AStrugglingJew wrote on 21 Apr 2020 20:23:

I can relate to this as well... Hashem is giving us very challenging times now but we need to remember the he is also giving us the support to succeed.

We should try to remember that Hashem is watching and rooting for us to succeed. Hashem gave us this challenging situation as an opportunity for us to become greater, and He is at our side as we battle. If we remember this, we will appreciate the significance of our actions and feel so fortunate that we can succeed. This outlook toward our challenges will help us achieve phenomenal success!

We are all rooting for you too!
Don't let us down.

I fully fell today. I hit that "I had a fall" button, and my streak went from 309 (I believe- might be off one or two days) days straight to 0. 

I thought I would be more depressed when this happened. I worked almost a whole year on this. Why am I not crying? Last time I broke a streak like this I remember breaking down. I feel like I should be again. 

I think this is the answer: I know that I really grew this past year. During the last year, my avodas Hashem was pure. I probably haven't had a cleaner year since puberty. And while the official streak is over, the streak that I just had can never be taken away from me and will always be an accomplishment of mine. Just look at the title of this forum - "chasing 90"- I remember when that seemed impossible. Now I know, and proved to myself, that I am destined for greater. 

I am not chasing perfection. I am chasing the best I can be. And I think having this mindset is what will keep me cleaner. I think in the past when I got depressed that lead to the mindset of "I am already messed up, what does one more time even mean"

I am taking the attitude that while I wish I could have a year streak going into marriage (I am currently in middle of shiduchim, and that was a goal of mine- and maybe it still will happen- it is all up to Hashem, but I am hoping that I will getting married within a year), that is no longer the reality. The new reality is I could have only one fall in the last year before I get married and I think that is pretty pure as well. 

I also realize, based off of my understanding, that in the early days of my marriage it will be unlikely that I will have to wait over 300 days before having a release for my tayva, so the fact that I was bale to do so now is good preparation. However, that may present other issues in that the more you give in, the more you want. So my mindset is, that this fall is a new challenge for me- that this fall is challenging me to see what happens when you give into the tayva. Can I give in once and just get back up without constantly needing to replenish (obviously better to never fall- just want to make that clear). 


Don't get me wrong- I am upset, I feel stupid. I had something so good and I lost it and I regret it immensely. But at the same time, that is in the past and I am trying to look forward.  Maybe I should be harder on myself, but I personally believe that that just causes more yaush and more sin. 

I think the best approach in this battle is not to get upset or chase perfection, rather to see your potential, want to fulfill your potential because you know that you are better than you are at the moment, and if fall happens- then be disappointed in yourself for falling short, and maybe even sad, but not depressed. 

I just want to thank all those at GYE. If I did not have you I would have never had made it so far. I sincerely love this community from the bottom of my heart. Looking forward to the next 309 days!!

AStrugglingJew wrote on 28 Apr 2020 20:31:

I have now learned what it means to grow from a fall.
To experience a fall and dissect it and change your mindset to one of positivity. To be the best that I can be today.

Rooting for you!!

Wow, 121 days is something I could only dream of...

One thing that I think would help is to realize that eventually (if not soon), you will get married and you'll be able to release some of that tayva in a normal, healthy way. Neither of us know when you will get married, but I believe that Hashem will reward you, one of his holy warriors who is fighting his heart out (121 days and counting!!!) with a true Aishes Chayil. 

I also don't check GYE as much as I should! But what's stopping us? Every time we check the site, that's one step closer we get to finally winning this battle once and for good. And if you'd like some extra motivation, try to check the site so that you comment on other people's posts and give them chizuk. You clearly have a lot of success and tips that I think some people would love to hear. Please, we need you as much as you need us (if not more). 

Tzadik, I believe in you with all of my heart. 

To another 121 (and more!)

wilnevergiveup wrote on 20 Apr 2020 20:55:

I do not believe our lifelong goal is to attain perfection, and this could be the ailment for many a relapse.

KOMT!!!!!

Hey @Astrugglingjew, 
I love your approach. It's so crystal clear and self aware.
Falling once every three hundred and something days is great! As you said yourself no one is perfect and that isn't the goal.

Getting married can help but it has it's own complications as well. Marriage can be great but is not not necessarily the light at the end of the tunnel.

Hatzlachah! 

Singularity wrote on 29 Apr 2020 06:25:

Sorry that I was not clear. Our lifelong goal as described by Mesilas Yesharim is to attain "shleimus".
We are not however, judged based on whether we got there or not rather based on whether we accomplished our personal tafkid.
The way I understand it is that our heading is shleimos but what our tafkid is no one knows. Therefore as far as we are concerned our mission is to keep on pushing forward down that path (to shleimus). We need to use shleimus in order to know whether we are off course.
In practice though our mission is to put our best foot forward but it's also important to know where you are going.

Sometimes our mission is nothing more than to keep fighting and not give up. See Tanya chapter 27. 

Just want to say thank you to all of the responses. All have been very helpful and I appreciate the community so much. Such a great recourse we have here. 

Thanks!

I was thinking of an interesting concept related to your situation.

When we fall after a long streak there is a certain humility that comes to us which we did not have before the fall. I once heard that The tzadik Reb Zusha once asked his brother Reb Elimelech (of Lizensk) why he allowed Adam HaRishon to sin and eat for the Eitz Hadas... (as we know all neshamos were included in Adam) - He replied "I was debating if I should stop him from sinning but I decided, rather let him fall and see he's not the big-shot he things he is!" 

This is not an excuse to fall but if we use the fall as a learning experience and it brings us to be humble, then it's not a fall after all!!

Today I was reflecting on something that I wish I realized earlier. I think it can be very helpful to defeating the yetzer hara. 

I am on a 21 day streak. This is after almost going for a year clean. When I feel, I was so afraid that now I was about to fall into my horrible ways from before and start falling everyday again. However, this did not happen. Instead, after that one fall, it has been relatively smooth sailing. 
I think this is for two reasons: 

1) I did not have yaush (despair) when I fell. I recognized that I messed up, said that I am still proud of what I accomplished, and I can get there again if I start now and don't let myself fall in. I think it is really really important once you fall after a long streak to let it fall into two- because then it will be a never ending "one more".

2) MORE IMPORTANTLY: I think even though I had fallen, and that obviously the tayva was still there (clearly), that since I went so long with being clean that my addiction/constant need became much weaker and fell away. That is GYE says that the 90 days will do - that it will change how our mind/habbits work (I think this really happened for me at around 150). 

I think this is so important because when I was in the everyday struggle, and falling almost everyday, my yetzer hara would tell me it is useless to try being clean today, because  even if I am successful  I can't be clean for as long as I want because it is impossible to battle this tayva for so long. The fault in that logic is that the longer you are clean, it will honestly first get harder, but then at a certain point it will get easier because you broke that habbit/addiction from your brain and there is honestly nothing better than reaching this.

I legitimately believe that the greatest pleasure and gift in my life is the ability to live  without my constant nagging desires pulling me away and distressing me when I fall. This is baruch Hashem the reality that I have attained for myself with the help of Hashem and GYE, and I think if I realized that this was possible earlier I would have been more motivated. There really is this light at the end of the tunnel. Only now on the other side do I realize how sad and dark it is when living with this addiction and that there was another possible reality. 

I still obviously have tayva. I had major tayva today. But because in my head it is no longer considered a need, and I have proven that to myself that I do not need it, and I have much more clarity of thought- this tayva is so much easier to ride out until it surpasses. 

I really hope this inspires people to realize that even though it seems really dark and like there is no light at the end, that if we just push through the rough patch now- the most amazing light is waiting for us. WE DESERVE THAT LIGHT!!!!

I also just want to say thank you for the whole community. Everyone here is so amazing!

Beautiful, inspiring, and educational post from someone who obviously has learned to understand and accept himself. A must read for newcomers....

An update. 
I was clean for hundreds of days. I got used to not indulging in tayva, which is amazing. 
However, I am now very dismayed. 
I have been dating a girl who is so special and who I am very attracted to. Because of technical reasons we can't move the wedding up (still months away). 
Being around someone who I am so attracted to has brought out tayva in me and has truly caused me to start slipping again. I am so dismayed and feel like I am loosing all the purity I was working towards for the person I would marry. 

I really need Eitzah and encouragement.