Maybe call somebody to talk out the details.

was in a good zone for a few days. had a stupid fall today, which is obviously really annoying. My approach is going to be to not try to keep myself in the same zone as I was pre-fall. I think a lot of times when I fall, I bring myself mentally to a lower level, and once I am at this lower level, why not just fall again. But I am going to try to have the attitude that I am still at this high pure level, just had a little blip for a second. Hopefully Bezras Hashem this should help bring success in this battle. 

Just had a stupid fall. Didn't need to happen. Just kind of let myself into it without much of a pushback. 

I think the reason I didn't really have the motivation to pushback is because I've been kind of down lately. Many aspects of my life have not been going well/how I planned them to go.  

But that is not up to me. That is up to Hashem. What is up to me is how I can serve him even in the tough times. I am making a statement now for myself that I am not going to let these hard times stop me. I am going to continue to work hard, and I am going to continue to try to grow in my service to Hashem-  that is really all there is for me to do. 
I don't know when, but I am confident that things will be looking great again soon- before I know it. 

Have a wonderful Chanuka! May the light of this holiday put within us the true light that will keep us going for the whole year to come!

Just had a bad day. Fell twice and watched real "shmutz" today. First time I have done that in awhile. 

Anyone have advice how to stop sliding down to a worse place. 

I was so good for a couple of years. Constantly would have streaks months long. Now, for the last year or so I have been so bad. It is specifically annoying because I always said I wanted to be super clean by the time I get to my wedding, and that was always the goal.  I don't know when that will be, but I would hope for it to be sometime soon. 

Now as I continue on in shiduchim I keep getting worse and worse. I also feel like I am "ruining" my siyata dishmaya in shiduchim, I have been doing bad so I feel like I am not going to get special siyata dishmaya that I would if I defeated my yetzer hara, which definitely makes me very sad. I could really use the siyata dishmaya right now- lol, but I don't even feel like I deserve it (Doesn't help that my learning hasn't been too stellar either recently) 

If someone could give some words of encouragement or advice it would be greatly appreciated because I could really use it. 

Thank You!!

Hi Struggling jew, I have not read your thread, so if things are not relevant to you just skip it. 

first of all, i would like toto disagree, I dont think we loose our siyata dishmaya when we fall. It's a struggle we did not choose, its something we are trying to work on, and that's all what hashem wants from us! We aren't bad, nor do we wanna do bad stuff, we were given this struggle, most of us before we realized that it is wrong, and hashem knows all of this.... he loves us, and cherishes our hard work, even when when we fall.

regarding how to get yourself up- can you identify what triggered you? Are you stressed, anxious etc? I know shidduchim can be a hard parsha... if we can identify the underlying triggers, we can try to work on that and be mindful of what's really bothering us. 

hope this helps a bit, dont get down on yourself, be proud of your hard work, and know that hashem is proud too!  

Sapy wrote on 14 Dec 2021 02:34:

i'm not into what hashem wants or doesn't want and how he feels and when he gives you something special, but i am into the truth (certainly the way i see it); that may pick someone up and may not.

whatever siyata dishmaya means - if someone does something wrong, there is punishment in this world. he may have a harder life because of it. while it's true that all he wants from us is "to try" (as results are in his hand), he wants us to try our damndest. are we bad? therapists and dbt may say that we are doing bad stuff, but we are not bad; that also depends on lots of things, for eventually we may become bad. do we wanna do bad stuff? some of us yes, some of us no. do we wanna do bad? probably not for most of us.

i would agree that you should not get depressed and continue working, and i wish you the best shidduch for you as well.

in nauru - not depressed - do i feel good that i'm on my 5th day "clean" (from websites and hence masturbation as well, for i don't masturbate myself any longer)? somewhat. do i feel bad that i don't feel even better than that? no. 

time to head to sleep here; for those of you who are still fasting, have a meaningful one (and you can be thankful that you don't live here for today, for our sunset is at least two hours after yours).

I just read a lot of this, sounds like your an addict honestly I’m in SA and clean since June 15 2020 it’s not the yetzer harah if your an addict it’s much deeper and you don’t have to fight it anymore like first person said you should take a look at the white book you can buy it on eBay etc. good luck feel free to reach out.

Hi ASJ, I read through a lot of your thread. You're an incredible inspiration, have accomplished a great deal in this area, and you're very capable of giving Chizuk to others. It may be worthwhile to give it a read yourself and see some of the ideas that you've shared in the past. 
You seem to be judging yourself based on past performance, and sensing that you've fallen further than you've been in the past. In this battle, one can really never know if the challenges you are facing today are the same as the ones you've conquered in the past. There are so many contributing factors that can make one day much more difficult than another. Do you truly feel that you are weaker or are not fighting as hard as you used to? Or, for whatever reason, what worked to win in the past isn't working anymore, and the battle you're facing now is just different for unknown reasons. Who knows if your victories now are more or less valuable than in the past? It's like riding a 21-speed bicycle, seeing that it's getting harder to pedal, but you don't get to see whether the gears changed to a more challenging speed? That's the beauty of One Day At a Time - focus on the next challenge and do your best.
Also, (warning: this is totally speculative) could it be that what changed is your situation vis-a-vis Shidduchim. It seems, that staying clean as preparation for marriage was a major motivating force for you. If that's the case, it would make sense that while in pre-Shidduchim and the early stages of dating which are very hope-filled and exciting, you were motivated and were looking forward to staying clean. As time goes on, and the Parsha of Shidduchim becomes less exciting (or even depressing), it's hard to use that as a motivation. Perhaps you should think of what are other reasons you want to stay clean - other than as preparation for your Bashert. Arming yourself with more reasons to be motivated may help give you a fresh start. 
Hatzlocha!

Thank you so much. The fact that you read my thread really means so much to me- taking time out of your day to understand my story and help me is really so amazing of you. 

I think everything you said in this post is spot on. Really such a great perspective that I am happy you shared with me. 

And I think your speculation that it has been harder for me because of that original hope that I had as I entered the parsha becomes harder to hold onto is 100% correct. Having that as a motivation was/is a double edged sword. On the one hand it gave me this new motivation to be better in this stage of my life, and gave me a true reason for why it was more crucial now more than ever, which was definitely a very powerful tactic to use against the Yetzer Hara. On the other hand, as we see now, the motivation from this sole reason can be easily swayed/go away. 

I realized this and, as you alluded to, I have been trying to really have the "one day at a time perspective?" and really re-focus my motivation as wanting to stay clean because it is Ratzon Hashem and want to have a pure connection with Him. 

 Really appreciate the thoughtful words, hopefully they can continue propel me and everyone in this amazing community forward. 

MoeB wrote on 15 Dec 2021 01:34:

Okay, here is my humble opinion. I just went through this thread again and aside from cringing through everything that I wrote, I don't see where you see an addict. 

I am not saying yes or no, I don't know, however there is hardly enough information shared here to be able to say such a thing. There are so many things to consider before proclaiming that someone is an addict. Did the person make effective plans, open up to real people, try therapy, just to name a few.

It's normal for a person to struggle, and to continue to struggle after really long streaks. I, and many others here are testament to that. I would suggest talking to someone on the phone, and maybe taking a look at following the new "Flight To Freedom" program. Therapy is also something to consider if someone feels like his emotions are a significant part of his struggle. 

Just my humble opinion.

I am Baruch Hashem in a solid place at the moment.

I don't think I have ever posted something like that before. Mostly because I feel like it is a little show-offy and never really felt the need. Therefore, this forum has always been a place for me to vent when things were going badly and when I messed up. But I think that approach recently has been destructive for me. If my whole identity on this site becomes failure, that is how I will see myself, and it will lead me to fail more. If I present and highlight myself as a success story I think I will start to see myself as one, and then I will not want to stay clean out of guilt, but rather out of pride. I remember when I had super long streaks this wonderful pride that I had for being so in control, and I know that feeling is so much more powerful than the negative guilt of not falling.

I think I am going to try this little experiment of trying to highlight when I am doing good as well and see how it goes for me. And if anyone thinks this is a bad approach I would love to hear any insights or taynas against it.

very true
its not so bad to use the platform for reaching out to get help from others, but it is very right to use it as a place to share with us when you grow
and its is a a great idea to get your chizik
and also the part of seeing your self as the way you are identified here, i also think its a strong point, therefore i think its the right thing to share your successes and not only the fall.
one of the reasons to throw you down is by feeling how badly other people are looking at you, so how should we know how well you are doing when you are not sharing it with us?
we are happy to see how you succeed and grow

Just pushed away thoughts to fall. Very proud of my self! This is the real me.

Still feel weird just posting when I am doing good, but I think it helps me feel good and then want to continue feeling good so I am going to continue.

Had opportunities in the last day to look at arousing imagery, and passed on it. That has often been my issue in the past. Not looking at something totally rated 18+ but just imagery that I found attractive, then a couple of days later that tayva would build up and lead me to fall. So I am really happy that I have been good at stopping the slipping at the start. Hopefully with siyata dishmaya and all the amazing chizuk I get from this site I will be able to continue going strong!

There is a common misconception that pornography is treif and dangerous; general secular movies and the like are sort of ok. Nothing could be farther from the truth. Typical movies, and many advertisements in the secular world are suggestive and arousing. Sometimes it is obvious; very often it is subtle. We are stuck with what is all over the streets, however we can choose what we see online. Searching for imagery that triggers would seem to fall under the category of megareh yetzer hara and is included in lo sasuru.  Guys who want to stay clean and not be constantly triggered need to do a reality check and come to terms that an extremely large percentage of what is available out there should be avoided. It may be a hard decision to make - to block access to so much stuff, but it is well worth it. Hatzlocha.