I had a thought this past Shabbos (probably heard it or read it somewhere but I don't remember), after Moshe pleads with Hashem to let him into E"Y, Hashem replies רב לך, you have enough. Rashi in the second pshat explains that there is enough waiting for you in olam habah. 
Now this is very difficult to understand because as the meforshim explain, the reason Moshe wanted to go into E"Y so badly was because he wanted to become closer to Hashem. He wanted to have the opportunity to do the mitzvos hateluyos ba'aretz but what he really wanted was to build the Beis Hamikdash in Yerushalayim, where the ultimate connection with Hashem in this world is.
So Moshe begs and Hashem says don't worry you have enough in the world to come. The question is that Moshe wasn't serving Hashem for the reward, rather all he wanted was to become closer to him so what kind of answer is it that there is enough reward waiting?

Perhaps what Rashi is telling us is a major lesson. All Moshe wanted was to because closer to Hashem and that is manifested by the ultimate closeness in this world, building the Beis Hamikdash. When he is denied that he begs (so much that Hashem had to tell him to stop otherwise he would be "forced" to listen) out of desperation. What Hashem answers back is "you think that the ultimate closeness is to do "x", "y", "z"? No, the ultimate closeness is to do my will and to fulfill your purpose in this world." Hashem was telling Moshe, rav lach that your purpose in this world has been fulfilled (doesn't happen to most of us) and it does not include going into E"Y, therefore doing that is not going to bring you closer to me because that is not your tafkid. That's what it means "you have enough" your reward is at it's max meaning you are the closest you can get.

This thought was a very important lesson to me. Sometimes we try so hard to be better, to become closer to Hashem and things just don't work out. You work so hard on tefillah betzibur only to get locked at home during corona. You finally commit to get a kosher phone and the service doesn't work. You cry out to Hashem "Why? Why are you doing this to me? I just want to become close to you?"
The answer is we don't get to choose how to become close to Hashem. Yes, it would seem that the generic way of avodas Hashem is the obvious choice but the reality is, we become close to Hashem by overcoming the challenges that he tailor makes for us.

I read through most of your thread and I am on the verge of tears. I am so proud of you/happy for you. I want this so badly. SO badly. And I am so thrilled to hear that reaching this milestone is possible. You are so amazing and Hashem should help you continue in this way and live a clean life forever. tzaddik atah. wow. 

Great post! The Lubavitcher Rebbe talks extensively about that. Even avodas Hashem could be selfish if one is "trying to get closer to Hashem". Our service should be doing His will and not trying to derive benefit from it, even if spiritual benefit. Accepting our type of avodas Hashem is a great step. Big shkoiach!!

Wow, just read through your thread. You have done an amazing job to reach where you have, keep it up. 
I think grant400 wrote a perspective which I found useful, I'll try send it if i can find it

Edit:












I found this to be a good perspective, I need to implement it more, but overall I think it's a healthy perspective on the topic.

Looking_to_improve wrote on 14 Aug 2020 10:15:

Great idea. Gave it a go here and it is very helpful. 

This works well for me at least when it comes to live people who I know.

Kinda useless with stuff on the web though where everything is fake anyway.

I like to imagine how they are when they are bratty, hormonal, pregnant or even better, all three. Even the prettiest girl is no fun to be around in that state. 

I am not sure if this can be relied on but in circumstances where I don't have a choice like sister-in-laws, wife's friends, sister's friends etc. I find it very helpful.

I used to get excited when my wife went out (oooh now I have some time without being afraid of getting caught). 

Now I freak out when my wife leaves me home alone (oh no! how am I going to get through this).

That being said, Home alone now and struggling a little. Decided to post here for some accountability, planing on going out for a bike ride soon so hopefully everything will be fine.

Good news coming soon (hopefully).

Wilnevergiveup

There is something about knowing that your wife wont be home for the next five hours that is really difficult. Like everything I know and want is just less relevant. 

Now I know that I am not going to fall (only because I am here posting) but I am just thinking, why does this make any sense?

I am almost 120 days clean, I know I don't want to, I why I am fighting, so what happened?

As I am typing I think I figured it out. 

The Y"H told me when my wife left "quick before she comes back, don't even think twice, this is an opportunity not to be missed! You are never going to get this chance again!" 

LIES! LIES! LIES! 

It's all one big lie! nothing is going to happen to me if my wife comes back and I remained loyal to her, myself and to G-d. Absolutely nothing! 
There is no opportunity and I will not miss anything. It's just a trick, to get me to act before I think. And thanks to GYE and the forum I am trying to do a little thinking before acting.

Thanks for listening,
Wilnevergiveup

Had a nice bike ride and B"H feel much better now.

#SupportChaiLifeline

wilnevergiveup wrote on 16 Aug 2020 12:46:

Beautiful!

120 days!

It's important for me to realize that the fight is not over, but it is much easier. I more or less know my triggers and I learned yesterday then when faced with an "opportunity" it can throw me really of guard. When I am pushing, pushing, pushing, I am braced for almost anything but when I am  so far into the game and really am pretty much in control these things really throw me off guard.

Looking back, I think this is actually what caused my last fall (leaving open an app that I usually only have open when my wife is around).

Anyway kol tuv everyone, hope you all have a really nice day.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Yesterday's chizuk broadcast video really speaks to me. If you didn't watch it yet, here is the link https://gye.vids.io/videos/ac9cd6bc1a1ee6c225/rothschild-mp4 .

Thank you GYE.

trying613 wrote on 05 Jul 2020 02:58:

 I just saw this post on a different forum and this was my response. I think it's worthwhile to share it here as well, to give a different angle on the matter. 

I know you posted this a wile ago and you've built up quite a streak since then but you must know that there is no sin that you cannot do teshuva for. Some are harder to atone for then others but there is no one who does sincere teshuva and it's not accepted.

Hashem doesn't "have it in for anyone". Hashem is not this evil devil with an deathly laugh that smirks as he sends his charges off to hell.

I am sorry but that's just not a Jewish approach. If someone does imply this, it's most likely influenced by the "heaven and hell" of Christianity.

As Jews We view Hashem as רצונו יתברך להיטב, Hashem created the world to bestow goodness, that is his purpose, not to punish us. It's Hashem's greatest desire for us to return to him, and there is nothing that we can do to change that לא יחפוץ במות המת כי אם לשוב מדרכו וחיה (or something like that, Yechezkel somewhere, I have to look it up).

Hashem lives us every breath is a gift, every beat of your heart is undeserving. Chovos Halevavos (sha'ar 4 perek 4, and other places) says that even if ones good deeds were as numerous as the sand of the sea, they would not be equal to even one of the favors of Hashem. Our very existence, the creation of the world, is a favor from Hashem.
If Hashem didn't want our teshuva and didn't judge us with rachamim we would cease to exist! No slow painful death here, rather complete nonexistence.                            POOF!

I feel a lot of people don't get this and I feel especially before Rosh Hashana we should understand this a little.

140 days!!!

With Hashem's help, and of course all you guys, I am here today.

Still struggle from time to time, coming here really helps but when all is said and done, I know that it's really up to me. If I pursue it GYE won't stop me, only I can.

I used to think that when I struggled there was only one way for it to end the question was just how long I would be able to hold out.

Now, although the fight is not easy, I realize that there is a another way for it to end. 

I still find myself in dangerous situations and I have to grow and work on this but they are significantly fewer then before.

I am learning that when they come I have to be calm (no freak out, "here we go again...") and tell myself firmly, there are two ways for this to end, one is easy and painless (not going to say feels good because even then I know how awful it is after) and the other is difficult and painful. I will choose the difficult one because my life depends on it. There is no other choice, the other one is really death for me, it will cause me to have 3 days that I can't look at myself or my wife. Three days where I feel like there is nothing I can do to fix myself, like I am a hopeless hunk of flesh obsessed with satisfying my own desires without any regard to others. 

It has to be as strong as steel, I love my life right now and I know that I will hate my life after a fall and I have to say, it's much more pleasant to love your life then to hate it. I spent a large chunk of my adult life hating it, and I'm finished. 

I am growing, I am staying clean, I am trying to become a different person, one who lives a life of עשה רצונו כרצונך, a life where I have the ability to choose to do what I really want and not be forced to follow my physical desires.

I want to be able to choose. Doing whatever I desire is not called being able to choose. That's called being controlled by my desires. If every struggle ends with choosing the easier option, is that really called doing what I want? It's not called making a choice if the other option is not even a choice.

I daven every day that Hashem should help me in my struggles, but also for me to be more grateful and appreciative of my family. They don't deserve a husband/father, like myself preGYE, and with Hashem's help, I can be a decent one now that I have had a techiyas hameisim. 

May Hashem grant us all the ability to become better people by making the changes we need to make that will allow Hashem to pour over his siyata dishmaya.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup