I was finally caught!

After all the years the chickens came to roost.

My dear wife found something on her phone linked to me and confronted me. I tried to wiggle out but she didn’t budge. I finally admitted that it was true. She told me that she had always suspected but didn’t want to confront without proof.

So where do I go from here? I am a hardcore addict for many years. I have been through the twelve steps. They helped but not enough. That is the same question that my wife askes me.

Am I happy that I was caught? Very happy! It was time for the madness to end. The timing couldn’t have been better. My wife is going through very intensive therapy for her issues, so she is in the best position to deal with this. Previously my marriage was in very bad shape and would have never survived this.

After many years of work my emotional health and emunah are in very good. All the years I felt justified in acting out. However recently I came to the realization that I really don’t need this anymore. I was just continuing because it was fun. It really was time to stop. In our house we don’t have broadband internet, just cellular internet. This obviously has put a damper on my acting out. Most off my heavy acting out was opportunistic, meaning when I would have access to broadband I would chap arien. Recently however, there appeared in my bedroom an open broadband connection. After taking the appropriate precautions I have been having a party. My Ellul was ruined my shovavim was a wreck. (yes, even an addict can have a shovavim chizuk. I am sure Dov will think that very funny) In the past couple of days I felt like I was going over the edge. I was having trouble keeping the acting out separate from my normal life. I was taking time off to act out. There was no hope in sight. The broadband wasn’t disappearing. Then I was caught! Thank you, Hashem, for saving me! Sometimes I wasn’t sure if Hashem cared about me. This was the biggest miracle that I ever saw in my life! Thank you, Hashem.

Happy to hear that you're more motivated than ever to recover. Hashem has many ways to bring us back and He makes sure that we dont leave until we get to where we need to be, with all our weaknesses.

If you are a hardcore addict as you say you are then you're best bet is joining SA and getting to 90 meetings in 90 days. Start getting some real recovery into your system. Connect to others on a daily basis and find a sponsor ASAP.

If you need a temporary sponsor please PM me, I'm available.

Hatzlacha rabba and may Hashem bentch you with the strength and courage to recover long term.

grateful4life wrote on 07 Mar 2018 23:30:

grateful4life great advice! chaimyid also try find a partner to! also you should try contacting people on the chat, will help a lot:) your doing great! by doing this 1st big step! hashem should give you blessed path to recovery!  

welcome, Hashem should help   everything go smoothly at home, dont be scared to do  what you feel is right like shovavim etc..and dont be nervous to question statements that run against  what you were taught is important,everything you do is chashuv  when it is doing battle with lust/the yetzer hara,but dont be too  great in your eyes to not accept from others if  you feel that they  make a good point .hatzlacha!

Thank you so much for the warm welcome! I will be continuing my journey in the breaking free forum. See you there.

grateful4life wrote on 07 Mar 2018 23:30:

Who said his best bet is 90 in 90? Where did you get that from? Do you know him well? Meetings work for some, and don’t work for others. For MANY others. And didn’t he say they didn’t work for him? 

Welcome!

Warning; there's a blissful high after being caught which could be as destructive as the addiction if not handled correctly. Reach out, open up. 

Singularity wrote on 13 Mar 2018 07:37:

Wow! That really what I am feeling! Would you be able to elaborate on this?

ויחרד יצחק wrote on 14 Mar 2018 05:31:

In my personal experience (and you can read in my own topic):

If I just got caught, the last thing on my mind would be acting out. Why? I'm busy with another project: bandaging the cuts of my life. My wife's shattered, my job's at risk etc (Last year just before Shavuos I was caught at work and my career was in jeapordy). What's needed to be done is so, so real at that moment that that fantasy of acting out just doesn't come close to satisfying! Besides the guilt and shame experienced. After I act out, I feel guilt and shame. But now someone's caught me I'm already feeling that. so I'm sorta in that state of just having acted out, trying my best to just get out of the schmutz and do that perfect teshuva. It's a blissful state. Hashem has taken me back!!!! (For more on that, see Dov's post about the Nuclear Reset Button)
Another time, before I started recovery, I told my wife I had seen something inappropriate at work, and she felt so crushed. I felt so bad, but I had such a fiery resolve afterwards. I'm the hero and I'll set things right.
All these thoughts are just toxic to me. Because when they die down, and the pain's gone, and life starts sucking again, I know just where I'll be again.

I think the excitement and anxiety of being caught creates a dopamine rush.

ויחרד יצחק wrote on 15 Mar 2018 05:28:

personally I never wanted to get caught. I did things believing fully that nobody would ever know. You think the rush of being caught works for you? And now that you're caught, you think that'd go away?

Welcome!  I was caught as well, and it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  Why didn't the 12 steps help?  Did you do them?  Do you have a therapist?  Commit to do whatever it takes.  Take the advice of those who have been successful.