I had a very troubling thought this morning. I was thinking, or should I say I wasn't thinking rather my Y"H stole the mic in my brain and was proclaiming loudly, listen, you are 140 days in, you know you could do it again, you know you could get up right after a fall, just do it, just once. I am telling you you will be fine afterwards, you will get back up, just do it.

Now just typing this feels idiotic and stupid, but I can't figure out how to counter this. What, I should tell him back, "no i will fall multiple times and not get another streak?!" Really? No way!

I know, I have to make a new goal of 150 or 180 days, don't worry I have, but I really, really, really, don't actually care about a streak.

I really have to review my "why" I guess.

At this stage I don't have "urges" as much, instead I just get curious, my Y"H tells me, what do you think, is this thing still there? or you think that other thing still looks like that? You know all this time clean they mike look like trees to you, it can't hurt to just make sure....

Now one thing I do know is that this only happens when I am bored. I need to have something to do when I am bored. 

Today I had a struggle that b"h ended pretty quickly. I was able to start my workout and b"h that made me feel much better.

Thanks for hearing me out.

Wilnevergiveup

wilnevergiveup wrote on 07 Sep 2020 19:23:

Excuse my very blunt and slightly prust response (my intention is to be clinical)

Tell that yetzer hara, "No, why in the world should i do it? That last second of the point of no return, when one is supposed to feel immense pleasure, i will be desperately trying to stop it from coming out and not enjoying anything. All i will have is a sticky and soft penis to clean up, along with a sick feeling in my stomach".

Hatzlocha buddy. B'ezras Hashem you are doing great.

Thanks HHM for that, You always put it best. I think that's exactly what I needed to hear.

I think I am going to start posting more often on my own thread, as I see the fight is hardly over. I am in a much better place now but I am still fighting. I know that I cannot let my guard down and that I need to continue to grow in this area, as they say, "if your not climbing your falling" and I feel in my case, this to be a reality. 

I hope to gain by posting and sharing my struggles to be more in touch with myself as well as to hear from the olam here.

Wilnevergiveup

Not doing once isn't to hold back ruining your streak, your streak is meant to hold back not doing it once.

My point is, it's not about being able to get right back up and create another streak. Its about never falling. Because the falling is what's wrong, not the messing up of a streak.

Grant400 wrote on 08 Sep 2020 13:05:

I think I am past it by now but my issue was, that in my head.....

You know what, it really doesn't make any sense, but it really did at the time...

Whatever...

Hi guys,

I would like to be makir tov to GYE and the amazing chevra here, who with Hashem's help guided me along my journey and for the first time in a really long time I will be"h come into Rosh Hashana with some self respect. I am thank G-d 152 days clean, a feat that I thought was impossible not so very long ago.

Rosh Hashanah in the past has been high stress (I think many can relate) and I don't see this year being better. That being said, in the past I would struggle immensely and white knuckle this whole tekufa, feeling like a martyr demanding from Hashem "look how I am suffering for you, you better give me something in return". Thank G-d I am in a better place this year. 

With Hashem's help may us all fellow GYEers have a kesiva vechasima tovah and much success on their journeys.

Wilnevergiveup

I think you can still tell Hashem and you should how much you are suffering for Him. Nothing wrong with that. But in a grown up way. 
I say "Hashem, please know how much I struggled this year and it was all for you. I wish i would have been better and i promise you that I will be better this coming year, with your help. I need your help, you see im all in and i want to win this battle for you. But i really need your help" 

It makes me feel very close to Hashem to talk like this and it comes from the depth of my heart since im sure he wants nothing more then to help me and I dont feel like a beggar since this is His will that we are fighting for.

I just had a fall, quite humbling to see that chart at 0 again.

This journey ain't over fellas.

It's amazing thinking how far I have come and so strange that I only truly grasp this after a fall.

I was at 172, hope to see you again in another 172 days!

I am just laughing how sometimes we ask people here, how long is your streak, sometimes even if the answer is really low they could be coming off a nice long one.

For me B"H it's not about the streak, and this fall has taught me an important lesson. Number one I need to be extra vigilant when I have lots of time on my hands and am not keeping busy and productive (bein hazmanim, basically) but really what I need to work on more is something that I have started to be a little lax on and that is that nothing is going to happen if I "deprive" myself of this pleasure or any pleasure for that matter.
Over Y"T I found myself lax in my diet too as well as some other areas and for me they all go hand in hand, either my mindset is strong about saying no to my desires or it's weak.

I really need to work on my self control in general. The truth is that I have grown a lot in this area over the last half a year but lately have been lax.

Something that scares me a little is that I really have been sleeping for the last week and and change. When I am focused I can do whatever it is that I really want to but sometimes I just stop thinking and put myself on cruise control, my cruise control is to run after pleasure.

I guess whenever I am cruising I can be sure that I will stumble, so I've got no make sure not to give up control, no driverless cars for me.

I have been learning daily mussar and it has helped me tremendously and this is another thing that I have been lax about during bein hazemanim, I don't think it's a coincidence.

This is a wake up call, hey you! Wake up! Look what happens when your sleeping!

Why I can only wake up with a fall beats me but thank G-d at least that I can do.

I need to wake up, take control of my life and run it the way I really want to (or just plain run it and not get run over by my desires).

Ramchal writes in Mesilas Yesharim that when we are focused it's very hard for the Y"H to get us to sin, that's why one of the Y"H's greatest tricks is to make us lose focus, like Pharoh did to the Jews in Mitzrayim. He knew that they were able to revolt so he worked them so hard that they had no time to think about it. So I guess to sum it up, the goal now is to figure out how to stay focused.

For a fleeting moment I feel like falling again, but as I am writing this I am strengthening myself that I will not die, it will be okay, I am in this world for less selfish things then this.

Really random but I was just thinking, is there anything more selfish then this? Can anyone think of anything else? 

I know I have to restart my mussar seder but does anyone have any other ideas how to stay focused?

Perhaps post more on my own thread?

All the best.

Oh and I forgot the most important part, I will post again tonight with the good news that I did not have multiple falls today just to chap arein.

I would love to hear from you guys.

I'm really sorry to hear about your fall, but what you wrote is an incredible perspective and demonstrate that this is only a small bump is your journey of life.  The fact that you only fell once and did not "chap arein" is the biggest proof to the sustained growth you experienced over the past half year.  You are one of the most inspiring members in GYE and I hope to continue to read your amazing posts. 

Okay guys, day one clean.

I am not going to lie, it was rough to stay clean, after all I had nothing to lose...

The whole day yesterday was really strange, everything and anything was a trigger that sent my mind wandering. It literally felt like trying to stuff a monster into a cardboard box. I went to the supermarket and found myself helplessly gazing and and fantasizing in a way that I haven't done in a really long time.

It was rough, the whole day I just wanted to do the deed again, but alas I (the real me) prevailed. No extra indulgence, no chaping arain, it's hard but I do realize what the goal is and how that would make reaching it that much harder.

All the best and a gutten kvittel

wilnevergiveup wrote on 09 Oct 2020 03:11:

Hey long time no talk, stay strong and be YOU. Your a chizuk to all of us and one fall isnt gonna change that. Keep pounding and inspiring! 
Hatzlacha!

Days 2 and 3,

Climbing this mountain one day at a time.

Yom Tov prep was hectic and busy so that's good. Yom to was nice and b"h things are starting to stabilize a little.

Some struggles here and there but for the most part, was okay.

That's it for now, see you guys again tomorrow.

Day 4, (I am all mixed up with the days, whatever...)

Day 4 clean.

Something I've been thinking about is how much I've been thinking about acting out lately. How many times in the last week I've had to tell myself, no, you are better then this. It's amazing how giving in one time can make the struggle that much harder. I going through this week what I haven't gone through in the last two months.

Wow, one fall, and I thought that if I only give in this once it would be easier...
What one fall can do (or perhaps my being lax caused the fall but either way) you give in and you just lost that much. It's not about schar or aveiros or about how long my streak was, cuz I just wanna be clean and with all the schar and all the proud Hashem's and all, all I want is to be clean and now I am suffering, suffering because I gave in.

I guess those Rabbi's knew what they were saying, "feed it and it's hungry, starve it and it's satisfied" (too lazy to look it up right now...).

P.S. I never did daily posts here but the truth is that I keep a diary of my thoughts on a google docs sheet. I am thinking about starting to keep a daily log here too. My thoughts can be quite random and senseless (in my diary I just type and over time somethings form into something sensible) I try to post relatively understandable ideas so we'll see if I can come up with something sensible on a daily basis (at least for the next little while).

Hi willnevergiveup,

Sorry to hear about your fall. I have to apologize for not knowing earlier. I actually didn't know which thread was yours, but BH it seems I've found it now.

I don't have much to add, but boy do I have a lot to learn, and I find you to to be a fountain of knowledge, with a true torah perspective. Sounds super flowery, but I'm serious that your posts are intelligent and well written. So my posting here has a dual function - it allows me to show support, and allows me to easily go back to this page, so I learn more and more.

Thanks for all the work you do around GYE. Stay strong, and keep on living up to your username.