O.K. So this is it folks. I suppose its goodbye, maybe for a long time.

Its kinda sad to do this, but I won't have access to internet in yeshiva, so this is the last opportunity. I don't know any of you guys, but we share a common goal. A goal of breaking free, regaining purity and freedom. A lofty goal to be sure, but a doable one. We can do it.

So, I fell twice tonight. Not the goodbye gift I would love to leave you guys, but I was weak. As such, I start yeshiva with a streak of zero. According too the counter, I'm back to where I started. A failure.

But that's not entirely accurate. The counter doesn't show the wellspring of inspiration and knowledge I've gained in the last 6 months. It doesn't show the struggle, the fights where I won. It doesn't show the streak of over a month, nor the smaller enduring victories. And it doesn't show how I feel now.

While in yeshiva, someone saw me learning a lot (I can be quite the masmid.). He came over, and asked me what my motivation was. Why did I do so much, try so hard? I couldn't answer him at the time, and I've left it unanswered. But now I need to figure it out myself.

I want to sit with a pad and paper and just think. Think of what it is I want. Weigh the pros and cons, but genuinely, not in the 'I know p&m suck, and G-d rocks, so I choose Him' way, but a 'I have 2 equal options. Lets weigh the pros and cons.' And when I make a decision, with clarity of mind, I want the answer to the above boys question to be 'I'm not motivated at all. But I made a decision about what I want in life. And come what may, I'm gonna stick to it.'

In yeshiva, the fight isn't over. I need to struggle not to masturbate, nor fantasize. This isn't me hiding from the fight totally. I'm still with you guys.

Thank you all for the help, encouragement and guidance you've given me. There are too many names to mention individually, but from the bottom of my heart I thank you all. I wish you a future filled with beracha and hatzlocha. May we all merit that all the berachos in the torah should be fulfilled with us, and that we may continue to give the nachas ruach to Hashem that I know he gets from us.

We’ll miss you.
Hatlocha! Keep in touch

We're going to miss your beautifully written masterpieces! You add so much intelligence and positive emotion to the family. Thank you!

Hatzlacha on the zman. May it be a zman of aliyah in torah and kedusha. Make us proud, make Klal Yisrael proud and most of all, make yourself proud! 

                                   Grant

P.S. I can't wait for your first post on your next off shabbos about how long you've been clean for! Keep us posted! 

I really hope @ETK visits us this off Shabbos.
Cant wait to see how he’s doing

YeshivaGuy wrote on 06 Dec 2020 06:00:

Seems like we’re gonna have to wait until Pesach

Spotted!! Our dear friend ITK has returned. Reb Yid, how are you doing? 

Where'd this guy go?!? I miss him!

We really miss you here. Please come back and say hello over bein hazmanim…(I know your still around-your last login was two weeks ago…)

hey just read thru this thread, would love to see it active again.

the new guy
p.s. those few lines in your signature (or whatever those light gray letters are under a lot of peoples post) is the screensaver on my phone nowadays 

pasteboard.co/KjayBLU.png
pasteboard.co/KjayV4y.png

Hey ITK,
We miss you terribly over here. Hope you can come back and update us soon...