Hi, I am 32 years old, married and i have 4 children, b"h.
struggling  with masturbation for the last 20 years, and for the last 5 years with calling inappropriate chat lines.
unfortunately i don't feel like changing yet.

We love honesty here!!
Change is hard not least because sometimes, you actually enjoy what you are doing. 
If you don't want to change why are you here? Did someone force you? 

Hi Hershy,
Thanks for building up the guts and introducing yourself here and being honest that you don't feel you want to change. It is good to be honest with yourself and try to pretend something you're not. 
Being here shows that you understand you should want to and that is a good first step.
If you want to just talk feel free to email me 360gye@gmail.com

Try avoiding the masturbation and chatlines for a week.
Then see how you feel.

if you don't mind please daaven for me  שיתעורר לבי לעשות רצון ה' ולעבדו בלבב שלם Thank you

hershy9999 wrote on 29 Mar 2019 15:31:

What’s your mother’s name bro?

Generally from what I’ve seen here, the ones that find some sort of long term Trucking, are those that get into the lane, share their name, bare their shame with another guy here, and Keep on Trucking. Even I tried that ;-)

Welcome, the honesty is great it may get you places.

I guess that you would like to desire to change. Well I cant help you with that, but I would suggest you go to the just having fun section and read the storytime thread that Stillgoing started. It has a few stories in there. Sometimes seeing your life from the outside perspective (like reading a story about kalheed or gyb) can help you look and really see what you are doing.

As an aside, I assume (considering u don't want to change) your life is pretty manageble, your relationship with your wife, family, community and boss is all good. Is that correct?

hershy9999 wrote on 25 Mar 2019 16:26:

I'll daven that you should get caught, your wife and boss will find out.
I will also call your Rav and they will all force you to quit!   

As long you enjoy the acting out and life/work/marriage stays manageable why should you change?

​ 

doingtshuva wrote on 31 Mar 2019 00:44:

DT, if are you a changed man was it due to your Rav / Wife / Boss?

Generally people aren’t forced by anything, until it’s their rock bottom - read Dov’s story for example. 

Change has to come from within.

So look at this thread. It’s amazing Gye’s Success!
Post 1 Hershy wasn’t ready for anything. 4 days later he was already crying out for help. Thats very quick lane change. 

Hershy you’re on a good road to DoingTeshuva :-)

Keep On Trucking

Hi Hersh,
My two cents as a person who likely was in a similar boat.
Try to focus on improving some of the things that upset you that often is the cause of us acting out. Maybe a sefer on anger or emunah or try to start taking walks (or all types of things like this). The acting out is a very tempting way to deal with life's struggles that when we do from when we are young is almost built in to our DNA in our own crisis management. A wife who is annoying us, feeling lonely etc. When we try to build up our self-esteem and ability to deal with struggles, then we can honestly start fixing the issue when the time is right. 
Again, this won't solve your problems nor stop you. But it's a good first step that will help you when you feel like quitting b'emes.

Markz wrote on 31 Mar 2019 02:08:

As long I was able to P&M together with work/family/shiurim/etec' I didn't think of stopping.
But when life started to get unmanageable, then I decided to take it seriously.

I'm afraid that if my wife will find out, I will just tell her good bye, because I don't know how to bear the shame. (please don't reply: "go ahead").

please daven for me שיתעורר לבי "within".

I pray that DoingTeshuva’s prayer is not accepted.
AMEN!!

Until you have a recovery path, it’s pointless to bare the truth to your wife. I wouldn’t consider it at all.

After you start Trucking, life and honesty can begin.

So what you waiting for? The engine is already warm, you have a hot coffee waiting for you, just hit the pedal running!!

Hatzlacha!

Markz wrote on 03 Apr 2019 16:29:

All I meant to say is that as long you chat and masturbate and life/wife stays manageable you wont feel a need to change.
In order to change you need a strong will and you need to be ready to fight and work hard and why should you work hard or give up on your pleasures if life is so sweet.

For some getting caught was a help, others manged to stop before getting caught. But if you don't stop, you probably will get caught one day anyways.

Wishing you all the best!