Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 30 Oct 2020 20:31:

S&K (If you are still here) Frst of all congrats and hope things continue to improve for you. Mazel tov on the baby. And 1.5 years without porn wow! Amazing!

I just take small issue with what you write about marriage only helping if you worked in it as a bochur. I didn't work on it as a bochur apart from beating myself up. i never went to therapy and I'd say that even so, in marriage I have had my opportunities to improve and get above this. My wife busted me years back and the subsequent growth that took place was amazing. Things kinda leveled out after a while and I just don't really kill myself over it that much anymore but continue to try to do my best.

I think what I am really missing is possibly ongoing therapy as well as remaining active in recovery. But anyone anyday can choose to make a difference in their own lives. It is not all riding on whether you worked on it as a single bochur or not. SAying that really defeats the purpose of anyone who didn't do that trying...

wow! just popped on.. bh doing great in this area, but very inspired by the courageous guys here still fighting. hakol hevel you rock!

how is everyone doing! its been 3 plus years since joining gye! ive grown so much in this area bh. since i got married 2 years ago i have been able to keep my desires to a healthy outlet through marriage. but ive also grown in so many other areas which all started through gye.

lots of luck to all,
love shnitz

Hey!
Nice to have you back here.

Just curious, now that you are married do you get to eat as much shnitzel and kugel?

haha

[quote="][b]If you read my thread you would see I'm not disagreeing with you at all. 
I agree marriage isn't the fix. 

I disagree though with those that say marriage doesn't help, it does certainly help if you worked on the lust before marriage and gave it all you got. 

I never got married for sex or looks, I got married thinking I'm gonna struggle with lusting based on the advice on gye, but bh learnt the happy way;)

I think it's unfair to make a blanket statement that marriage doesn't help, and to frighten those bochurim trying to overcome their struggle.

If you gave it all you got as a single, go into marriage happy and obviously cautious but main focus is on the happy part.[/b]


[i]thanks so much for the great Chizuk! Me being a 21 year old bochur I am always wondering how will the future look like? should I be excited that marriage will help me and make my challenge easier or frightened that i can mess up way worse, your words and the conversation you sparked was really enlightening, so really thanks so much or sharing! Just wondering now that Bh you are basically more more or less clean from BEFORE you were married did you ever share with your wife you struggles you had while you were single?[/i]

[/quote]

i didnt based on advice i got and based on my hunch. its way too risky to share in my case. i dont see a point being that it isnt a struggle i currently battle. 

regarding your worry. i believe one would have to take a poll between those that were here and were involved before they got married and see how many are clean after marriage. 

also, which is the main thing is to go to a therapist that specializes in this and once he says you are ready to date, go ahead. you are 21 so no rush:) unless you come from a chasidish backround with peer pressure lol

GYE poll: how many of you here that struggle very hard with porn and mastrubation would say they experienced a good childhood in home and school?

I begin... i suffered alot from neglect and emotional abuse at home and school.

whatcha bout you guys?  

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Oct 2021 02:08:

Yes

I have had a positive childhood both at home and at school

Shnitzel and kugel wrote on 17 Oct 2021 02:08:


I had a pretty generic childhood without any abuse boruch Hashem, but there was not much emotional support from my parents and I grew up thinking that G-d gave everyone else the ability to do well in school and have friends but somehow forgot about me. I knew that I could and would never do anything right so pretty soon I stopped trying. I knew that there was something wrong with me that no one would want to be my friend, so I just didn't bother.

My Father was always too busy and never around and 99% of what I ever heard from him was criticism. He was never proud of how I did in school, and doing homework with him was the worst part of my day (and pretty much the only interaction I ever had with him). My mother has very little emotional capacity I never felt understood or valued. 

I eventually found a safe friend who always made me feel good and desired. I wasn't ever afraid that my new friend wouldn't like me or that I would "mess things up" like I always did in real life. She was a good friend for a while, started hanging around more and more and getting more and more personal. She got me to do a lot of things that I wasn't proud of. She got me to cross all those red lines that I said I would never cross. But she always remained loyal, and was always there for me when I needed her most. Even though I tried to separate many times, I knew that I really needed her in order to get by. I did, I didn't have any other way. My fantasy was the only thing that I had. 

Whatever, I wasn't trying to write a megilla. I know that my life is a far cry from those who went through abuse and I take my challenges in stride. I am in no way complaining, on the contrary, knowing and understanding this helped me heal.  

I believe that for guys who grew up very sheltered, almost always there was some sort of emotional neglect or trauma and more than just general curiosity. Something caused us to go seek out something that we weren't getting and that wasn't part of our system. We knew it was wrong but did it anyways for one reason or another. For those who had open access all the time, or from less yeshivish backgrounds, I think it's a different story. Also, ten and fifteen years ago, kids didn't have phones and certainly not smartphones. there was just less exposure and you had to go looking for it. I think things are different today.  

I BH had a good childhood and wonderful parents. No blaming anyone else for me. This is my own issue.

in general i think i had a great upbringing.
I don't think i can honestly blame anyone else but myself on this one.