Some of you "oldtimers" may remember me, chaimyakov.  I was active for a few years, was sober for more than two years and then fell and kept falling because I wanted to.  It has been about four years of falling and acting crazy(crazy= doing the same things over and over but expecting different results), and chiefly not doing any of the things that worked to get/keep me sober. Well I am back on board again but frankly, I am not sure I really want to stop falling. Yes intellectually I want to live sober, but who cares about the intellect when... I have accountability software on my phone and computer, but I have access to unprotected computers that I repeatedly abuse.  I hope this is my first step back to sane living.  Only time will tell and only HE knows.
Kol Tuv

time doesn't tell anything and who is HE 
do you have access to intellect i don't when i have access to...........

chaimyakov wrote on 21 Jan 2018 21:10:

Welcome
I am sure you realize that your post is full of contradictions. Just read it over - they are obvious.
You were clean for two years and then tanked for a long stretch. Seems that you desire to have a desire.  Since you had considerable days of sobriety, there is little to nothing to tell you that will be a chidush. 

Just one piece of advice.

Go over your present situation. If you come to the conclusion that you really do want to come clean and you are sick to the depths of your soul of your loser status - then and only then can the chevra help give you the kind support to help you be sober

Welcome back! Are you ready to get off the crazy train and back in the truck?

Gevura Shebyesod wrote on 21 Jan 2018 21:56:

Get the Monsters outa your head and get into a Monstah Truck

There will always be part of us that doesn't want to part with mrs lust. 
Don't fight it, but work with the other part and take concrete steps to recovery, cos talk is cheap/free

tzomah wrote on 21 Jan 2018 21:37:

welcome oba, i hope you find this time you get what you came for,thanks for doing what you KNOW  what you should be doing eventhough its not what you FEEL. and to add on to tzomah- he is SHE in hebrew, although im not sure what this has to do with this forum.

I also realized recently that I want the addiction (or whatever it may be) to disappear but I don't have the real push to work on it. But I know that this don't gonna help me & I cannot use it as an excuse. We need to find ways to become clean one day at a time just like we find ways to feed the בהמה inside us with what he wants (and want us to think that we need it as well)

Welcome back!  Sorry to hear that things have been tough for you. 

Welcome back! Gosh, 2 years and then a crash. I've never had 2 years' sobriety. I see it's a ODAATTTDYD (one day at a time til the day you die) kind of game we're playing here. May God give us all the strength

Thanks all for the welcome.  To answer the unasked question, I stopped doing what was working because I thought I was okay on my own without any tools.  Once I stopped working my plan it all fell away so quickly and easily.  At the moment I can't give myself a good reason why I need to stop stopping and start living.  But I know I should.  I am here again and bli neder will post a few times a week and I have again picked up the Big Book as well as others and pray that soon I can give myself a good enough reason without having one placed/forced/hurled upon me.  
Btw, most anytime I type a pronoun with all caps I am referring to HASHEM, THE HIGHER POWER
Kol Tuv

You say that your intellect is telling you you should stop, but that you don’t desire to stop.
I think you have things a bit BACKWARDS.
It is clear in many sefarim that the innate nature of man is to want good. To want to do good and to be good. 
Deep down, like all men, you undoubtedly WANT good. That is what you truly desire. 
On a much less deep level you want to act out. This is where you’re intellect comes in.
Your brain weighs these feelings and tells yourself that what you want is to act out when really what you really WANT, what your גוף really longs for is to come clean. To live free. To be liberated from the miserable shackles of lust.

Work on bringing your true DESIRES to the surface and thing will imyh take a real turn for the better.
Hatzlacha

No doubt I have things backwards, I am here on the boards discussing my greatest shortcoming.  I am not sure it matters if my brain wants or my body wants or my neshama wants or my yetzer wants, what matters is what I do or don't do.  I can say "I don't want to act out" all I want but when I chase after forbidden images, fall after them and worship them, I think my actions speak louder than words, therefore I honestly declare that I don't know if I want to stop. That is the truth and it is not lessened by any part of me wanting to stop.  I am thankful for being sober another day.
Kol Tuv

Hey chaimyakov
First of all I didn’t mean at all to be critical.
I think that it does matter which part of you wants it. But let me put it into context.
When we are stuck in the mud and every minute our mind races back to the last porn we watched and every time we see a computer our mind races to all the “possibilities”, then it is very hard for any of this “machsuva” talk to make any difference.
First things first is to take concrete steps to get a few weeks away from the craziness. Which I guess you might have to be really strong and do even if you don’t really want. Maybe it’s only fair to give yourself a chance to think things through clearly? To give yourself a chance to reflect without being pulled back in constantly?

After that, I’m a believer that the understanding of what’s all going on can help a lot in staying clean and understanding how not to go back there. I have read some books on addiction that have given understanding that has helped me a lot.
Once clean a little bit, maybe If you can believe that you desire good (not just intellect telling you you want good) and it’s your surface desires getting you off track, it could be a motivation to give yourself what you truly desire.

If I am not worthy of criticism, woe to this generation.  (Regardless of your intent to criticize or not)  You may be right and it isn't the real me talking, but at the moment I am all I have access to. 
Grateful for another sober day.
Kol Tuv

Whether or not you are worthy of criticism is not really important to us human beings. Leave that to Hashem. It’s not my job to criticize you. Nor is it your job to criticize yourself.
Quite to the contrary, It’s probably your job to be forgiving yourself.

If the only person you have access to doesn’t want to stop then I don’t see a realistic way of change. Even if you get someone else involved, it doesn’t seem like you’ll have the motivation to stop. It’ll probably take a slap against the concrete floor of “rock-bottom” to send a wake up call.
Sometimes I found myself wishing that that slap would come sooner rather than later.