And the times when I was sick in bed and cant get out. I have no koach to do anything besides....... ACT OUT

i only realized that i was an addict a couple months into SA, but i joined SA because of a member here. i was desperate to do anything to help so i jumped in before really thinking if i was an addict. i knew my problems with sex were different then the average guy though

I'm fairly certain I'm an addict. I've tried several times to stop, knew it was wrong, was regretting doing it even while I was doing it, and while it hadn't really affected the 'rest of my life' too much (or at least, not in the 'crash-and-burn-destroy-everyone-and-everything-in-my-path' way), there were times when I was acting out daily even though I didn't really 'want' to.

At the same time, there are times when I think that maybe I'm not really that much of an addict, it's not as bad as it seems, etc. But frankly, as others have mentioned in this post, it doesn't really matter. I'm currently several weeks sober (longest stretch of my life? That deserves both a that I made it this far and a for the obvious reason), and as long as I keep myself sober, you can call me whatever you want, I couldn't care less. Right now, approaching the struggle from an 'addiction' point of view seems to be working for me (12 steps, surrendering lust), so I'll keep acting as though I'm a (recovering) addict.

cords. I think I "started" writing my post before you posted.

gibbor120 wrote:


no problem; perfect!

11 out of 14 people who voted that they are addicts wrote how they came to that conclusion.

If you voted yes, please share the details.

Thanks

I voted "no."

While it might be that I am in denial -- after all:

• I've been "enjoying" porn for most of the past 30 years, and Internet-porn for much of the past ~24 years (since the modern commercial Internet was born).
• I had been masturbating (albeit within "normative" limits) for my first ~10 years upon discovering it as an early teen, until my marriage; and then for much of the past ~7 years, once my marriage started going seriously downhill.

... I do not really consider my unclean activity during these times to have been an "addiction," because:

• of my "justified rationalization" that I "had almost no other choice."
  
  • Before marriage: I generally made a very serious effort to minimize my acting-out, and very often had clean-streaks of several weeks, and several times even of ~6-to-8 months.
  • After marriage: when my relationship with my wife so seriously deteriorated over the past ~7 years -- with abusive behavior towards me, a total lack of intimacy, and even her giving me a "Heter" by explicitly "sending me off" to "take care of myself"!
• for the first 18 years of my marriage, I was able to (more-or-less) stay clean, per my promise to HaShem that my unclean activities would end if and when I would ever get married.
• and now -- when I recently decided that I do have a choice, and thus made my rock-solid decision to forever stop acting-out despite the terrible state of my marriage -- I have been able to B"H stop instantly, without any relapses so far, meanwhile for the past 180 days.

In my heart of hearts I don't think I am an addict. But I might as well be.

I think my story is dead on for what an addict's story would be, in a lot of ways.  I seem to have addictive tendencies- if not for lust then for movies, tv, reading, computer games.  Once I reach a certain stage of lust, there is pretty much no turning back.  I've been guilty of the "insanity" that precedes a fall more times than I can count (even with with the fingers and toes of everyone else here).  I acted on sexual tendencies and curiosity that were maybe a bit out of the ordinary as early as grade school.  I've progressively gotten worse and worse, and crossed boundaries even after I went as far as I could go (I thought) without going all the way.  When I (try to) stop, I become irritated, restless, discontented to the Nth degree.  My inability to stop and the time I spend on lusting has damaged my personal life, self esteem, relationships, school, work, dating.  Things that most people would probably not give a 2nd thought to can be major triggers for me.  I've m****** so many times in a day that my therapist once asked me whether it ever hurt physically.  I've had to visit doctors on two separate occasions because my lusting actually did lead to me injuring myself physically.  And I don't expect it to ever heal %100.  And I still cannot quit. I won't deny that I have share much with the malady of the mind and spiritual hunger of an addict, and some of the sickness of the body.  I think though that my sickness is actually driven more by emotional issues than by an underlying sexual addiction.  Simply put, in 10 (hopefully sober) years from now, I'm not sure that I see myself  saying "My name is thanks613 and I'm a sexaholic". 

Either way, I do believe that I will not likely recover ever, and certainly not right now, unless I deal with it as if I were an addict.  I'm currently working the steps, and taking my recovery pretty seriously, like an addict who wants to recover. For a long time I didn't let myself use the steps because I didn't look at myself as an addict (and believed I could quit through my own willpower and all the same old excuses you are familiar with).  What changed for me now is not that I accepted that I am an addict.  I accepted that my life was unmanageable, that I am powerless over lust, and  that the same thinking and repetitive failures that plague addicts plague me.  And the same solution is likely to help me as well.  If that makes me an addict, then I guess I could change my vote.  But more importantly, if I need to "be an addict" to work the steps and work the solution, then you had better believe that I am definitely an addict!  

Did someone say 'long winded answer'?

It def. took me time to realize it!
I was always in denial when i first joined that I'm different but after a while it came to me that "I'm powerless..."

I have heard many times, only an addict says he's not an addict 

Shlomo24 wrote on 17 Mar 2016 15:58:

So basically everyone that said "No" is an addict, "Yes" are ostensibly addicts, and the only guys that are not are the ones that say "I don't know"

Based on these totally inaccurate assessments, the current score is 25 to 9 or 73% addicts vs non addicts. Anyone wanna weigh in to balance the scale?

I changed my vote from "I don't know" to "Yes."

Reason being that I tasted sobriety for a while, went to therapy, did the calls, tried the steps - just a little (I surrender, don't shoot), made what I thought was a ton of progress - and then fell again. So I came to the current conclusion that I relate to Gibbor's definition of addiction, and it fits with how I perceive myself.
I know this is not about the definition of addiction, but I want to clarify my definition so that I am clear on what I am admitting to.
One therapist told me that addiction is defined as engaging in behavior that we don't want to be engaged in / we recognize as being harmful.
IMHO, addiction is not binary, it's a continuum, and we are working on making our way back along the course we traveled for a while. (Agav, just saw today in a pirush on Nefesh Hachaim that even teshuvah doesn't always bring you back to your starting point, and the proof is from Adam Harishon).
I believe I have addictive and escapist tendencies by nature, and I acted upon those tendencies for so long that it became part of me by nurture as well as nature.
I can work on reversing the trend, and I should because that's what my job is right now, but I doubt I will ever remove the escapism nature completely - al pi derech hateva; Hashem can do anything He wants but ayn somchin al hanes.

Sorry to hear about your fall, that sucks.

IMO the 'treatment' needed for an addict is different from what is needed for a non-addict. If you've changed your mind about the problem, how are you planning to change your methods to find a solution?

By the way, can I ask you, were you seeing the therapist because of acting out, or did you go for something else and acting out came up at some point?

Watson wrote on 18 Mar 2016 08:20:

Thank you, it did and does.


Great question. I acknowledged a few years ago that I had a problem (although I didn't know/want to define it), so I already implemented some tools. The lesson I'm trying to earn from this event (falling after months of sobriety) is to have a more positive attitude and acceptance that I shouldn't expect to be free of the struggle for the foreseeable future, and I need to be OK with that because if I resent it, it's more likely I will continue to fall. I think that specific resentment played a big role in my fall. Also it's not fair to my wife to make her live with a miserable husband. Not that I'm such a selfless husband, but this is an issue we have discussed and me feeling down is one of the biggest stressors for her, which then stresses me and becomes a vicious cycle.


Can I be Jewish and answer both? I knew I had a problem, I suspected deep down it was caused by acting out. I wasn't ready to face that, but got to the point where I had to deal with the fallout. Eventually, after dealing with the fallout, I brought it up. Check out my post here for a clearer picture.

Have a good Shabbos on the other side of the pond.

Moshe271 wrote on 23 Nov 2015 14:00:

but someone that's not got a therapist, it can take a few years to see the light...

Thank Gd I have a therapist too, although more for issue mentioned on my story thread, which I'm sure helps me keep lust at bay too. I believe many guys can get good theraputic advice from kind insightful rabbis and others.

But often it's just simpler to continue hiding behind a veil of riteousness because we never imagined what life is, or can be outside of our antiquated cave. We have gotten so used to believing that there's no solution to "my needs" other than acting out...