Hi All 
I am 35 with few kids married 15 year ago, I
 am struggling for so many years, I was off for over a year now but fell again this week, I thought I can do it by myself but seems like I can’t, any help???
the 90 day days not talk to me as I did it for lot longer than this,
I started Masturbating in my frum chasidishe Yeshivah ketanah just by thinking of other boys and there smells etc., then when saw nice women or pictures it tempt me and thought of them and masturbated I never knew it’s a Evireh, I did this for years till I got married and my Chusen Teacher told me what all this is all about and that it’s  a terrible thing to do, 
Obviously I took on myself not to do it any more, 
After few month married I came up newspaper Women Seeking men which started to temp me, I called the expensive premium rate number and then it all started again knowing it’s a Evireh I started chatting to dirty women on the phone and masturbating etc.My phone bills went sky rocket high I managed hiding it from my wife, I had some month clean but kept doing it again and again, after many years I started looking at porn here and there and then I started going to brothel and picking up prostitutes from the street and struggling since then for years , my wife was on fertility treatment for my first child after many years not having children, whilst I needed to produce sperm at the treatment centre I could not do it as I was nervous so I thought of a shiksah women I saw that looked nice and my child was born from that sperm, I am so upset and don’t know who to turn to, my child has now some neurological and learning problems, I know it’s all because my eviroesI am still struggling since then on and off for month or weeks at a time, I was off for over a year now but fell again this week, I thought I can do it by myself but seems like I can’t, any help to stay clean and teshuva and rectifation on what I did for my evirus and to my child etc.
 

Just to add on my previous post, my wife has no idea about all this, the main reason I was able to stop for so long was that I suffer from health anxiety and pains when I felt a temptation coming i was scared to do any of this dirt as I was cared some thing will seriously happen to me when and if I do it, but seems like the Yetzer Horah came over thsi now and It did not work now as I broke it
 

Welcome

You will gain a lot of cleanness and clarity by checking out the free GPS (in my signature)

Hatzlocha!

Welcome! 

Shuloim Aleichem Reb Hatzlacha!

The beginning of your story is similar to mine, I went to chasidisher yeshiva I also didn't know it was an aveirah till I was about 18 ( I started when I was about 13) and then when I found it was a little late and took hard work for me to stop. (you can check out my story if you'd like, it's on my signature)

Al kul punim you have taken a great step by coming here, delve into this site and you'll find much hatzlacha IY"H.

Chazak V'emutz

Hatzlocha wrote on 10 Mar 2016 17:33:

I did the health anxiety thing for a while- it was beyond terrible. And what do you know, acting out makes the anxiety much worse because you know all the terrible things the Seforim say and you think Hashem will forsure kill you bc you're masturbating.

Yet somehow that doesn't cause us to stop. So look around here and read people's stories and see if anything they write talks to you and might be something that you can integrate.

Welcome I wish you much hatzlacha!!

I would not blame yourself for the health issues of your child.
You produced sperm to have a Jewish child.
The images that you used to produce that sperm are only images, not an actual woman that you had sex with!

You gave your Jewish wife a child...this is a Mitzvah that you have done.

 

Hatzlacha,

I can sympathize and I really feel for you since our stories are so similar,
But since you mentioned Chasidishe yeshiveh then you must have a little knowledge about chasidishe seforim.
But in ordefr for you to have some menuchas hanefesh plese try to explain to me, the following.
A) what does it mean "לבלתי  ידח ממנו נידח"
As you are aware that on all thoughts Hkb"h Does not punish only on Avodeh zura... But you so clearly indicated that you might be the reason for your child's learning disabilities?
and Also why is your son who was born at fault about your machsovois?

But the truth is that the Y'H will use every weapon he has to take away menucha from you, Even shtiker toira, he will come with a whole pshatel saying your fault, and that there is no way back for you, you cant do anything about that now so you might as well ....... you fill in the blanks.  Thats יאוש

And not only that, the Y'h goal is to not let you live period, not as Jew and not as a goi. not olom hazeh and not olom habuh. So therefore if  and when these thoughts creep up you are to stop right in your tracks and say Get the Hell away from me.....

And about the Machsuvu Hasham has enough ways to fix the pgam that the Machuvu has, you need to be mispalel but he has his ways, He tols us through shmiel hanuvie לבלתי  ידח ממנו נידח.

Please treat your self nice, and hasham will do the same to you.
 

Hi, i sympathize with u. U have it tough. As Innocent child who fell into this you are being very hard on yourself! Your child's disabilities are not your fault! You can't blame yourself for these things, you don't know why things happen or what the plan is. 

Do you have someone you can speak to? A rebbe? therapist? Etc? It sounds like you are in so much emotional pain it may be healthy to learn how to deal with them. 
Keep posting! Opening up is healthy and therapeutic. We're here for u! 

He Reb H,
First of all, never blame yourself for a health issue that HKB"H gave to your child. Do you think HKB"H is evil and punishes an innocent child for his father? HKB"H loves us so much and everything he does for us is the best thing for us. HKB"H loves you and only wants what is best for you. He is not angry and pushing you away, rather he is waiting by the window with tears of love for you to come in from the cold so he can be close to you.
I feel your tzaar and daven that you should be healed of this disease. You can get better for sure once you decide that you will do whatever it takes.

Welcome,
Your story sounds rough, but iyh the posting here should be a first step towards recovery, for you and your family.

B'hatzlachah

U did a great thing coming here.  it helped me in my ways and will help u in urs.  just keep on going and never think about the past. just move forward.. hatzlucha!!!

Hi,

First of all welcome on board.
Now, every person on here has a different story. My story is similar to yours. And I'm in the early stages of recovery, do I don't like to give advice. But the bottom line is more or less the same for us all. You have come to realize that what you did in the past was no good and you want to change. That's a BIG thing! You're getting real with yourself. Don't look at the past, at what damage (might) have come out of your bad habits. You still have a long life to live. Don't let the Yetzer hora block you from recovering because "the damage was done". As frum Jews were know that teshuvah helps. Be serious, get the right help. Joining GYE is the 1st step. 

thanks for your chizuk, could you advise me what you are doing to help your self and what you could advise me to do
thanks