I made it to one year clean.

Still have to be on guard and take each day as it comes, because even today I had the urge to fall.

But I made it to one year, even though when I joined this Forum I used to fall several times per week.

I used four main methods to keep clean:

1 - HALT.

If you are

Hungry 
Angry (Resentful)
Lonely
Tired

then you are likely to fall, because you feel down and seek a quick high.
This method is an early warning system.

2.) MINDFULNESS

Treat the urge to fall as an external thought, not an intrinsic part of you.
Like a cloud, which floats away.
This method is very useful.

3.) REPLACEMENT

Distract the urge by doing something positive.
Call a friend whom you know is lonely, study, go for a walk.

4.) WILLPOWER

Only in emergencies and only once or twice per year.
You can use all you emotional strength to confront the urge to fall head on, but this is very tiring and lasts only for about 5 minutes.
Not to be relied on, it is the least successful of the methods I have used, but it has worked for me.

Thank you Hashem, and thank you all on here who have supported and inspired me.

Mazel tov! Beautiful milestone and thanks for posting what worked for you.

Congratulations! Amazing! You are an inspiration! Thanks for sharing!

May you succeed to remain clean for year after year lasting a lifetime.

Mazol Tov!  So nice to hear from you.  Missed having you around here. 

ColinColin wrote on 25 Oct 2020 01:55:

Wow! Hope I’m not too late to say MAZEL TOV!
You are a tremendous chizuk and inspiration!
It would be a zechus to have you around more often, we can use more veteran expertise...

Anyway, Keep shteiging!

I fell after my record clean streak of 461 days.

I was Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.

I should have seen those warning signs, in fact I was in a very unsettled mood all day, could not find any peace.
Mostly because of problems at work.

I failed to HALT.

Just shows you, one can have a long clean streak but enter the temporary spirit of insanity which Chazal tell us encourages us to sin.

I failed to remind myself that we must guard our eyes every day, instead I sought a "junk food" remedy for my unsettled spirit.

I have been in this place before, so I know what I need to do, to be nicer to myself, and to remember that Hashem put in this tricky struggle  for a reason. Not sure what that reason is, but He put me here.

Onwards and upwards!

ColinColin wrote on 25 Jan 2021 23:05:

Wow! 461 clean days. Please don't slash all your tires because of one flat. Ahead!

Hey ColinColin, how's it going?

Fell after 187 days clean.

I was Tired.

I was also very Resentful (Angry) at unfair treatment by my boss at work.

It lead me to feel very low, and to seek a fake "high."

In future I must remember to be nicer to myself and seek a high of genuine goodness.

Colin, I was reading the first post in this thread and I'm genuinely amazed at your progress in this difficult struggle. I would encourage any newcomer to follow your story and gain inspiration as to how much a person can grow and change to the better.  Keep it up!

Fell after 74 days.


I was Resentful and Tired.


Two simultaneously out of the four key HALT triggers -



Hungry

Angry (Resentful)

Loney

Tired



The scary things are:



1.) I did not even try to stop myself from falling.



2.) And I was resentful against Hashem for something that did not go "my way".



I feel ashamed.



I have to now be humble and thankful for what Hashem has given me and know that the thing I wanted was not meant for me, for reasons I cannot understand and am not meant to know.



I have a lot of Teshuva to do.

I am on a clean run at the moment.
But have had a few stumbles this week.

LOneliness and resentfulness are the cause.

I have to be grateful for time alone, that I can use to study.
But most importantly, to use to be nice to myself.

I will try to ring a friend that I have not seen in a while.
But since lockdown, loneliness has been a real issue.
My close friends are distant, even when geographically near.

Missed having you around here.  Please post more often! 

Thanks @DaveM

Still clean B'H".

LISTS:

One technique I am going to use going forward, is lists.

I noticed that my stumbles are related to tiredness, and intense feelings of loneliness and low self esteem.

I am going to write short lists of things to do, so that I have activities planned for any period of time where I feel like I will stumble.
I am vulnerable when I have free time.

Will take care to keep the activities manageable and realistic for the time period and my energy level.

A typical list might be:

Clean room
Organise financial statements.
Send message to family member about buying a gift.
Read chapter of book I really am interested in.

The last item will be something I enjoy.


************************************************************************
BE NICE TO ONESELF:

Too many of my stumbles have been when I have not been nice to myself.
When I have been too hard on myself.

An example was last week, I was waiting for a few days for a friend to reply to a message.
I had hoped to meet up with him.
I kept an evening free for him, when I could have met up with someone else.

It really got me down that he didn't reply.
It caused me to stumble.

In future, I will phone a person who does not reply.
If they do not commit to meeting, then I will call someone else instead of waiting around feeling low.
I messed up this time. I should have called someone else, who may well have been feeling lonely that no one called them.

*****************************

ACCEPTING LIFE AND HAVING BACKUP PLANS:

This ties into being realistic if things do not work out our way.

Many times when I stumble or fall, it is because I am hurt/resentful that something has not worked out how I hope.

In future, I aim to take a different approach.

I will have a hope for how I want something to work out...this can be a shidduch, a job application, a wish for meeting a certain friend on a certain evening etc.

But I will also have a plan if things do not turn out as hoped.
I will have to understand there will be a reason why things happened as they did, not to be down about it, and to use the time wisely for something else.
Instead of feeling low and then stumbling into non-Kosher activities.

Of course, we may feel a lot of pain at how things turned out, at "rejection", but if we have an alternative plan, we have coping mechanism much better than resorting to looking at bad images.

We should have a clear set of activities to fill the time, to do good with, and to be nice to ourselves with.
That is the key, being nice to ourselves, not hard on ourselves.
That usually leads to more stumbling.

Just found this thread and have found it really inspiring. Your ability to pick yourself up after a fall and learn from your mistakes is simply amazing.

Thank you for sharing!