Zman started, extremely busy, no time to post. Thank G-d for that.

Still going strong.

All the best,
Wilnevrgiveup

Hi wilnevergiveup ,
I can really relate. I don't have any major insight just want to share
my story it is very similar ( at least at this point in my life. started much earlier than you.... like when I was 9....) I learnt in a top Kollel for 7 years,  for the last few years  i have been a Rebbi .
I can get between 25-90 days maybe 120 days  clean then I fall again , again and again. at times I feel guilt and depression and at times hopeless. 
Its painfull , I feel like I am a faker. At other times I remember each victory is something. 
thanks for sharing and listening

Roadtorecovery wrote on 22 Oct 2020 02:04:

Why do you feel like a faker?

I don't, I feel like a guy who tries his best and is extremely successful.

Oh and I struggle too, but don't we all? Why should that make me a faker?

That is unless you are one (meaning you haven't broken out of the double life yet)...

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Roadtorecovery wrote on 22 Oct 2020 02:04:

Getting to a level that you only act out a few times a year takes a lot of hishtadlus. Why do you consider yourself a faker? By the way, have you tried having an accountability partner?

Hi everyone, day 15, been busy all week and that's not a bad thing. 
Beginnings of zmanim are always a time that I think about all the master plans that I had for myself that I failed to achieve and to create further unattainable goals to overcome this terrible feeling of guilt which would then result in... you get the point.

Well lo and behold, one day this week these thoughts started sneaking into my head and before I knew it I was feeling like a failure for not doing some of the things I had planned. 
This is after I just had an amazing day in Yeshiva, learned well, davened well, the works.

I was tempted to turn to my old "system overhaul" method when I remembered about a post that someone wrote not so long ago on the thread Make it to Yeshiva.

Turns out I need to take a healthy dose of this medicine too.

B"H after I took my "medicine" I am feeling much better.

It's amazing how when we fill our day with learning, it's just a different ballgame. I just saw a really nice pshat in this from Rav Dessler and am planning on posting it in my Daily Dose of Clarity thread sometime soon.

Wilnevergiveup

Nice to see someone living the advice they recommend others. It makes what you say feel genuine - you know where we are coming from, and you're working on it to. 

So thank you.

The Y"H is giving me a run for my money, not by throwing triggers my way but by making my lie difficult in general. When things don't work out how I planned, I have a very hard time getting back on my feet.

I am working on a certain area of growth and made a very precise plan on how I am to achieve this and nothing seems to be working out.

I know that the nisayon is to get back to the plan when things settle down, but this is always my struggle. I have a record of forgetting about all my plans as soon as there is a small bump. Its so hard for me to remotivate myself after I am forced to abandon my plans for one reason or another.

I guess at least I know what I have to change. My work is cut out for me, now I have to make sure to do it. 

In other news, doing well struggle wise, just have to keep my emotions in check because that is a major trigger.

All the best,
Wilnevergiveup

Deleted

Demolished wrote on 27 Oct 2020 13:03:

If עברית is your first language, please share in עברית , many of us speak/understand it.

.

Demolished wrote on 27 Oct 2020 16:01:

On my thread you are welcome to write in Yiddish as long as you don't use too many fancy words.

Also, any English words that are yiddishified you have to write in English, it always takes me forever to figure out that they are actually English words... 

Otherwise the floor is yours.

איז נישט דא קיין שאלה! זיכער מיר רעטד אידיש!

אבער צו ליינין דאס טאקע נעמט צייט!

In GYE we speak the language of the heart. The oilam will understand you. By thw way it seems you did know how to spell demolished!  

נו וואס זאגסט דו, רעטד שוין, מיר אלעה וארטען פאר דיר!