now you'll take 2 steps forward. 

Welcome back! What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Now to your question: 

Quantum physics. String theory. One day at a time. Body wash vs. soap bar. All complex subjects with an overdose of confusion.

Take a look at the thread in the 12 steps forum called: One day at a time- what does it really mean? It might clarify or just confuse even more.

The way I understand it is like this:

1) It does not mean to delude yourself. It does not mean to say let me fight just today, for surely I can hold off one day, and continue to reenact this daily. Who are we fooling like you wanted to know. 

2) ODAAT means that we don't allow the past and the future to impact and influence today's thinking. Doing so is weighing factors that don't exist in today's reality. It was yesterday's and tomorrow's reality, but not today's. Fear and guilt can color today but truthfully, only exist in the persons mind. We think exclusively for today. If a person starts to ponder upon streaks, numbers, past falls and future struggles that can inevitably influence today's decision negatively.

3) ODAAT: We should be clean FOR today. Not for tomorrow or next year. Of course our goal is a pristine future but that's not why I should be clean today. Today is for today only.

4) Of course we think about the past and future, we can even plan for it but it shouldn't be the focus.

5) Dov: It means to surrender today. Not resist today.

6) ODAAT: The point is to be such a complicated subject that we should dissect and discuss it so much we won't have time for acting out.

                                Grant

Woah. I thought it was a simple question, I had no idea it was so complicated. I suppose I'll have to think about it some more. Thanks for the answer. And thanks for the maareh makom.

O.k. Thank G-d, not fallen yet (see, I do listen to you guys.) Hatzlocha to all.

By the way, I've always used liquid hand soap (until corona.). Friends in yeshiva thought it was weird.

Wait. Liquid hand soap instead of body wash? Like, in the shower?!?

Grant400 wrote on 09 Aug 2020 01:57:

Not just my yeshiva friends, it would appear.

Baruch Hashem, all going well. Lets have a good day.

Im Tevakshena Kakasef wrote on 05 Aug 2020 22:45:

No problem, we are still cheering you on!