Yes, I am an addict.

Tonight I fell.
I made it to 243 days.
I have used the HALT system to help me to this point.
If any of these four triggers occur I try to step back and know there is danger of falling.

Hungry
Angry (Resentful)
Lonely
Tired

Tonight I was under attack from all four triggers at once.
It had been building for 24 hours and I was too wiped out to realise what was happening.

I was hungry and tired.
But I was also upset at not being able to find a lady.
and especially upset at being bullied by my boss.
I am actually looking for  new job, such is the extent of his bullying.
I am unable to answer back though, as I need the cash, so until I find a new job I have to continue working.

So now begins Tikkun Klali.

The lesson learned this time is that prevention is the key.

I must not be hard on myself, I must allow myself space to breathe, to have some time every day that I enjoy.

Otherwise life is like a pressure cooker.


 

Ow ;-( That hurts

Brother have you been logging in with gye recently as I have?
Ive been here BH 11 months and noticed ALOT of sobriety tools, and no one mentioned TikunK

I wonder why

Sounds tough. Know the feeling all to well (not the 243 part but the falling part).
wish you success on getting back on your fear and continuing!

ColinColin wrote on 05 Jul 2016 00:43:

Not being able to find a lady?

Thanks Markz and Shmira.

I log in now and again.

If I am doing OK I tend not to log in as I am in a good place.

I recite Tikkun Klali after I fall as part of my Teshuva.

Cordnoy

Yes, Being single gets me down but for financial reasons I cannot date.
Sometimes being single gets me depressed and I fall.

I know a lot of people on here are married and their problem is looking at porn or acting out in spite of this.

But I am long term single.
When I have dated in the past, then I do not feel a need to act out or to look at porn.






 

Hey Colin hope you picked yourself up ok. 
ill state the obvious that marriage isn't a fix. Since this whole thing started I always told myself "if only this would be different" then I wouldn't have this issue. It took me a while to just take the situation as is go from there. 
HALT was a big thing for me as it was a way to realize the things that get me, and I had to train my mind not to just act out when I had those feelings but live despite this feeling. 
ill state the other obvious that I don't know much and you probably know more than me. Just saying what happened with me.
also curious.. You think counting that much helps? I see some guys do that and others stop. 

Thanks Shmira

I guess we are all different.

I know for sure that if there is a woman around, and by that I mean even if there is one who I am chatting to, not having physical contact with, but at least opening a dialogue, then it keeps me from falling.

As for counting a clean streak, it was important to me in that in the four years leading up to that eight month clean streak, I could not keep clean for longer than one week.

So it showed positive progress.

ColinColin wrote on 06 Jul 2016 00:13:

Wow does that sound familiar...

Thank you so much for that!

I fell tonight.
I was 

Hungry
Angry
Lonely
Tired

All four struck me at once.

Instead of what I did, I should have got home had a hot drink, and phoned a friend.

But in the grip of lust my mind was elsewhere.

Just have to learn that lesson, again.

ColinColin wrote on 17 Jan 2017 23:31:

May you bounce back with alacrity!

Notice how similar this post is to the one you made on 05 July 2016. Now for me, I'm ALWAYS hungry angry lonely tired... but what I'm getting at is have you tried anything different in these last six months? 


This place isn't necessarily an insane asylum for degenerates who only come here for treatment and can't wait to leave. I am in the best place I've ever been in my life, BH, and I come here every day. It's about integration, being able to help, give of your own story. Think about it. Hope to see more of you.

ColinColin sing' was Callin your name on the previous post

You said you had
HALT

Do me a favor
H. You want me to order something for you?
A. Let it out on me - I'm the gye punching bag (watch out it sometime s bounces back)
L. Call one of your brothers here
T. You can use the punching bag as a pillow

After you're well fed, punched, socialized (Marx style), and rested, why not try share what's going on, on the forum once or twice a week - the good things and then not so good too

All the best

Thanks Singularity and Markz.

Fell again tonight.

Was very Angry and Tired.
But not Hungry or Lonely.

So six months clean then two falls one week apart.
Both in similar circumstances...got home after a long day, was cold, and a lot going on in my life.
Great uncertainty, choppy waters.
I know Hashem is looking out for me though.

But there is significant uncertainty and turbulence in my professional and personal life...and the stress is causing me to seek relief from dopamine.
I honestly cannot think straight...it is like the only thought is to feel the release of the high.

Whilst this acting out is a sin, I am not even sure it is anything to do with the Yetzer Hara.
In my case...I think instead it is a chemical addiction to a substance produced by the brain rather than a narcotic addiction to an external substance.

My positive course of action is to see what else can be done when in the grips of this mania; if it is even possible to recognize what is happening to me whilst it is happening, and to therefore calm myself down and not act out.

ColinColin wrote on 24 Jan 2017 00:41:


Look at it as one fall where you didn't get back up yet. I always have that struggle; if I fall my YH says "May as well try to get one more in." And you're scaring me bc I'm clean six months now.

But you didn't lose it; there's definitely a cumulative aspect and you've learned from it.

ColinColin wrote on 24 Jan 2017 00:41:

see my comments in purple (thanks Markz)

Now for my bold suggestion.

And I don't want backlash from other members! I checked the guy out! And he admits he's an addict himself!

So. Here goes...

Have you considered live SA or SAA meetings? They check all the boxes for what will help an addict.