Hey guys. I don't know if anyone will actually read it; but if you do and get chizuk from it, please tell me.
I apologize for the long post, this is the first one so it is uncharacteristically long

Since I was 12 and a half I have been addicted to pornography and since I was about 14 I have been addicted to masturbation.

About a year and two months ago it was the end of summer man in Yeshiva, one of the Hanholoh members called be over and told me that I did not have a place in Yeshiva for next year because I wasn't consistently showing up for substantial amounts of learning time. For me, being a goody good, that was very hard to hear and I didn't take it very well. For the next two weeks, until the end of man, I had many conversations with that Hanholoh member and he agreed to let me stay the next year on condition that go to a psychologist on a regular basis for my masturbation and pornography problems. this required me to admit to myself  my current state and that I was an addict. From that point until about a month ago I regularly visited my psychologist and we worked on many things. It took a very very long time to get me act together and that same Hanholoh member didn't want to let be come back for summer man this year because I stilled hadn't showed consistent improvement in participating in Seder. Then during this summer man I made a real fundamental change in that I feel that I can am much more transparent than before. Because I would do all these averos that couldn't tell anyone about, I felt that I was living a double life. Now, after working on accepting where I am holding and improving my current spiritual state, I got a hold of my life and for the first time in many years I was being proactive in my learning and everything. I am not at all saying that I didn't masturbate or watch pornography, it was more that it wasn't controlling the rest of my life. Before this, because of the state I was in, my addictions controlled every aspect of life in that I couldn't be on time for anything or choose when I go to sleep.
After this past summer zman, I am left yeshiva and am now going to school with almost no friends in my area and no psychologist or rebbi for me to talk to. My parents kind of know that I am struggling with this and that I went to a psychologist (well, they did pay for me to go to see him), but to talk to them to big of a step for me right now.
I feel like I am being thrown in deep (but am not feeling hopelessness or despair) and I am ready to take on the challenge. For this reason I am reaching out to you guys and to this amazing infrastructure for moral support in this area and for me to actually break myself free from these monsters which I passively let ruin my life.

Welcome!  I'm glad to hear you are doing better.  Why are you leaving Yeshiva and going to a place without any support?  What makes you so confident that you are "ready to take on this challenge"?  It sounds to me like a difficult task.  Please keep us posted.

Your struggle, pain and honesty come across in your comment. You've been zoche to make some realizations about yourself that many people never get.  Don't sell yourself short though. Your life is way better without masturbation and you don't need to do it. I hope that becomes your next realization friend.

Hi Change!

I get chizuk from your post!!

Hey change,
Thanks for posting your story. I must agree with Mark that your post is chizuk to all of us. I'm sorry to hear you have been placed in such an environment. Keep posting on your situation and how you are doing, it will benfit everyone.
Good luck,
360gye

change bochur wrote on 07 Sep 2016 06:05:

Why do I get offended when guys write stuff like this?
Yes, we read it, and yes, it gives us chizuk.
Stick around.

I feel very sorry for you CB. It is very hard to be sent away from Yeshiva. This happened to me when I was 14 and the awful, sinking feeling that I had there awakens within me when I remind myself of that story. And I am 59 and that is 45 years after it happened.

Am I correct in understanding that you are not in any Yeshiva but in school?

Every Yid, especially a bochur (and it is very revealing that the word "Bochur" is how you choose to identify yourself) needs to have a strong קשר to a מקום תורה. The fact that you want to overcome your יצר הרע means that you are a מבקש את האמת. A big part of that is to make sure that you maintain a strong relationship with some בית המדרש.

This holy website is a very powerful tool for people like us who are battling the סיטרא אירא. But it is also important to have a bricks-and-mortar מקום תורה to help us and be מחזק us.

Thank you for your post and we are looking forward to בשורות טובות about your מצב.

Happy Guy raises a valid point, in order to help with your struggle i think it will greatly help if you have connection with Torah. I recommend, especially in your situation, find a beis medrash near you, or get shimmer online.

Thanks to everyone who posted over 4 years ago. It really was wonderful to read the responses recently and many of them were tremendous chizuk.
It has been 4+ years since I last posted and a lot has changed since then. I'm now married with a son learning in Kollel in Eretz Yisroel. Just over a month ago my wife discovered some terribly disturbing images and videos on my computer and, as you can imagine, was extremely upset, shaken, angry as well as a host of other emotions. She had no idea that her husband was involved in such a thing. Since then, I have started going back to my psychologist that I saw when I was a bochur here and he suggested that I come on here to participate in the forums and maybe even get a partner.
I have to say I GAIN TREMENDOUS CHIZUK, COMFORT AND RELIEF FROM READING EVERYONE'S POSTS HERE. Everyone who posts has literally saved me from fall multiple times in the past couple of days. I can't believe something so wonderful exists and am eternally grateful to the people that run the whole ship and for everyone who does and has participated. I love the discussion and conversation between people who are struggling and persevering. I mind blowing how amazing to watch the people fight over long periods of time.
Ironically, I was in a better place, regarding these inyanim, when my wife discovered what was going on. I gotten my frequency down from a couple times a week to a couple times a month. One of the best places I have been in for a long time.
Anyways, I am happy that I have been given the possibility to participate in the endeavour with everyone here.

I have been lurking the forums for the past couple days and a couple of things that people have said really resonated with me:

• Someone quoted Grant saying that lust isn't a need even though it ver much feels like one.
• The "pain" that is felt when refraining from indulging and/or acting out is part of the reason why I act out int he first place and feeling that means there is progress and that I can attack those head on to grow and change.

Thanks to everyone who replied 4+ years ago. I hope to respond to you all soon.
P.S. I took me a while to work up the courage to reply because 1) I'm married now so sent in a request to change my name to have avreich in and didn't want to start before that & 2), well I guess I'm scared, not sure why; maybe others can shed some light

Sincerely,

Striving Avreich

Welcome back home.
I can’t imagine the indescribable pain it was, getting caught...
Baruch HaShem your in good hands here.
Maybe talk about your current struggles and pitfalls so we can get a picture of your matzav..

With love,

 YeshivaGuy 

change bochur wrote on 24 Jan 2021 12:48:

That is beautiful. My son is already 10 and he just started learning gemara!

But seriously, glad to have you back. 

Sometimes I get scared to admit my failures here. It feels like your letting everyone down, and that nobody will accept what you say anymore .

Just some thoughts.

Either way, welcome back! If you haven't read Grants story, I think it would be Kedai. It gives perspective on what a wife goes through when she finds out.

Welcome back. I'm not a regular poster, but I very much relate with your story. For years as a bochur I struggled with pornography and masturbation, and after 11 years of marriage and 3 kids I couldn't take the secret and told my wife about my issues. I visited psychologists before and social workers, but none seemed to work for me. Now I go to 12 steps meetings and am involved with 12 step work. I still visit therapists and they are a tremendous help on many levels. But being involved with others on a personal level in 12 step SA meetings is what really gives me the ability to maintain any length of sobriety. Just wanting to share my ESH, if it could help. I've had numerous slips, but the program really helps me not feel shame, but be able to just get back up and continue. 

YeshivaGuy wrote on 24 Jan 2021 19:20:

Ya it wasn't fun. But it's definitely better now that in 10+ years.

I'm not sure what you mean by "current struggles and pitfalls"? Triggers? Weak points? Areas to improve?

Bigmoish wrote on 25 Jan 2021 05:29:

If your son needs someone to learn with or has any questions you know where to direct him.
Bigmoish wrote on 07 Sep 2016 20:16:

This was 4+ years ago so I don't rember my exact intentions but I had no idea whether people actually enjoyed/got chizuk from other people's posts/stories and didn't know if people even read other peoples messages.

Either way, it's an honor to have an "old timer" post on my thread with such great humor!